Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

[Quercus]

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

[White_Rose]

Hello Quercus

So pleased you had a better day. Yes, moderation. Sounds so easy until you find yourself sucked in to something and not realising what the time is. Like reading a book that is so enthralling you feel you cannot put it down. I would put BB more in that category than in the drugs/alcohol/gambling type of addictions.

I can see you care very deeply about others and this can have an effect on you. In many ways it is better for you to 'work' on BB than in face to face situations as you can wait to answer if you feel unwell etc. I know it gives satisfaction to help but as I said, it's good to leave threads when you are feeling tired or upset.

Had my test results yesterday. No nasties I am happy to say. A high inflammation reading which accounts for the aches and pains. Nothing about why this started. Pain is beginning to subside for which I am heartily thankful. I can now get up from a chair without screaming (maybe that's an exaggeration), dress and undress also without moaning and carry out those normal actions of life we take for granted, albeit more slowly. Getting old is not for the faint hearted.

Good news about your reduced work hours. I think you will find this a benefit.

My garden is nice. Nothing to enter into a competition but restful. I sit outside and read quite often but often end up simply 'being' in the garden. I think this where and why I got the inspiration to re-landscape. I asked my gardener yesterday to relocate a Sacred Bamboo from a pot to the garden bed. Well he did but to the wrong bed. I'm a bit cross because he suggested putting it where it is and I said that I wanted it elsewhere. Will get my grandson to move it later. I cannot dig holes yet.

I am loving this cooler weather. Makes me feel more alive. Summer leaves me feeling like a plant that is not watered, droopy and bent over.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Mary,

Glad to hear the pain is easing a bit. I don't think you're exaggerating at all (having been there myself a lot). As soon as your movement is restricted eveything takes more effort. It's exhausting in every way. I'm nervous about getting older (if my joints are stuffed at 32 what will 90 be like? We tend to live long in my family). I try not to dwell on it.

Arrgh how frustrating for you about the garden. You must be itching to get out there and get your hands dirty 😊 hopefully you're able to soon!

Have you tried a TENS machine at all? I rented one for my first labor and it was pretty good for pain relief I'm thinking of buying one for my knees when I can afford it. Might be worth renting one to see if it helps you.

Yes I feel better taking action about work. I'm going to slowly start looking elsewhere too long term this is not a good place for me to work especially with my meds compromising my immune system. At least I can walk properly now 😊

We've had a very dry and warm autumn so far. Hopefully the rains come eventually! Totally agree with you about the heat. My garden at the block is mostly trees (especially big shady trees) just to try keep it cooler. Plus they cope better in the dry. I have three Moreton Bay Figs that are doing beautifully maybe my grandkids will one day live to see my garden how it exists in my mind 😊

[Croix]

Dear Quercus~

Have you thought of hiring a TENS yourself just to see if it will be effective on the knees? I've not had that much luck with them, buts that's spine, not knees - which are a bit different as everyone knows, but then again so is labor:)

People being 'addicted' to on-line. Sure it happens. The person finds on-line seems to fill all their needs, ease, interaction with others, maybe some self-esteem, control, occupation, entertainment in a way. Happens to kids too with on-line games for somewhat similar reasons.

I guess it can be somewhat difficult to separate a necessary retreat from addiction. Perhaps the answer lies in what ends up being important long-term, a very limited sheltered experience or real-life and the people around you. I suppose for me it is a balance (with real the most important by far, though I would hate to loose the Forum).

I see lots and lots who are here virtually 24/7 for quite a while, then peter out and go.

One test I know of is if you are checking every couple of minutes whenever awake. If so time to back off. Dunno if that is any help. My impression is you have a balanced approach - what do you think?

And now for something completely different. A very long time ago (the 60's) I went though Singapore and did the tourist thing. Saw a most fantastical gully full of concrete dragons, monsters and warriors. The most -umm - 'remarkable' thing I've ever seen in the way of landscaping - all concrete (including the figures). Your previous post reminded me, it was called 'The Tiger Balm Gardens'.

There was absolutely no reason I posted this chunk of trivia except, as I say, I was reminded by your use of the unguent and talk of gardens.

It sounds a pretty good plan about your work. I hope you get to see your garden as it is in your mind's eye.

Croix

[blondguy]

Hey Quercus

My humble apologies for being slack and not posting on your inspirational thread

I dont think you have an issue with your voice anymore 🙂

You have done so well after reading through your thread

Thankyou so very much for your valued experience and input elsewhere

Just saying hello (and well done to you) 🙂

my kindest

Paul

[Quercus]

I'm sorry to ignore your posts Croix and Paul (I appreciate them a lot and will reply when I'm in a better mindset).

