Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Saree_p]

How did u go lilly?

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

You are not ranting and have nothing to apologise for. I am really glad you are able to share on the forum how you are feeling rather than bottling it all up inside.

It must be hard not being able to discuss things with your sons. That is their loss as you are such a good listener and have a good head on your shoulders. It’s such a shame you can’t help each other.

How is your Mum now, has she recovered from her stroke?

Did you manage to keep your ECT appointment? That would keep you in contact with the hospital so they are aware of your progress.

Stay safe Lilly and don’t give up xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🐣

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

It’s really nice you thinking so highly of me but honestly I don’t deserve it. I am finding it hard to keep going , it’s easy to give others advice but really hard to action that advice myself. 7 weeks in hospital Jojo and weekly ECT ‘s I really wonder why I do it and what it’s all for because honestly I am not handling things at all. I hate myself so much and everything I stand for. I think the thing is I don’t stand for anything and find it hard to keep on keeping on hoping things will improve but reality It Won’t EVER not for me. Unlikely I will go back to the hospital I think I have given up on myself .

My mum has improved however won’t be able to drive anymore. And house bound because she could catch the virus pretty easy with being her age and low immunity .

I feel bad for sharing so much on the forum Jojo I am sure people are sick of me going on and on.

I hope you are well Jojo you are such a amazing person you have so much strength and such a caring compassionate personality. Thank you Jojo for all the help you have given me. I think I might just be one of those People that can’t be . Just when I feel I am getting better I seem to crash emotionally. Pathetic really. It’s so easy to give up

Take care of yourself Jojo and I hope you are always safe .

lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Please try and continue with your hospital appointments, especially as it is very isolating being at home because of the virus, and can impact negatively on your mental health. Having regular contact could be beneficial for you as you won’t be dealing with your emotions all by yourself.

Try not to be so down on yourself Lilly and please continue to post especially if you are struggling. Everyone understands here as many have been where you are now so can empathise.

Dealing with and recovering from trauma takes time and varies from person to person. It often depends on the amount of support a person has. I was lucky and had people who I gradually began to trust allowing me to move forward slowly.

Don’t give up on yourself Lilly. You have come this far and have shown to me you are every bit as strong as Saree. You can get through this. Now is not the time to stop xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🐣

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

I have once again caught up with your posts. You remind me very much of myself as I was and often still am. I find it difficult to accept compliments and to believe I am of any use. Not all the time it's true but now and then I fall in a big heap. The journey back can be so hard. Your ECT sounds like my treatment. It happens every week and I wonder if it is keeping this illness under control or if I will never be well enough to have a good life. There is no cure for me, just treatment to keep everything under control.

I do the things I am supposed to do, eat properly, get some exercise, rest, keep busy with those activities I enjoy. Yes it does work until I have a bad day and nothing works. I know how tempting it is to try to see some improvement but when the improvement is in small steps it's hard to see and makes us feel worse. I remember telling my psychiatrist that there was no point in visiting the past because I could not change it so why did I need to feel the old hurt. It took a few years for me to realise I was right about changing the past but wrong about the reason for visiting the past.

As I understand it we look at our past traumas to understand what happened, why we were harmed, how this informs our current life. Not an easy road to travel and like you I was scared of raking open the past and the wounds. It's still my most unfavourite thing to do. However there are times when I realise how much of what happened in the past affects the how and why I currently manage my life.

You need fortitude to go through this process and plenty of support from your medical staff, family and friends. Mostly others do not understand but are willing to walk with you anyway. We are willing to walk with you here at beyondblue. We are not always available so I will suggest a couple of phone lines that can help you.

Beyondblue 1300 22 4636 or look at the new site above managing our mental health during this horrible time of the Covid19 effect. I think I have mentioned the Suicide Call Back Service (SCBS) before. They are excellent people to talk to. 1300 659 467 Both helplines are available 24/7. Give them a try and look at the Corona virus site which is at the top of the home page.

Keep talking.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo , Mary , Saree and everyone.

Well I don’t know what to say . Struggling big time. 7 weeks in hospital having ECT and numerous other admissions in hospital prior . Now out and weekly ECT so I don’t relapse . I saw my psychologist yesterday feeling pretty hopeless , desperate and really emotional struggling. Not sleeping until around 2am and when I do lots of nightmares . This has all been going on for a long time. I actually can’t remember when I felt happy ( normal ) . I leave hospital slightly better then as each day passes I get more depressed and my anxiety is through the roof. REALLY what’s it all for ? I keep going for my family but it’s hard really hard to keep plodding along hoping life will get better the thoughts will stop. The nightmare’s will stop , the panic will stop , I am kidding myself.

On Wednesday when I attended the ECT my psychiatrist new I wasn’t good and asked if I needed to go back into hospital , I said I can’t live there . He hasn’t bothered to phone me to check how I am going, don’t blame him really , he’s know doubt over me and I don’t blame him I am over myself. I think I have accepted I will never be better I will always deteriorate . Far out I feel emotional and hopeless about my situation. As I am writing this I am really in full blown panic . Sorry everyone I don’t know what I expect when I obviously I can’t help myself and when I try it doesn’t last it’s just a roller coaster ride I will never be able to get off or overcome.

Hope you are all doing okay and are all well with so much going on in the world and of course here in Aussie . Stay safe and take care of yourselves.

Lilly

[Saree_p]

Hi Lilly,

Sorry to hear things aren't that great atm.

Is it sunny up there? I have sun here which is weird as its been pouring with rain.

I understand how tiring everything is.
Got off the phone from my psychologist who is simply begging that I hold in till Wednesday and then to the following week. Its hard.

What's the plan therapy wise from here?
Any support groups or people you can hang out with?

Thoughts are with you
Saree

[Lilly99]

Dear Saree,

Thoughts are with you. It’s been 33 degrees today so really warm . I would welcome some rain . Hold out for as long as you can to get the help you need Saree , but sometimes I understand it’s really hard to find. I go back to the hospital I just spent 7 weeks in to have ECT on a Wednesday with the same psychiatrist. The only thing is he doesn’t want to see me in the outside as a out patient and has referred me back to a psychiatrist I sae last year. He seems nice but did mention involuntary admission and medication so I am on guard. It’s frustrating downing 7 weeks in hospital getting out then slowly going downhill . I can’t understand it. No matter what I try never works long term. I hope you have a lot better luck than myself .

I don’t think I could get more stressed and emotional atm if I tried . Sorry I wish I could be a better role model

Take care my thoughts are with you.

Lilly

[Saree_p]

It's ok Lilly,

We all have really tough time and your allowed them too...

Is it ayleast getting better each time? From what I understand ECT can take a long time to get it right so to speak.

Would hospital admission be a bad thing if needed again?

Do wish you could get a good night's sleep though!

Hang in there,
Saree

[Lilly99]

Thanks Saree,

Its getting a little better each time as in longer to start to relapse . But only a few weeks which isn’t much considering . Going back to hospital seems pretty pointless just to relapse. Can’t see me ever having a life that’s normal so to speak . Hope you are feeling better today . Hope life gives you a break Saree.

You really need to hang in there . I have a feeling things will improve for you someday . I have so much faith for others but absolutely none for myself . Anyway it is what it is

lilly