Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[blondguy]

Hey Quercus

You are a valued member of the forums and depression can be a pain of a roller coaster ride to be on where the lows are concerned.

There is no need to reply to my or anyone else's post at all 🙂

You have a busy thread here and with a 'tired mind' it can be very hard to reply let alone even read posts 🙂

I just wanted to say have a restful weekend Quercus

be gentle with yourself

Paulx

[Quercus]

My goodness! Look at the explosion of kindness in the last posts! Shouldn't surprise me though there are so many genuine and kind people on here.

I am sincerely thankful for all of the support and comments they've all been helpful.

James: you put my mind at ease I appreciate it.

Paul: Thank you for reminding me there is no pressure to respond and for taking the time to find my thread and write to me.

CMF: kind words and support even amongst your own worries! I was sad to hear your ex let down your little one again today. Hope you aren't too upset.

Croix: Totally right as usual I did need a break. I looked at the tiger balm gardens on google... Strangest thing I've seen in a while! I'd love to go to Singapore though too bad I'm terrible at getting on a plane.

Mary: I took your advice (it's always solid 😊) and spent the weekend in my gardens. One day by myself at my block and the other a family day planting flowers and cleaning up. Apart from the most enormous bruise I have ever seen (on my butt no less haha... I tripped on a rock) it was exactly what I needed. Feeling much more stable now. Just checking... How are you holding up? I'm not a big fan of the injections... I find they numb the pain and I end up moving the joint too much and end up making it worse long term. But I suppose anything is better than pain. Thinking of you Mary.

[Quercus]

Aaaaaaarrrrrgh! Need to vent. My feral children are driving me insane! Anyone want a 2 year old and a 3 year old? They're free to a good home. Just be warned they will trash your house and run around screaming all bloody day. Oh and they don't have day naps anymore so it begins at 6am and goes till 7pm. Hmmm.... No takers? Funny that.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Ah crap I'd better go the house is quiet that usually means there is shampoo on the floor.

[White_Rose]

Hello Quercus

I shouldn't laugh at your problems with your children but I'm looking back to at least 40 years. My children were the same. And yes, I would have given them away at times. Not sure if I have told you this before, but when they got out of hand and driving me nuts I would walk away. Only as far as the bedroom then sit down and get my breath back. They got the message. It gave me time to settle myself a little, think about what I wanted them to do and then stroll back.

Every mom knows that when the house goes quiet the children are doing something naughty. At least you can keep tabs on them from a distance.

How did you go with Dr Kim's post? I thought it was very good. You still haven't told me about your avatar. Is it a fox or cat?

My various pains are starting to get better. Still have some bad pain but for shorter periods. Also less tired which is a bonus. Haven't posted much because I've had some rough days. I received an email this morning said I had a traffic infringement and should pay a fine of $89. At first it looked very official and I was very upset. I went to my meditation group's discussion morning and when I returned I suddenly realised the email was a scam. Very ticked off about it. I wonder how they get people's email addresses. It really upset me.

I'm not managing too well at the moment. Feeling very flat and listless. Because of the pain I cannot knit or sew and that is so frustrating. Too tired to go out very often. I will be going for another check up at the hospital soon. It's really good how we get a five year follow up after cancer.

Sad about the bruise. Can you sit down? What a great weekend, getting back to nature. I managed to water the garden yesterday which felt good. I think I may go back to writing poetry if I can find the inspiration. I find though that you need to start doing it and then the inspiration arrives.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Mary,

I'm glad you got a laugh out of my post 😊 your writing sounds a bit different today (flat which makes sense given how you said you've been feeling). I'm sorry you aren't able to knit or sew at the moment. It's very hard when your movement is restricted. Do you find massage helps at all? I can't stand it myself but I used to give my Grandma and Grandad hand massages when their hands were sore.

I haven't got to the post you recommended yet. I went and saw my friend and her 3 day old baby. So beautiful and tiny (and I was so glad I'm done and never have to do that again). My two have just given up their day sleeps and I'm really struggling with the lack of time to myself, havent quite worked out how to get through the days yet. Either we're out and about or theyre screaming and fighting and trashing the house. I'm a bit burnt out but I'll find a balance somehow.

My picture is a fox. I know I shouldn't but I love foxes. Once I saw a girl walking a fox on a harness and she stopped and let my kids have a pat. It was such a lovely creature.

Oh and I heard about that scam on the radio. They warned against opening the link which apparently shows you a photo of the offence but actually does something to let them access information of your computer. You didn't open anything did you?

Oh for goodness sake. Now she's fallen off the couch. Cue the screeching. Take care Mary and I hope you feel a bit better soon.

[White_Rose]

Quercus, you are amazing. You picked out my flat feeling (and I know I told you) but that simply shows how tuned you are to other people. Thank you for replying so quickly.

