Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Saree_p]

Lilly,

Please stop.

You are a wonderful person who is struggling.

As I said, ECT takes time.
My meds are taking a long time too, with multiple changes which are sending everything haywire.

My psyche n psychiatrist also wanted me admitted under private health here, but reality is I am still minting a job and it'd be detrimental at this point. Plus COVID makes it not optional at this point. Well it does except the hospital is shut down and I really don't need other complications.

My moral. You will get there. Even if you can't see it. You will

Saree

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

I am so sad you are still going through this tough time. One positive, you said it gets a bit better each time, or rather it takes longer to start going downhill. We all know how hard it is to keep going when there appears to be little result. It is happening for you so please hang on to that thought. Do you remember when your children were small and someone would say, "Gosh look how tall they are getting". You look at the boys with different eyes and consciously realise they are growing.

It's the same with getting well. It happens so gradually it's hard to see. That's one of the useful things about journaling. Writing about how you feel etc but not rereading it for some time then going back to it can show you how far you have come. Sometimes this realisation comes out of the blue. It does happen. Yesterday I ate a slice of bread. I know in terms of success this is very small but it was amazing. Since I had surgery two years what I can eat has been severely restricted. By what I can eat I mean what I can physically chew and swallow without feeling ill. OK a small step but it has opened new options for meals even though I am not game to eat more than one slice of bread every day or so.

OK it's in a much less league than yours but I wanted to give you an illustration of how these things happen. I know saying I have been where you are does not help much. It's always hard to feel what someone else is feeling. Just please believe it does happen. We are both human and have lots in common including surviving depression and living in that horrible darkness and feeling without hope. Please hold on. You will get through this.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Dear Saree and Mary ,

I hope you get your meds right Saree it is such a process sometimes to get right.

Mary it’s really great you were able to eat some bread. I hope you can manage to eat more with feeling too much pain afterwards and during eating these different foods.

Everyone one wants me to keep going but how long do you keep thinking things are going to work and stay working . I have tried so many times and here I am struggling big time . My psychiatrist that I had for 7 weeks in hospital has referred me back to a psychiatrist I saw over a year ago who referred me to him . I feel like a tag team as though no one really wants me as there patient. And really I don’t blame them. They say it’s my past I am not dealing with. Maybe they are right but I will never be able to talk about it . I surpose that’s my problem and I deserve feeling like this because I can’t deal with my past . My psychologist want to do EDMR which is talking about past traumas. I just can’t go there because it would make me more hopeless which is says alit because I can’t grt anymore hopeless than how I feel atm. I am so pathetic . I just can’t keep on keeping in . I am living with panic ,anxiety and depression (.sadness) all day. I don’t get to sleep until 2 am and then it’s just nightmares whenever I do fall asleep. I really don’t know what to do who to turn too. Anyway whatever .

sorry for being so needy:(

Lilly

[Lilly99]

P.s sorry I mean’t Mary I hope you don’t feel pain eating different foods. And sorry lots of spelling mistakes . I didn’t re-read what I wrote before sending it . See totally out of control - embarrassing

lilly

[White_Rose]

You're not the only one who posts with lots of typos in the words. When I reread some of my posts I want to scratch out some words because I sound stupid. Not really silly. I tell myself my brain works faster than my fingers which cannot keep up and hence the typos. Checking before I press post? Rarely think of it.

I guessed you meant me no harm about eating.

I found talking about my past difficult. In fact I still do and in all probability it's why I have difficulty managing at times. It's damned difficult and scares the hell out of me, especially talking to someone who knows little about me anyway. I wonder if I will be believed, if I am making a fuss about something very ordinary, if reliving these events is worthwhile. If you go back to your first psychiatrist or decide to work with the psychologist can you talk about trust? It is imperative to be able to trust the person you are talking to. I don't mean because they may run off and tell someone else as that is something that should not happen.

What I mean is talking to someone who will not push you too hard, not insist on answers immediately. Being allowed to talk about the less painful events first and only moving on when you are ready. I know it's hard to say you are ready to talk but I wonder if you can start the process by no longer saying you cannot do it. Try to remove this barrier first. Coming up against the 'cannot' barrier stops all possibility of moving on. It gets to be a bigger roadblock every time so try to reduce it by refusing to say it will last forever. Give yourself another option.

I do wish you well and hope you can keep going until you can talk about your life. At least think about my suggestions and not dismiss them out of hand.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Thank you Mary for your reply I will give it some thought . But feeling extremely depressed , anxious and hopeless about my situation atm . Sorry

lilly

[Lilly99]

Dear Mary. Jojo and Saree

Sorry I won’t post for awhile, I obviously can’t post anything positive . Hope you all stay well. Take care of yourselves

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

You are not pathetic!! You are still struggling and in a lot of emotional pain, but despite that you have managed to keep going. That takes tremendous strength and courage. You may not feel that way, but it’s true.

It may be that it takes some time before you feel the full benefit of ECT and it starts to make you feel better long-term. I know my Dad had to have quite a number of sessions before there was any improvement.

I hope you will continue to post even if you are feeling down and negative as it helps to vent and get things off your chest.

You have come a very long way since your first post even if you can’t see it. I have seen it and others here have seen it too.

Lilly you matter, you are valued, you count and we all care about you so don’t give in to the negative thoughts, they are not who you really are xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗👋🦔

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

Thank you for saying I matter but I honestly don’t think I do .

I wasn’t going to post again and hopefully it won’t be too often.

I spent 7 weeks in hospital having ECT. 3 weeks in a trauma unit that I can’t remember and going now every Wednesday as a out patient having ECT . All under dr W. He has passed me onto another psychiatrist I saw when I was in hospital in November last year his name is Dr G who phoned me today he asked me what I would like him to do . How would I know he is the professional. Anyway he is going to get in touch with me again in a month . Honestly I feel so hopeless and unable to be helped by anyone. I feel I am being passed around and no one knows what to do with me.

How do you keep on keeping on hoping things will somehow improve ? I couldn’t hate myself more than what I do . I can’t see myself liking myself in the future . I don’t know what to do I am so lost .

Hope everyone is doing better than me.

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I can assure you that you do matter to me regardless of what you may think. I care about you and am happy to chat no matter how you are feeling.

You have been so brave to go through time in hospital, time in a trauma ward and ongoing ECT. I am so sorry you don’t feel this has given you much relief of your symptoms.

All I know is that when you work on past trauma it tends to stir your emotions up so that everything may feel much worse before it starts to get better. Give yourself time to heal Lilly. This varies from person to person as to how long it takes to start improving.

Don’t be discouraged you can do this as you are on the right track. I also found when I was discharged from hospital I would see a different psychiatrist and psychologist. I think this is just part of the system and wouldn’t take it personally.

Please try and distract yourself from the negative thoughts you are having. Try and do something nice for yourself this week such as buy yourself some flowers or buy some uplifting music with meaningful lyrics. Bring some colour into your life you deserve it and are worth it.

Take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗💐🎶