Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[Quercus]

Haha 😄 Ah Croix thank you. I had to google what is the Official Receiver's Office but once I worked it out I laughed so bloody hard. Yep will probably end up bankrupt so I'll see you there 😊.

I'm pulling myself together. Next week I'll get to start the journey. It's only a week. I've been waiting a very long time to be ready to get this off my chest so today was just a disappointment I think.

The clouds are lifting a bit. This forum is a Godsend. I picked up my phone and found a thread of another member going through an similar experience. And another member introduced me to the wheel of power and control. I've never heard of this. It explained so much and justified a lot of the feelings I still struggle with.

And then you pop by with more words I needed to hear. Thank you. Any chance you've had a listen to Dottie's suggestions on your thread? I enjoyed them.

[Quercus]

Hi Mary,

I've been thinking of you today. How are you? I saw elsewhere that you're struggling and the pain keeps moving to other joints. My heart goes out to you.

Are you having any luck finding something you enjoy to do if you aren't able to sew? Was the physio any help? I was wondering if your local swimming pool has a sauna? The warm water can be a relief for pain and is easier to get in and out of than a bath.

I hope you are alright and if you need to vent or talk I'm here. Take care Mary 😊

[Quercus]

Oh my God. I'm in such a bad place right now.

The noise.

Why won't they Just. Shut. Up.

I've locked myself in the toilet to get away from my own children. My two year old is screaming and hitting and kicking the door.

They haven't stopped screeching at me since 6am. I am done. The house is trashed. My head is pounding.

I haven't self harmed since my son was a baby and I just want to beat my head against the wall.

[Zeal]

Hi Quercus,

I haven't been replying on this thread, but wanted to reply to your last post, as you are clearly distressed. I haven't had kids yet, so I can't directly relate to the stress of having a toddler. Do you have someone who can help you out in some way, even if that's just helping to calm your toddler so that you have a breather?

Are there any strategies that have helped you in the past to cope with your depression when pressures are building? Short mindfulness practices are worth exploring, if this is something you haven't tried. I used to believe that I couldn't meditate or be mindful, but I have been doing short guided mindfulness sessions this year that have been helpful. This website has free audio sessions: https://www.bangor.ac.uk/mindfulness/audio/index.php.en
Even though this is essential an academic site, the mindfulness audio tracks can be used in any setting.

Best wishes,

Zeal

[CMF]

Hey Quercus,

There is nothing wrong with going into another room to have a quick break from the kids and gather your thoughts, I'm sure your house would be child proof. Yes the constant noise of toddlers can drive us mad, i know.

What else is happening with you, i am concerned for you. You posted on my thread re managing feelings of anger, that you were at a loss. I searched the bb forums and there is a thread on managing anger, white knight (Tony) has made reference to other threads on there.

Can you have some time out from the kids, can someone take them off your hands for a while?

cmf x

[ro63]

Hi Quercus, I know how you are feeling My so is autistic and has the worst OCD you have ever seen and ,you have to take time out I mean seriously unless you wear a cape and regularly star in marvel movies you need time for you too and if it's the dunny so be it ,just take a packet of chocolate bisciuts in with you ,it's all good turn the music up ,Regards Ross.

[Quercus]

Hi CMF and Zeal,

Thank you for your replies and support.

I am ok and the kids and I are all safe.

I'm so sorry for writing like that. You have your own worries to deal with and I'm ashamed to have even written that let alone be thoughtless and selfish enough to have posted it. I didn't think it would get through moderating but they've just edited a swear word. But for what it's worth I am sorry.

How embarrassing my father in law came to bring me flowers to apologise for 'ruining Easter' (he didn't he just has problems of his own we understand that). He was at the door listening to me sobbing in the toilet and my kids screaming. My son started yelling that I had to open the door cos there were flowers and smarties. So I phoned him and asked him to please take them away for a while.

So embarrassed and ashamed right now. I rang BB today and got put on hold for ages so I gave up. The kids have given up their naps and I'm not adjusting at all. They are angels for everyone else and demons for me. Today they decided to pull down the curtain so now I've a broken window and a bent curtain rod and no money to fix either.

