I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

[Emmy.]

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

[Guest8901]

Evening Emmy. I love the term 'velcro dog', very apt, I must say. Does your husband work shift work? Yes my little dog keeps me company when my husband is not around as well. He used to be away a lot, travelling etc, and Charli was my constant companion. Still is, for that matter, even when hubby is around.

I think that would be a fantastic idea to have your dog as an official 'assistance' or 'service' dog. They are being used officially more and more for all sorts of reasons these days. I dont know what is involved in organising the official bestowing of the tag on him, but it would surely be worthwhile. I expect he's already very well trained, so training is unlikely to be the issue. Of course red tape is a pain, but an necessary evil I'm afraid.

Yes Emmy (thanks for asking) I do have a thread of my own. Its in the Long Term Support section and titled "Am I opening up a Pandora's Box?". I suffer from PTSD and have panic attacks too, so I understand how distressing they can be. Typical of most people with PTSD, I have extreme anxiety and bouts of severe depression. I know nothing about AvPD, but am interested in learning more from following you and your thread.

I believe that the lack of self care you spoke about earlier today, is very common for people with depression. I know when depression hits me, I feel as though I have no energy at all in which to do anything. And even if I did, I simply do not have the interest in doing so. This carries through from hobbies or jobs we normally enjoy, right through to very basic everyday self care tasks. I can definitely relate to you on that, and would certainly not judge anyone for that.

I have been to Hawaii, but quite a long time ago now. I loved it. Did you get to the Big Island of Hawaii when you were there, where the volcano is?

You mentioned that you are feeling very tired tonight. Please do not feel obliged to respond tonight. Try to have a relaxing evening and get an early night if possible.

Amanda

[Emmy.]

3 years 😞 You must miss your Nan a lot. Do you and your Pop and sisters do anything for the anniversary. My sisters and I just go to Mums memorial and talk with her and take her flowers. It’s hard this year as the anniversary falls on Mother’s Day. Mothers Day was the last time we ever saw her 4 years ago - and then two days later she was gone. I found this poem and it, for me, it’s the truest description of grief..

“ I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.”

So accurate what you said about the tiredness. It’s so deep that sleep doesn’t even help it - you wake up exhausted already hey. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t have stopped working but I was recommended to and I know it was becoming too much for me, but work does give you a reason to keep going in a way hey. Sometimes I think of my MI as my job. Like its my job to get myself better. I’m trying. It’s all I can do right.

Big hugs back to you SN. Xx

[Emmy.]

Hi Mandy. Hope you’re having a nice day.

Hubby and I have our own restaurant (opened evenings) so that’s why I’m home alone most nights. Tuesday is his only night off. Why type of dog is Charli 🙂 Glad you have him, especially at the moment with your husband being unwell.

Sorry to hear that you’re having to battle with PTSD and panic attacks 😞 Avpd is avoidant personality disorder ... it’s hard to explain. Basically I avoid things in fear of being rejected. Here’s a description - avpd is characterised by a hypersensitivity to rejection and criticism, feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, intense self loathing and a strong desire for isolation.

What you say about not having any interest in self care is so true. Things you use to love you just don’t anymore.

YAY that you’ve been to Hawaii. Did you love it?? We went to Oahu, Maui and Kauai. didn’t get to the big island. We are going back in September again but staying the whole time (3 weeks) in Kauai... actually I lie we will hop over to Maui for 3 nights.

[startingnew]

it only seems like yesterday she was gone an we had that dreaded 2am phone call Em, i wouldnt wish that on anyone. um we always got to her grave but i also light a candle here for her- a pink rose scented one- fave colour and flower and i also write her a letter. the poem is pretty powerful isnt it, thank you for sharing it ❤️

MI is indeed like a full time job, perhaps you could find a few smaller jobs to do? like part time work somewhere quiet, or volunterr at the library? do dog walking, or pamphlet walks (the ones who walk around with 'junk mail')

but yes work can become way too much at times.

hows things today?

[Guest8901]

Dear Emmy,

Thanks for your reply. Ahhh, the restaurant makes sense. Lots of night work of course. Do you ever work in the restaurant in any capacity as well?

