I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

[Emmy.]

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

[smallwolf]

Emmy,

Another dark, scary, shocking but "good" poem - if I can say that. There are things in your poem that I can relate to, which I will come to in a minute. I was wondering, however, whether you find writing poetry as a release of negative emotions? That once written and out there, you feel a little (even if 0.25%) better about yourself? Rather than using a journal you use poetry? But again Wow!

(You don't need to answer the above questions unless you want to.)

Here is how I relate to your poem (even though it relates to a 'she')... Outwardly I appear normal. That might be the mask we are all wearing. As you might recall, I started anti-depressants recently and this resulted in suicidal thoughts (which I did bring up with the GP) initially in dreams. These thoughts have very much dissipated, but the dream are still vividly etched in my mind. My wife and family know "of" the dreams (or nightmares) but I won't go into the detail. Too much information there for them to cope with and/or worry over. And so we play this game. At the same time we are both healthy, and yet unhealthy. Outwardly looking we are healthy. Inwardly, we are not.Out of genuine concern for our loved ones, we play this game.

I trust the 2nd last stanza is more of a symbolic action, if only because another verse follows. As I think there is a small element of hope in the final stanza through a cry for help in looking past the disguise.

I just had a thought, and you don't have to take me up on this... earlier in your story, you had a post about reasons to live etc. Could you write a poem based on that? And if not, no big deal. I have a work search game in visual hope box. The words that I have to find are only positive words, like yes, whole, nurture, truth, amity. It takes about 3 (or 4) puzzles for me to get out of that really low space, by doing a activity with only positive words. You have a knack and style of the writing i can appreciate. And this is only a suggestion, and nothing more.

[Emmy.]

Thanks everyone for your messages ❤️

Grandy - no apologies necessary hun. I’m glad you’re feeling! Re dermatillomania... I never even knew there was a name for it. My husband made me tell my psychiatrist a while ago and he put me onto an antipsychotic medication and told me it was a form of self harm. I don’t believe it is. Anyway I’ve been doing it a lot lately (all in areas where my husband can’t see). I don’t want to tell him though cause he will make me tell my psychiatrist and that medication was no good for me. I’d have the worst psychotic dreams on them - things i wouldn’t even be able to imagine unless in my dreams. And they cost like $170 per script. Anyway just wanted to see how others have gotten through it. Basically it’s a way to punish my body. I’m told that I disassociate while doing it too. Don’t really understand that (if anyone can explain that’d be great). Xx

Chloe - thanks for the hugs. Sending some right back to you. Today I’m doing ok 🙂 hubbys day off work so that’s always good. How are you feeling about Monday? Hope you’re having a nice day. Xx

Mary - nice to meet you. Thanks for stopping by my thread. This is my only thread on the forum, I had a break for a while and have just come back. I asked for my other thread to come down. But I find I’m need a safe place to talk again. Needing some support. Would love to join a book club and get into embroidery. Have found both options nearby but I have no confidence in myself to go, and don’t really like leaving my house. Your map of Australia sounds amazing!! Love that it’s become a wall hanging. My anxiety came first, something I’ve always battled with I think. Wasn’t diagnosed till 2013 and the depression came as a result of the anxiety. Have avpd also - joyous lol. I was put down a lot by my mother, and then something happened in my teenage years by two men and it all accumulates to me having no self worth, no confidence, fear of rejection & abandoment. I always feel like I’m not good enough. And I hate who I am. REALLY hate who I am. I like how you talk about “the Black dog” and teaching it some lessons. I’ve been seeing a psychologist since 2013 & psychiatrist since 2016. My psychologist wanted me to start EMDR but my psychiatrist said no because i disassociate a lot. Do you think I should be stronger by now? I hope you don’t think it’s strange I’ve not made better progress.

[Emmy.]

Narelle - my psychiatrist told me it’s a form of self harm. I didn’t believe him. Still don’t in a way. Anyway it’s back which isn’t good. Probably never really went away if I’m being honest. I’ve done it for year plus other forms too. I probably should tell him.

SN - I do it too without realising 😞 todays been ok. Quiet day at home.

Smallwolf - thanks for saying the poem is good. I think in a way the poems do feel a little bit like a way to purge. But I’ve been told not to do it unfortunately. Too dark and some of them (which I don’t feel comfortable sharing) are about past traumas which my psychiatrist doesn’t want me working on just yet. Which I’m starting to over analyse why they still don’t think I’m strong enough. Maybe I’m stupid and not getting what they’re teaching me. I should try to do a more positive poem, perhaps about why I choose to survive this. Thanks for the suggestion.

[Emmy.]

Off to psychiatrist today ...feeling anxious. Don’t want to tell him about the dermatillomania. Just feeling really down today too. Over life.

[Chloe_M]

Hi Em, hope all goes well with the psych appt. You mentioned having dermatillomania. Do you pull out your hair strand by strand when you are depressed as well? I do, but i don't pick my skin, was just wondering if they're related.

I'm over life too, but don't worry. I'm sitting next to you at your psych appt. holding your hand xx

take care

Chloe xox

[Music_Freak]

Consider me the third member of the over life squad...maybe we need a cheer or something?!

Good luck with the psych Emmy, I'll be thinking of you. Be honest with them...they're there to help

[Emmy.]

Aaaww thanks Chloe.  Thanks for holding my hand. I’m at the hospital now waiting to see him. I have brought a squinkie toy with me to hold onto. Lol. Sorry you’re not having a good run at the moment. How’s school been? You on lunch?? Xx

[Emmy.]

A cheer sounds good lol 🤣

Just feel as though I should be “better” by now.

[Music_Freak]

Me too Emmy...I doubt we're the only ones to think that here either 🙂

[Chloe_M]

Hi Em,

Yeah am quite stressed atm, was pulling in science but nobody noticed and told me to stop because all my friends are away. I was on lunch, am in history now and I've finished all my work so...

How was the appt?

Chloe x