Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[White_Rose]

Hello Lilly

Good to hear from you. I remember being asked what I wanted to do and having the same reaction as you. How do I know, you're the doctor. In retrospect I wonder if the question was more aimed at making my personal goals and getting the doctor to help me achieve them. I know one of my goals was to stop taking antidepressants but that was ignored.

Are you still receiving ECT while you wait for your doctor to call you? I hope so. You have told us you feel the ECT helps for a while and that these periods of time are getting a little longer. When you are feeling sad can you remember this. You may think this is not a huge thing but it really is. Any step forward is a cause for celebration.

May I ask why you do not want to post. It seems to me that you get some great support here which helps you a great deal. I know we cannot solve your difficulties for you but we can metaphorically hold your hand. For me in my most dreadful time this was a lifeline. I did cling to people and mostly they allowed me to do this. I don't think BB was around then otherwise I may well have joined this forum and asked for help.

I hope you do not feel hassled by us. it can be hard to listen to others give us information we do not believe in. You say you hate yourself and feel you do not matter and I can relate to that. I still feel that way quite often. How can we go from feeling like such a loser to feeling we matter? I would love to tell you how I changed but I don't really know. Somewhere there was some confidence building and I learned to look at myself through less critical eyes. Maybe this could be one of your goals, or something similar. The psych will then have something specific where he can use his skills. What do you think.

May I suggest you make a list of these sorts of goals no matter whether you think you can achieve them or not. The list is not about what you believe will or can happen, it's about what would be a good thing for you. Try thinking about the negative aspects of your life and write a wish list of what you would like to happen. No sabotaging yourself first by insisting this will never happen. It's just a wish list to give to your psych. Give it a try.

Please tell us why you want to stop posting.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo , Mary and Saree,

I am so sorry for my endless needy behaviour. I think that’s why I feel I shouldn’t post because I always seem like a problem to everyone .

My psychiatrist didn’t just palm me off to another psychiatrist at the same hospital it was to a different hospital and him saying he will talk to me in a month I think is the final straw. I go to the hospital every Wednesday for ECT I can’t see why my psychiatrist can’t talk to me then and feels he has to send me to someone else.

I really don’t know how I will overcome this depression and anxiety/ panic . It’s just not only hard to get through each week but each day each hour . I will try and do what you all have suggested but all I really want or feel I need to do is stay in bed and sleep.

This has been going on for so long I have seen so many professionals for help and still struggling . I have been keeping busy to take my mind off myself but still struggling big time . Sorry for being such a problem .

I will try and make a list but I honestly think my psychiatrist have had enough of me or more truthfully they really don’t care and I don’t blame them.

Thank you all for your help it hasn’t gone unheard . Take care of yourselves.

Lilly

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

Please stop saying you are a burden to us. If we feel you are a nuisance all we have to do is stop posting to you. It is very definitely our choice to stay. Of course you have lost your confidence in people. That's what depression does to us. I think just about everyone with a depressive illness feels lonely, because no one understands, a nuisance because they need/want love and reassurance, ashamed of themselves for having this need. Maybe I am attributing feelings others don't have but I certainly felt that way.

I would love for you to accept this for the time being. No self reproaches or beating yourself up over what you see as your failings. It's normal. No one wants to feel this way and sadly it is very easy to fall into the habit of thinking these things about ourselves and believing they will never change. Well I cannot guarantee you will change but I have observed myself and others who have travelled a long way down that dreadful road and returned. Not unscathed but so much stronger.

It is hard to get through the day and sleeping your life away is a tempting prospect. I got through my horror time by living for the next hour. What was I going to do/say/think in the next hour. No thoughts about anything further away. I know we have to plan for things such as going to the doctor or doing the shopping but when the time comes simply focus on the job as part of that hour. I know I am making it sound simple and straight forward and it is anything but that. You have to start somewhere and learning to live one hour at a time is a start. If you have a better option I would love to hear about it.

So your homework is to start making your list about your goals and pulling yourself up when the "I'm useless" thoughts start up in your mind. Is it OK to give you homework? I wrote it a bit tongue in cheek but can you at least make a start on it? Let me know if I am being too bossy.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Dear Mary,

You are not being bossy at all. I really need help atm. I am struggling big time . I will try and do what you have suggested. Homework is fine 🙂

Thank you so much for your help

lilly

[White_Rose]

Great. I look forward to hearing about your successes.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Hi everyone ,

I am so sorry I haven’t been able to write a list in fact there isn’t much I can do or achieve atm. Everything is just so hard I haven’t any energy or anything hopeful or any positive thoughts to even think about it . I told my psychiatrist exactly how I am feeling which is pretty desperate and useless. He said he will talk to me in a month which made me feel nobody cares. 

lilly

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lilly99,

We're so grateful that you have reached out here to our community tonight, we know that it is not an easy thing to do. We're also really sorry to hear how low you're feeling at the moment, even after telling your psychiatrist how you've been feeling. But please know that you're not alone in this, and our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We're also getting in touch with you via email to provide you with some additional supports.

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.  

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. Overcoming trauma is time consuming and very hard work. So feeling like you do is perfectly understandable. I just wish you had people support you could rely on between appointments.

I agree monthly consults with your psychiatrist do not sound adequate enough for your needs. Is it possible for you to request more regular contact? Are you still having the weekly ECT treatment?

I pray for you and your family every night Lilly that you will get well and are able to cope with everything life throws at you.

I am glad you are able to keep posting as it is good to get your feelings out rather than stuck in your head. I see Sophie sent you a message and email so I hope that was helpful for you.

Keep hoping for better times and holding on one day at a time. You can get through this xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕊

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo, Sophie and everyone

Thank you for your kind words I am really low i don’t think I could get any lower actually. And feeling pretty desperate and can’t see a way out of how I feel. My psychiatrist who was doing my ECT has said he won’t do any more unless I see the other psychiatrist who only wants to see me every month but I can’t afford the gap fee and have told me ECT psychiatrist this and he said it sounds like I am running out of people to help me and said he won’t do any more ECTs unless I see him which I can’t . I am on my own which has pretty well made me give up all hope of ever getting well or even caring what happens to me. I feel hopeless and have this internal panic and depression all day every day . It’s just constant sadness . And desperation i think there isn’t any point continuing. I feel like everyone’s problem and I have lost myself . I don’t recognise this person I have become . Or even care what happens from here.

Thank you to everyone who has posted to help . Do you think some people just can’t be ?

Thank you Jojo I don’t think I have ever had a YFF. Thank you for being so lovely .

Lilly

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lilly,

That must have been really frustrating to hear that from your psychiatrist and I can understand why you are feeling so unsupported at the moment. However, at times like these I think it is also important to remember that even though we might feel very alone and low at the moment, that it necessarily isn't true, and a lot of the posts on this forum itself is a great example of us doing our best to support each other through dark times.

I have also sent you an email for some extra support, and you might also find our subforum on health professionals and therapies helpful in navigating things. In the meantime I would really do my best to focus on taking care of yourself tonight.