Finally opening up

[Guest_0087]

finally took the plunge to beyond blue. Think this is my last attempt to try and get somewhere. I will try be brief so as not to make this hard for anyone.

Have struggled with depression for some time, and each time I tried to overcome it, it has just gotten worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

I lost my best friend to my depression. She no longer talks to me and we no longer interact. We used to talk every day for years, now, not even a hello.

My family have never understood my depression and never supported me with it. They keep making it about themselves and I have to some how find some sort of way to deal with it. I battle with my parents every day and it oftens ends in me crying.

All my social circles have moved on, and most found me too 'different' or slightly 'weird' so they no longer interact with me. In a sense, I have no friends. I do everything by myself and when I do interact with those people, they all treat me very differently. They don't know how to talk to me or say anything to me, and so I am often the odd the one out.

My work has been hell of late. In fact, about two years ago, I lost out on a job opportunity I spent years working for and had to move countries for. They didn't even have the decency to tell me I didn't get the post after all. But my current job started off well. Everything was good. It was starting to get me back some semblance of hope, but as with everything retail, the pressure tells, and now after receiving warnings and being told that I have the attitude of a child, I am basically working on auto pilot. I have no desire to go to work, and can't get a job that I really want, because after more than 5 years of trying and about 300 applications being rejected, you lose the will to apply.

And now to most recently. I just lost the girl. I loved her and I lost her. I try to get her out of my head and I just can't. It is hell.

I have no one, and nothing to keep me going. The virtual hugs only do so much, and I don't think they can keep me going. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Through all of these things, I can't sleep. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I have nothing that keeps me going. All the things I loved, I hate. I have no motivation to do anything. I find nothing of interest anymore. TV programmes i loved no longer excite me. No desire to watch movies or do anything. Like i said, I don't know where else to turn, but was told to give this a shot.

[Guest_0087]

I understand where you are coming from, I am just trying to figure out whether putting up with it is worth the strain on my health and wellbeing. I have already applied for a few other jobs and starting to look for something new, so hopefully something comes of that.

I agree, I guess this is why I feel like I do not want to be consumed by this job. I want to start achieving some of my goals and going for them. As much as I like the concept of what I do, I do not like the environment and I hate that i have to keep fighting it.

Not much. Working all weekend, and have down with a bad flu so trying to recover from that as well. How about you?

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I understand and that is the balance you need to find, can you put up with your job long enough to find a new one, it is good that you have applied for new jobs and I do hope some things come from it.

Having goals is so important but working on them is just as important and trying to achieve them and if your environment is not good then you must try to change it.

Are you better from the flu? Not much my way, chilled weekend to be honest.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Well, at the moment I have kind of set myself Xmas as the benchmark. To try and hang on in there until then and if I still can't continue in this vain or see myself progressing, then maybe I need to make a decision.

I do feel a little different after my trip, so I am hoping I can keep this momentum and build on it. Like I said last time, I think I am only at 5%. There is still so much going on. My ex messaged me the other day. Just a normal random message. My cousin reckons she is trying to figure out if I am seeing anyone, but I can never tell with these things. I have been sparse with my responses, but I just dont have it in me to be mean and like not respond.

Hopefully I an start to overcome the bad thoughts because they are a major issue for me. There is soooo much I need to work on, just not sure I can get there at the moment, and I feel like maybe the job is not helping that mental process, so I have to see.

Much better thanks. Hopefully can get back in to the gym this weekend. Chilled weekend always sounds good. Glad to hear it. Can't say I have many or any of those. Not really sure I know how to chill anymore.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I think it is good that you set a bench mark for Christmas, having a date in mind is a good thing but don't lose focus on what you want to achieve by getting a new job. Keep looking every day and you never know what will come up.

Random that you ex messaged you, I know you don't like being mean and can't not reply but at the same time I think it is good if your replies are sparse and what not, gives the impression you are not at her beck and call when you want it to be. By the way I think you're further along that 5%, you have come quite a way from when you first posted and you should be proud of that.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

Thats great advice. I definitely don't want to lose focus. It was something I thought of earlier. I just hope I find something soon so that I can move on because I know that I am the type of person who when I have momentum, if it does not work out, I can start to fall in to that depression hard and lose hope in a lot of things.