Thanks CMF for finding WK's thread I will have to read it. I'm starting to get angry at the drop of a hat again. Maybe the psychiatrist is right and I should try another medication. I'm frightened of the suicidal thoughts coming back though.

Thanks for listening and posting I'm so sorry to make you worry. It was cruel of me.

[Quercus]

Thank you Ross,

I think you're pretty amazing then kids are hard work enough without Autism. I appreciate your reply. My hubby used to get earmuffs from the shed when the kids were babies. I find it odd that didn't bother me as much as the fighting and screaming do now they're toddlers.

Especially when I know they're putting it on for my undivided attention.

Ah chocolate. My old friend. I had to give sugar the boot (to manage side effects from my immunosuppressive meds). Chocolate and icecream would be MAGICAL on a day like today. I settled for a cuppa and some food. I just realised I haven't eaten at all today.

Thankyou again Ross, take care of yourself and if I can ever return the favour and support you I am there. Do you have a thread of your own?

[CMF]

Hi Quercus,

Firstly, no need to apologize or feel ashamed. Don't be embarassed and you are not cruel. You are human, you were having a rough time, you didn't do or think anything different than we would have. I Had a big yelling episode today and i have had to walk away and sit my bedroom for a while at times. You have 2 who have stopped napping so it is go go go all day. I understand you need to adjust, don't be so hard on yourself. you are a great mum.

Kids are always well behaved for others and terrors for us because they feel secure and comfortable with us with us. We are their safety net to have a tantrum or yell or express how they feel, they can be themselves. I'm sorry you had to wait so long on the phone and about the window, that would really upset me too. Not having eaten doesn't help, i know that too as i am guilty of not eating properly and trying to take on everything.

We worry about you because we care for you and what you are going through, you are not cruel for posting what you did, you needed support and that is why we are all here.

I hope you have a chance to relax and unwind tonight. Please do not be too hard on yourself, you are doing your best and still supporting others here. You are doing so much, take some time for you.

cmf x

[White_Rose]

Hello Quercus and CMF and everyone else.

Foxy lady you are being human and normal. In retrospect I wonder how I managed four of the darlings and survived. Then I wonder how they survived.😊 When you are not coping I believe the children know something is wrong. They either use the opportunity to play up or become anxious because mom is upset and then play up. 😊 Not sure if that is cynical or factual.

We all need to vent and I am positive you have heard that before. This is the place. We can cheer you on from the sidelines and maybe you can imagine how we look, complete with flags and banners. Seriously, whatever you want to write here is OK. No one is hurt or offended or thinks you should keep your emotions to yourself. We know how hard it is to keep our cool and not just with the littlies. When you are feeling uptight try and make a cuppa and sit down. I know, I know, but try it anyway.

When my daughter went into labour with her second child I was called at 2:00am to care for child one. All arranged so no problem. I arrived to find said child out of bed because there was some noise. She had been told mommy would go to hospital for the baby to be born but I think it had only just registered with her that she would stay home. Normally she does love grandma, but not that night. Mom and dad went off with the promise that daughter would be taken to the hospital when the baby was born. Not good enough for madam. She carried on about being left behind and would not go back to bed. I wanted nothing more than to lie on the couch and sleep for a couple of hours.

Eventually she lay on the floor near the door being very quiet. Then she told me to go home. I said I had to stay to look after her as she could not be left alone. Her reply was that mommy would have to come back to look after her. All very well worked out for a three year old. Her mom and me had a giggle afterwards. I think being able to laugh about situations is a huge benefit. Gets rid of the tension and releases various hormones or endorphins or whatever into the blood stream and we feel so much better. I understand there are various laughing clubs around the world which operate solely to teach people to laugh. Sounds good to me. Check it out on your computer. There are clubs in Oz.

I have been following your example and beating myself up for being 'bad'. Had a great heart to heart with my counsellor this afternoon and we talked about the light and dark sides of our characters. No room left

Mary