Finally opening up

[Guest_0087]

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

[Guest_0087]

They kind of just carry on like nothing has happened and are all chilled and ok after that, and I am like, no I need to have my reaction because that was unfair and I am not here to be anyones blame.

I do speak to someone and they often help me, but the hard part is trying to get the people around me to see the same thing. Hopefully my family will speak to my psychologist after my next appointment so they can understand. I felt like the trip did do me good, and I did come back feeling good. Then my ex decided to message me, my family did what they did, my work got stressful, and everything just started coming back. I want to be on another holiday I think, ahaha.

Actually going tonight. Hopefully my game is a lot better than last time, and there are no mozzies biting. Have bought some repellent to protect me.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

That's family really isn't it, they move on from things whilst you are still pondering over them, it is so hard to make people see things from your point of view at the best of times and this situation is probably not different. I think your parents speaking to the psychologist is a great idea and they can give them an idea of how you are feeling and what not. You have nothing to lose by doing this and the more they understand the better you all will be.

I think you need to book another holiday just to mentally have one so your mind can focus on something long term.

How did you go golfing tonight? Hitting it better at all?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

It is just a constant. There is a constant clash between us. It happened again this morning and they keep saying, "we just want this" and I have to keep saying, "you know how hard that is, it took me so long to get here, it wont take me one night to back back, you can keep pushing!"

It's not only getting tiring, but it is not helping me in any way. i'm thinking of moving my counselling session closer because it is just kind of eating me up inside and I am just not happy. Hate when you feel refreshed and you are invigorated and then all of sudden it just comes crashing down, and it happens because of people who are close to you or people who you once gave your heart to.

I have leave booked for March for my cousins wedding in zimbabwe. I would love to travel more, but money is required and it is not the easiest thing to come by, especially as I would like to leave my job, but can't find a new one.

Went much better. Was hitting them a lot more cleanly, but as the night wore on, my swing was out of whack and everything was all over the place. I need to get back in to my gym routine and back in to healthy eating and then hopefully the more I play, the better I will hit them.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Wow, another one, that is not good, is there a main reason these arguments are starting? It is not my business of course but trying to avoid the confrontation may be an option just for the time being. As much as you shouldn't have too but sometimes it is the best temporary option.

It is good you are moving the counselling session to a closer date, working through these emotions are what is needed, I wish I was more helpful as I can only give general advice as I am not a trained professional. I know the money is tough and it is the only reason that can stop people travelling but saving as much as you can which is what you seem to be doing and then booking holidays so it gives you something to look forward too. It really can help ease the mind too.

Much on for the weekend?

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

I wish I knew. I try to stay quiet so as to avoid confrontation, but then they do not like when I do that, but then when I do open my mouth, it is not what they want. My mother told me that I can no longer be sarcastic because she does not like it and it was just a really weird thing to ask. I don't be sarcastic to be nasty, it is all done in good humour and I probably do find that sarcasm and wit to be a bit more interesting. The main reason seems to be that my parents just want me to be who i was, but I do not know how to be that person because of everything that has happened and no matter how hard I try to be that person, I know it takes time and that the dynamics are different, but they don't seem to accept that. They just expect me to wake up and be smiling and be all happy.

You've been more help than you could know mate. I really appreciate you just responding. It is more than I kind of hoped for when i posted on here. I didn't expect anyone to respond. I agree, it is kind of a catch 22. Want to travel but need the money for it. I think I will tackle one thing at a time though. Trying to get my health back, then I can focus on my work and finding some sort of semblance in my life. Hopefully can save up in the mean time and be ready to book holidays.

Not much. Have a friends wedding function to attend, then got work on Sunday. Not really sure I know what else I can fit in. Doesn't always get exciting for me. Hope your weekend is much better?

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Sorry for my delayed response, I took the weekend off the forums.

I understand what you are saying, your parents just want you to be happy and they see the current person not as happy as they know by the sounds of it which is understandable to a degree but I think with all you are doing to improve you can get back to the happy smiling person they know. It is hard trying to manage your own emotions and make sure you are also managing others along the way but as times goes on you do sort of learn to adjust to everyone whilst maintaining your own happiness level.

Thanks for the kind words, this is what I come to the forums for, just to help people like yourself and give you a voice and let you know I do understand where you are coming from because I have been there before. Life experience can be the best advice sometimes. It's no doubt you have dealt with a lot and getting back to just being happy is always a challenge and I won't pretend it is easy but you can get there. I think your focus on your health is right, you need it to be functioning and thinking correctly.

How did the weekend turn out? Mine was kind of boring.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Hey mate.

No need to apologise. I always thought you took the weekends off from the forums.

I understand that, I just wish they could learn to change a few things and not keep doing the same thing and expect the same result. I've often had to manage other peoples emotions before mine, which is obviously not ideal, but I have always been that type of a person. I tend to just give, and then often when I don't get anything in return, it hits hard.