My dog Charli is a mixed breed terrier, only a very lightly built little thing, but gutsy as they come. She is a female however, Charli being the feminine form of the Charlie name. She is a very dear sweet little girl. The best companion you could ever hope for.

Thanks for the explanation of what avpd is, it gives a clear picture of what it is that you contend with on a daily basis.

Yes I really liked Hawaii, and I'm pleased to hear that you will be going back again this September.

I saw your post to my thread yesterday and I thank you for taking the time to read and post there. I very much appreciate it.

I read the poem you posted yesterday for Startingnew. Its so true and very powerful. I'm really sorry SN for the pain you continue to feel for the loss of your Nan. And Emmy, for the loss of your Mum. I too have lost very important people in my life, and they have both been young. Way too young, and the pain of their loss never really stops.

Emmy, I will just touch briefly on something you said to Grandy - And now when I have found the love of my life he gets the broken version of me. Firstly I think its wonderful that despite all your difficulties, you still managed to find the love of your life. And secondly, where you consider yourself to be a broken version of yourself, your husband obviously loves you for who you are. Your past difficulties and traumas have contributed to you being the person you now are. And that person is clearly a very lovable and loving one. Not broken at all, but a very feeling sensitive and precious woman. Please do not continue to think of yourself as broken. Your husband clearly does not.

I hope you've had a good day today?

Mandy

[Emmy.]

13 years ago today I stood at Anzac Cove in Gallipoli, Turkey.

Tonight I’m in tears cause I have to leave the house tomorrow, alone, and see my GP.

Where did it all go wrong.

[Ggrand]

Awe Emmy,

Im so sorry sweetheart, I know how your feeling.

Try to sleep tonight, maybe put a soft instrumental on with earphones in, without sleep tomorrow will escalate so much.

You can do it, breath deep in then out, keep doing this counting as your breathing. I so wish I could go with you tomorrow..

What time is your appointment tomorrow? Please can you tell your Gp just how hard you struggle to get out by yourself.

Can your dr call in to see you at all, mine did once when it was an important appointment and I couldn't get out my door.. Sending you huge hugs 🤗🤗🤗, I know not the same but if you close your eyes and concerntrate you can feel them..

My heart goes out to Emmy, because I've been there and still am..but believe in yourself sweetheart, you can do it..i have faith in you, you are stronger then you think 💜.

kind and caring thoughts,

Grandy.

ps I'll sit with you tonight if that's okay and I'll hold your hand, tomorrow..

[smallwolf]

Emmy,

I don't think that question ever has an answer. And looking back, if I did know, what could I do now? What could I change? Would it change where I am now? For me the list of questions become endless.

I am also going to see my GP tomorrow - alone, but I recall it more difficult for you? Sending you courage and strength and determination. We can tell each other how it went.

I read your earlier post about the support your husband gives. It was refreshing, touching, sad and every other emotions all in one. Most importantly, it is true. And it reminded me of my wedding vows also. This next part is really writing for myself, but it takes a MI to show me the amount of support I actually have. Of people who care. I never really knew what I had til I saw the GP the first time, except that I could not manage it alone.

Maybe we should say to our partners in the morning "l love you" and at the end of the day. To remind ourselves that others love us also.

Peace and calm thoughts.

Smallwolf

[Emmy.]

Thanks Grandy. Think I’ll diffuse some essential oils and listen to music like you suggested. I hate the doctors the most I start hyperventilating when I get there and that’s when I’m with my husband. Have to remind myself “I want to get better. And the doctor wants me better.” Appointment is 11.45am. Doctors one hour drive away (one way) from home so I have to go to him. I’ve seen him since I was 8 and the doctors in the new area I live in just aren’t as thorough as him. Thanks for being here. Feel bad I’ve not been here tonight for anyone else (selfish of me).

[Music_Freak]

No Emmy it's not selfish, not at all!! You are so allowed to have time for yourself - it's healthy to do so. None of us are on here 24/7, nor should we be

Obviously I can't be with you for you're appointment, I would volunteer in a second though...rest assured I will be thinking or you and sending good thoughts to you and am interested to hear how you went (only when you are really to talk about it though!)

Try your best to relax and sleep, go to your happy place if that helps and allow yourself to daydream happy thoughts.

Good luck, but you won't need it 🙂