I'm really upset at the moment. I put the kids down for a nap and just burst into tears. Deep breath. Thoughts keep going in circles.

We've been talking about avoiding triggers and whether the forums are a good thing for me. Generally I think they are. I try to be very careful what I write. I remind myself that I'm not a medical professional and I'm careful.

But this morning I checked my threads while I was waiting for the kid's brekkie to cook and there was a reply. I've upset someone.

He's angry and hurt. I feel absolutely hideous even though I've apologised. And sick to my stomach. And triggered by being lashed out at. And panicked because I have to work tonight in a crowd of people who will also be angry and frustrated (noone likes queues especially at 1am).

I'm overreacting I know. I put the phone away for a long while and came back with a clearer mind only to see another negative comment on another thread. And now I'm dwelling and teary again because this has been a really helpful place for me and I just want to feel safe here.

Thanks for letting me get this out. I need to pull myself back together. Time for a cup of tea and some music. A date with Jon Bellion as my husband would say....

[Croix]

Dear Quercus~

I really feel for you, you had the very best of motives, and came up with suggestions that would normally have been both appropriate and welcomed. In this instance something went wrong. Frankly there is nothing you could have done different.

Please don't let it put you off giving your advice to others, its both needed and good. Unfortunately there is no real way to know how someone will react. Also I think your response was both measured and still caring.

If it was me I'd have a rest from that thread , but that's just me, you do whatever you are comfortable with, but remember there is never any obligation (other than self-imposed:) to do anything here.

Any particular Bellion?

Croix

[Quercus]

Thanks Croix,

I need to pull myself together. If hubby comes home and I'm upset like this it will reinforce his worry and he'll say I need to stay off the forums all together.

Not his choice to make but I don't want the conflict.

Your reassurance and advice are always sound and appreciated. Thank you.

Today is a "human" day I think. And probably "eyes to the sky". Righto Mr. Bellion ease my mind 😊

Thanks Croix

[CMF]

Hi Quercus,

Sorry you had a negative reaction i agree with Croix, maybe take a break from that thread. You have apologised, leave it at that. It's bound to happen here and of course with reading we do not know the tone that was intended and words can be easily misread and tone misinterpreted. I did the same remember, felt really upset by a comment that i know wa all good intentions. It just caught me off guard and i think the words used, although not bad words, triggered a negative memory as when i think about it i can picture a particular scenario.

I find your posts and comments very heartfelt and sincere. I truly appreciate that i have gotten to know you. you are very valued here and always have the best of intentions.

cmf x

[james1]

Hey Quercus,

I just wanted to reassure you that you said nothing wrong. I think we can all become a bit impatient and frustrated when under the control of our mental illness and that's what happened there. Lashing out is a reflection of our own struggles, not of those trying to help us out.

Anyway,

I'm glad you've expressed yourself so well here and still feel like the forums can be of help to you.

James

[White_Rose]

Hello Quercus

Moreton Bay Figs eh. We needed our grandparents to plant them for us to see how beautiful and majestic they are. But just think, you are leaving a legacy to the world.

Bursting into tears is part of depression. Doesn't help when you are in public but it's OK at home. The usual ups and downs of life become matters of life and death when we are depressed. Last week I got into a panic about whether to go and get my hair cut or phone the plumber who had just 'repaired' my toilet because it had stopped working again. Because I was already upset and hurting I think my brain went into shut down and making a decision was impossible. Silly I know, but that can be the reality. Take deep breath and move. By the way, I had my hair cut before phoning the plumber. It would have been more sensible to have done it the other way round.

I have used a TENS machine before on physio advice. It was when I had tennis elbow and it was helpful. It was small enough to take to work and use. I'm giving this a few more days then I will ask the physio about TENS. It is a great idea. GP has also said if my shoulder does not heal soon she will send me for a cortisone shot. Oh joyful.

I'm so sad you are upset. It is an occupational hazard and as someone has said, reading messages is nothing like listening. I don't know which thread you are talking about but it doesn't matter. It happens sometimes and really it is no one's fault. If you start remembering something unpleasant, stop for a moment and allow the thought to end, then say it's OK, that has passed and I need to carry on. (or words to that effect).

Telling yourself you are over reacting does not usually help because you are beating yourself up again. I know you have no intention of harming anyone in any way. You do need to forgive yourself.

There is a thread written by Dr Kim, Staying well/Taking things the wrong way (on the forums and in life Take a look at it and take comfort because this is how we operate.

Have a quiet weekend with the family. If you feel like writing that's great, but don't push yourself. Leave the posts that trick you into the SFD brain (read Dr Kim) and talk to others.

Mary