It is helpful. Very much so. There are moments when you can feel so alone even when you are surrounded by people, that it is sometimes comforting to just have that one person, even if they are on a computer. I think sometimes I am really hard on myself. For example, before my trip I was doing well in the gym and seeing real results, then I went on my trip and all those results went away, and now I want to try and get back to that stage, but I know it wont happen overnight, but then it frustrates me that it takes time. A lot of things like that can frustrate me.

I also found out today that I did not get this job that I really wanted. I even have the experience and the skills for it, but did not get it. It is quite disappointing and it has knocked me a fair bit.

Weekend was fairly average I think. I had to work on Sunday. Saturday was nothing special. I went to see my cousins twins and attended a friends wedding function, which I did not enjoy too much. Was missing my ex again, as we had been messaging. I really need to figure out how to get over her. Have a four day weekend this weekend which is a nice break. Hopefully I can get a lot of things I have been putting off done.

Does not sound too exciting on your end. Did you get up to much or was it just one of those where you kind of feel lazy to do anything?

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I couldn't agree more with what you said about putting other people first, I do the exact same, I care about other people's feelings before mine which isn't good as we just shelf our own emotions and they just keep adding up which I think causes more and more anxiety or any mental health issues. We cannot change how others feel, I think that is important to remember here as much as we want everyone to see our point of view, we can't make them. Have to start to somehow learn that you can only control you're own emotions.

These forums were a big thing for me at the height of my mental health issues and just having people to talk too about it even thought I didn't personally know them really did help. So I understand and I am glad I can help in some way.

Sorry you didn't get the job, it is tough these days and having all the skills and experience sometimes do not matter as the person who got it may have known the manager or something, it isn't good but it seems to be the way of the work force these days. Just need to keep applying and not get down to much about getting knocked back which I know is tough because I would feel let down myself. Keep applying and seeing what happens something will land eventually. I also relate to your part about wanting to go gym but not seeing instant results which frustrates you, I am the same too, I get frustrated too easy with that sort of stuff.

As much as you do not want too, to get over her you have to stop messaging her, it doesn't help when her name is always in front of you and you are texting and thinking about her. Moving on from someone requires you to stop thinking about them, it sucks but you need to try. Four day weekend sounds awesome, much planned?

Nah not much at all, played a little golf, was hitting like crap so got frustrated but that's the game isn't it. Other than that just family stuff, nothing majorly exciting.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

I don't think it's so much wanting people to see my view, but more just wanting people to show some sort of appreciation and acknowledgement. People will take and take, but never give back.

I think that is some kind of comfort. Knowing someone else has been through this process and been through all this, and has come out on the other side well, kind of gives me just that little bit extra to keep going and coming back here.

It is just frustrating to apply for jobs in the first place. Their seems to be a lot out there, but when you keep getting rejected, you kind of wonder what is going on. I don't want to just apply for anything to be fair, but I am not being too picky about what I am applying for and trying to get. I went to the gym for 20 minutes today. I hate leg day, and I was just not in the mood to be doing any exercises, so I did like three and then just left. I get a bit frustrated too easily I think.

I know. Sometimes I can't help it as she will just send me a snapchat or a random message. The stop thinking about her part is the hard part. I kind of get reminded by little things too. Like the ball scene in the end of Stranger Things, and then I just kind of getting a little annoyed by it all.

Nothing really planned as such. My dads cousin from Canada is here, so we are having a big lunch at our house tomorrow, then Sunday is a family picnic planned I think. Other than that, no other plans as such. Kind of not looking forward to these functions as they usually descend in to the same usual thing all the time and I just end up getting a little socially exhausted.

Yeah. Love the game, but it seems to not be so kind to those who want to play it. One day everything can feel so perfect and on point, and the next day everything will just feel weird and out of sync. Family stuff does sound good a lot of the time, but then it just depends what those family things are. I'm the anomaly in mine so it always ends up being a little off for me.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I hear what you are saying about applying for jobs it is tough, one thing I would recommend is maybe calling the place you are applying for the job at and ask to speak to the person in charge or hiring, either HR or the direct manager, this allows you to introduce yourself and you sort of give yourself a mini phone interview with them and say to them you are interested in the job and making sure it is still available and usually they would reply yes and just say I am wanting to apply as I am very interested, can I send me resume directly to you or just apply through your website, either way when they see your name they will remember you, it is a way to make your resume stand out a little as the name will jog their memory.

Sounds like a nice weekend, hopefully the social side doesn't get to exhausting for you, just take it all as it comes not much more you can do about that... I also know the feelings of being reminded about things of ex's it is hard because you shared so much stuff with them and things will come up but as soon as you start being interested in someone new that is when these left over feelings will start to fade away as well. Moving on is the only thing that will help.

I agree so much with what you said about golf, I love the game but get so frustrated, still keeps me coming back haha.

My best,

Jay