I like foxes and wolves, though I haven't patted a wolf before. I like embroidering them because they are such lovely creatures. No I didn't open the spam link. I actually phoned my local police station who said delete it (good idea) but said I could report it to the police. So I went onto the website called ACORN, Australian Cybercrime Online Reporting Network and reported it. Ruined my morning though because I could not think what I had done. I think that is a real menace to get emails like that.

A three-day old baby is a beautiful thing. I love to cuddle them and get all clucky. It's highly unlikely any of my children will present me with more grandchildren and totally inconceivable (?) that I will have another. Maybe a great grandchild? The best part of course is being able to give them back to their moms and go home to a peaceful house.

I haven't tried a massage and I think It would make me nervous. I think my physio is working tomorrow so I will try and score an appointment with him. I will also ask about the TENS and massage.

I don't know if you are interested in philosophy. My meditation group met this morning for our discussion morning. The person hosting the morning picks the topic and we have talked about a huge range of topics. Today we were asked why man feels the need for an external spiritual being. Actually it was fascinating where the talk went. We discussed that man appears to be the only being on Earth that has this need, that for thousands of years this need has been expressed in art of various kinds, and that it has given us standards of living. Yes I know the last one is controversial but in general it's true. We felt it was also part of man's urge to know and explore, discover other lands on Earth, see what is under the sea and what is in space. Of course we have made up stories about these places for millennia but the question still has not been answered. Maybe some things we will never know.

It was good meeting up with people and chatting. It certainly got me away from my own dismal thoughts. I like to listen to John Denver and ABBA when I'm at home.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Mary,

Haha I like that my quick reply helped you especially when I popped online for a bit to stop myself yelling at my ferals 😄. So we helped eachother!

You're so right about handing the baby back to mum. Part of my mind was celebrating that I don't have to change another nappy (at least until I'm a grandma).

Your meditation group sounds great! Having appointments that get you out of the house (and too busy to dwell on things) are always helpful I find. I don't have a group like that yet am waiting till we move to the block (there is a gardening club in town).

I really hope the physio can give you something to help. I found it was almost impossible to explain how significantly chronic pain affects depression. Unless you've lived it yourself it's hard to truly understand.

Maybe you can ask your daughter to help with massage if it's uncomfortable to ask the physio. I remember my Grandad giving me this blank look when I asked him for his hands one day, like it was something he'd never considered doing. But it helped him (well he said so anyway...could have just been too polite haha).

I would love to study reflexology I think there is a lot of validity to the ideas. The idea makes me laugh though. I don't like touching people or being touched so I'd end up being my family's personal reflexologist and that would be it 😊

ABBA is great! I have very fond memories of my Mum and a song about a ballerina called Nina. Hope the music is bringing you some joy too.

[Quercus]

Damn this anxiety. I'm tempted to ring and cancel my appointment (I won't).

Only half an hour and then I get in the car and go. And open the can of worms even further. My tummy feels like I've swallowed a bucket of acid.

Got a call saying the address has changed. It's thrown me. I don't like changes. I've googled where I have to drive. Found the easiest way to drive there. Ah damn. Breathe.

[Quercus]

What a waste of time. Now I have an acid tummy and am teary to boot. $200 for half an hour and he just wanted to change my meds. Why would I risk changing the meds when they're keeping the obsessive suicidal thoughts at bay?

I start psychotherapy once a week as of next week. God how are we going to afford this? I'm not worth it.

[Croix]

Dear Quercus~

God how are we going to afford this? I'm not worth it -umm

I've often thought about the problem of expensive medical treatment, from the relatively small costs (such as having an MRI) up to full blown hospitalization, or treatments worth $500 each week and so on. I tend to have had these thoughts just after opening the mail:)

There is a real temptation to skimp, to say that's an outrageous price, no way can I justify it, junior has to go to uni, the rent needs paying, whatever.

Then again the most precious thing in the world is a human being, it has no price, and really no personal sacrifice is too much to keep a loved one going in health for a long, happy and productive life (hopefully with a generous portion of love thrown in).

I know there is some doubt around the edges - some grey areas. Does one bankrupt oneself to give a new hip to a very elderly relative with dementia, perhaps - I wouldn't. Do I sell the house to give my wife extended hospitalization? - Yes, & I have been close to doing just that.

I also know it can be hard to tell if such spending will be effective - eg if the heart transplant will be rejected, or the therapy work.

All I can do is speak for myself, I would never hesitate to spend on necessary health measures, and if there is a small doubt about efficacy I'd ignore it and go ahead anyway. 50% doubt? Well I'd probably still say yes - I hope so. Applies to offspring, spouse and even self.

I know all this is a simplification and I'm not in your circumstances, I'm trying to say you are worth the $xxx per session, its not even a question.

Croix (Who looks forward to meeting you fit and well in the Official Receiver's Office :0)