Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Welcome back you have been missed. It sounds as though there has been some improvement which is great. It is perfectly understandable that you are still feeling emotional considering what you have been dealing with. I am so proud of you for not giving up. It is good you will still be seen weekly to keep on top of things.

One of my neighbours has tested positive for the virus so I am being extra careful. I have plenty of food and toilet paper and supportive friends. I was supposed to be going to Monkey Mia in May, but that’s been cancelled. How are you coping?

Look after yourself and stay safe xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🌟

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

I just don’t know Jojo, I really wonder what it’s all for, today my employer closed told all staff until further notice . I wasn’t planning on going back for awhile anyway because I am still not good . My son isn’t speaking to me because apparently all I have spoken about since returning home is the virus . I was just trying to make him aware how serious it is but he feels it’s all I talk about. I really wonder why I try and get better when I seem to not do anything right . 7 weeks in hospital and I am more miserable than I have been . What’s it all for Jojo ? Why is life so hard.

lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

It is important to talk about the virus and be aware of what we can and cannot do. However it is good to switch off too at times. I have started watching dvds to take my mind of the news which can get a bit scary.

It sounds like your son might be having difficulty adjusting to all the changes. He may very well be scared?

If you need to talk about the virus or are really worried there is a section on the forum where you can post. Or you can talk to me too. We are all in the same boat.

You say you can’t do anything right which is definitely untrue. For the last 7 weeks you have been doing everything right and are continuing to do so by keeping weekly ECT appointments.

Keep up the good work and keep your spirits up too. You are not alone xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗👋

[Lilly99]

Hi everyone ,

Well went to hospital for ECT on Wednesday . I was crying, agitated , very depressed.

I spent 7 weeks in hospital hoping I was coming out feeling a little better but not at all. I won’t to tell my psychiatrist exactly how I feel but I am too worried about the consequences.

I feel I am a bad mum when all I can think about is myself know matter how much I try to turn my thoughts around for my family. I still hate this person I am.

Sorry I detest who I am is more accurate. How do you change how one feels about themselves when they have had so many childhood memories haunting them they can never feel comfort and any likeness about themselves just utter hate and detest .

I hope everyone is well and coping as well as they can atm.

Take care of yourselves

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I just wish I could give you the biggest hug because you have been through so much recently and are still struggling.

It takes time to heal (sometimes years) when you are dealing with trauma from the past. I found it was a bit like the grieving process which happens in stages. So don’t despair Lilly you are in stormy waters now but hopefully it will become calm again soon.

Don’t feel bad about thinking of yourself first atm as that is perfectly understandable considering what is happening in your life right now. That does not make you a bad Mum. You are working on yourself so that you can be a healthier and better Mum.

Why do you not want to tell the psychiatrist what you really feel. What consequences are you worried about?

Take care and stay safe. I think you are amazing and extraordinary so please don’t lose hope that things will get better xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🦔💝

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo, Mary, Saree and everyone.

I really hope everyone is well and taking good care of themselves as best they can .

Thank you all for your kind words and inspiration. I really don’t see myself as amazing and extraordinary far from it. I see everyone else as that.

I cant explain why I can’t Explain to my psychiatrist how I really feel and I can’t explain what consequences I am afraid of. Let’s just say what I am afraid of would happen. There is know doubt about it.

The last week has been hell there has been a lot of arguing in the house and lately I can’t seem to talk to my family without a sarcastic remark thrown in when they answer or put me down . I try so hard for my family but it’s just very difficult my emotions are so extreme. I try as much as I can to hide it and keep it from my family so I don’t impact them and try to put on a brave face and try and appear happy but the reality is I can’t find a reason to keep on keeping on. I am sick of battling .

How are you Mary after your neighbour testing positive ? I am so glad you have supportive friends. I hope you enjoyed your son’s wedding .

Jojo I wish I could give you the biggest hug because it sounds like you have been through very similar as me in your life. I wish you could find your brother.

Saree you are such a strong person . I don’t think you realise how strong you are . You are so much stronger than I will ever be.

I don’t know why I am still struggling. It’s almost like I don’t care anyway because I know whatever I try and do to get better I am going to come out the other end the same or feeling worse .

I am sorry I keep posting such depressive things. I even texted my psychiatrists assistant a depressive thing the other day . Feeling ashamed and embarrassed and wondering why I would do that it’s like I have know self dignity. Maybe that’s it I don’t .

I know that everyone has more to worry about than my ranting . I hope everyone is coping as well as they can considering the craziness that everyone is going through.

Keep well everyone and stay safe.

Lilly 💕xo

[Saree_p]

Hey Lilly,
Sorry I haven't been posting much to support you. Jojo seems to have it covered tho.

Lilly, I just wanted to say, progress is progress. The action of doing something about ur problems is progress. It may not be in the right direction or as quickly as you would like but it is progressing.

Keep it up Lilly,

Saree

[Lilly99]

Hi Saree

Please don’t be sorry you have nothing at all to be sorry about . I haven’t been supportive of you at all.

Thank you for the supportive comment about progress. I feel the same about you. You are a inspiration working and having nice comments from your boss I bet you are a hard worker . My work place has closed and put all staff off until further notice . I wasn’t going back to work yet as I stopped working around July last year because of my mental state.

Sometimes I wonder actually every day I wonder why I never seem to get any better . My psychiatrist phoned me today to see how I was going and unfortunately same old. Tomorrow I go in again for ECT and wonder if I should cancel because nothing seems to work. He did mention going over childhood traumas and a trauma at 15 years but I feel overwhelmed by the thought of it . I know nothing can fix or change the past and I need to move on. I feel so sad and I have so much happening in my personal life atm as well . I know there is more to worry about these days with the virus I can only shake my head with disappointment in myself. I feel ashamed at my behaviour and really wonder what life is all about. I have 1 son facing court I don’t know when as he doesn’t want to talk to me about it and my other son after he finishes work just wants to lock himself in his room . He is very lonely and at age 22 is desperate to meet someone but at the moment with so much going on it’s unlikely.

I have spent my whole life thinking it will get better but it never does . It’s not through a lack of trying . I just don’t know anymore. Far out it’s so hard to get through the day.

Saree I see so much strength in you I know you don’t see it but it’s there. You are amazing and a inspiration to all that read you thread. You keep on keeping on. Which is more than I want to do .

Keep fighting Saree you are going to get there quicker than you think . Your manager see’s what you can’t and so does everyone on the forum . You rock Saree keep fighting for your happiness. It’s closer than you realise I honestly can see it in you .

Thank you Saree for everything please keep putting one foot after the other and happiness for you is only a small step away.

Sorry for being so needy all the time on the forum . So embarrassing and not very dignified. I hate this person I have become. Sorry everyone for my behaviour.

Keep well and safe everyone.

Lilly

[Saree_p]

Lilly,
Please never be sorry.

It's not a simple as getting over the past, it's about finding a way to live with it. I too have to find it myself. My psychologisg and psychiatrist are pushing i need to deal with mine too, so I hear you. Its not easy Lilly. There are those here who will contest to that.

I do hope ur sons find their way. I pray that they do.

Lilly, rather than bet yourself up about how you feel and think, do you think you might be able to just accept it? There is nothing wrong with how we feel or think. It is what it is. It's a tiny step but maybe it will help.

What do you think?

Saree

[Lilly99]

Dear Saree,

Thank you for your response. But I am Sorry . I will give what you have said some thought . I am also sorry you have been through traumas as well.

Take care of yourself Saree and thank you again .

lilly