I will be honest, had a row with my family the other day and I suddenly started to feel how I used to a few months ago. I was sitting on my bed that night and everything just came flooding back. I had to take a step back the next day and try not to let it get to me and remember that I feel a bit different and I need to not let it consume me or overtake me. It was all just ready to come back.

I kind of realised that even with those family issues, I had something to fall back on when i had a relationship or good friendships, so when all those things went, it made it all harder. That is what almost happened again on that day and I was so afraid of it. I hope it is not a regular occurrence.

Yeah, was a little random I thought. I think she is a bit naive in that she thinks you can stay friends with exes and so on. I know she has kept contact with one of her exes before, but I'm not sure how regular that contact is.

Thats kind of you to say. I dont really feel that way though. I know its often harder to gauge these things and I guess other people are the true gauge as they can see the progress.

Hope you have a good weekend.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

No one can fault you for falling a bit back into the depressive state when things are not going right, I do it as well, but it's almost training our minds that it will be ok if it does happen and that you can come out of it.

Amazing work as well that after you had the row with your family that you didn't let all the emotions come back and knock you back, that shows signs that you are getting better and fully understand how you are feeling. Amazing stuff actually. I am impressed.

Other people do tend to be gauge for how you are coming along as most of the time we are our harshest critic and don't see that we have improved in anyway. In my opinion it sounds like you have especially when you had the row with your family and didn't let it bring you back down, you are gaining mental strength.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

I think the hard part is the training. When you have been doing something for so long you get used to that, you fall in to that mode and you do not know how to get out of it. Your addictions or your feelings can strike at any moment.

I never realised how strong emotions can be. I mean, I always knew, but I never knew the effect they could have or how strong they can be when they want to. It's almost like they can control you if they want to and are aware of it. It is difficult being back and getting back in to things, because I an now starting to realise all these things a bit more and also being reminded of things from my past which can be quite hurtful.

I think that row was something I want to feel I handled well. I went to the range on the friday after one of our rows but my game was sooo terrible it made it worse, and I was getting bitten so much by mosquitos that night that the whole night was horrible.

However, I want to feel I handled it well, but it's hard when they make you feel so guilty and horrible about the whole situation that you dont feel like you have done things properly.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

I don't think you can control how others feel or what not, if you feel you handled it well, then that is how you felt. Having a row with our families are apart of being a family I guess but at the same time you do want to make sure things are patched up where possible of course.

Emotions are an amazing thing if you think about it, they do control so much of what we do as much as we don't want them too but learning to handle them is apart of growing up I think. Just need to keep working on trying to grow every single day as best as you can.

Does sound like a rough night at the range, hopefully the next is better.

My best,

Jay

[Guest_0087]

I know I can't control how others felt. The thing that annoyed me the most in that situation was that I was being blamed for something that was not my fault, and the people who were at blame just sat there and did not even speak up. This is my family and they could not even stand to offer me support when they already know what I am going through and their only concern was how they felt.

It was a tough situation. The sad part is slowly falling back in to how things were before my trip, and again I am finding that it seems like the only friends I have are people like you, my golf clubs, and my music. Literally it. I get on well with my one cousin and her twin babies, but other than that, I do not have much to hold on to.

[BballJ]

Hi zimbos05,

Yeah, that isn't right, not sure why your family would put you through that, have they made amends with you since it all happened?

I can see you are falling back into it and to be honest that is quite common, we always take steps forward and backwards, it's apart of recovery, this is where speaking to a psychologist may be of some benefit to you so learn more how to control these in and out feelings. I felt the trip did you so good as you seem to of come back with so much energy. Hopefully you can rediscover that energy soon. We always have something to hold onto, we just need to find what it is.

Any plans to go golfing this weekend?

My best,

Jay