Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo, I am so sorry you have come to a dead end finding your brother. It’s not very good the police can’t help you much. I really hope you will get a break soon with some new leads. Thank you Jojo for all the help you have given me. I am sorry you have been down the same path I am going through. And here you are helping me.. You are so strong and such a kind caring, thoughtful friend.

Saree thank you for your kind post . I can’t see I have anything to offer. You on the other hand are a inspiration to all that are reading.

Mary I am so sorry you have been in hospital. And your condition sounds very serious. You are so amazing how strong you are. I hope you feel better soon. Thank you for all your advice Mary . It doesn’t fall on deaf ears. It’s just really hard atm. TDU stands for trauma and dissociation unit.

I am going into hospital tomorrow being admitted quickly because where my head is at . This will be my last ditch effort I just can’t keep on keeping on feeling this bad. It’s just been going on for to long . I have had enough day after day feeling like this. I feel panicked all day every day and just can’t stop crying and not sleeping. Sick of being so sad.

Thank you all for your help when obviously you are all dealing with your own demons and life struggles .

Lilly

[Lilly99]

Hi everyone ,

Really it’s never ending , on my way to hospital now throwing up, panic attack and a emotional wreak. I really wonder what’s the point. I am never going to be well. This is going to be my life forever .

Lilly

[Saree_p]

Lilly,
Its ok, you got this.

My psychologist basically told me to get private health cover so I can be admitted in a helpful manner. So I am prob not far behind you.
The public hospital here isnt really an option.

But the moral is, you see everyone else can do it ot has it together but you don't. Well im here to tell you you are wrong with that.
We dont.
I realised the other day I've never kept a job longer than 6-10 months, I now knpw why, but doesnt say ive got it together.

U got this Lilly, its a journey, not always good, but ull look back one day and see that this experience has made you stronger

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I am so glad they found you a bed because at this time you need as much support as possible. It is little wonder you are feeling very shaky and overwhelmed as you are dealing with deep seated emotions that are finally coming to the surface and being expressed. It can be scary and exhausting to do this and takes a phenomenal amount of courage. So it’s really good you are in a safe place while you go through this process.

I found drawing and collage helped me - even if it was only scribbles or pictures stuck on a page. The choice of colours was often very telling as I used a lot of red and black - red for anger, black for my depression. You don’t have to be an artist either it’s just another way to get feelings out.

So please stick with it and I hope and pray you find some understanding and better ways to cope.

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗😘🦔

[White_Rose]

Hello Lilly

Please do not be concerned over me, I am managing well. While I'm sure the doctor was telling the truth I also think he wanted to give a me a little shock to bring me back to reality. I appreciate his comments. You are now talking to a reformed character who will listen to her doctor and do as she is told.

My condition is only serious if I get an infection and one of the ways to avoid this is to eat properly. This is not my strong point. I don't mind cooking but need inspiration to decide on which meal to prepare and while I am doing that I start nibbling. No doubt you can guess the rest. We all have our frailties.

Sometimes I feel quite strong while at other times all I want to do is cry. In some ways I am a bit like you, knowing what I need to do, wanting to become well again but finding excuses not to do it. Whoops, no intention to be rude. I feel we all have the best intentions but fall down on the application. So frustrating. I have worked out (clever me) that if I do a little part of my intentions every day as far as possible I will be able to manage better. The theory is that these small actions will combine to be the whole action.

For example, decide on what to eat for tea in the morning and prepare or take frozen stuff out of the freezer. You know the stuff. It cuts down my procrastination and gives me a yes/no answer to what I want to eat. Usually it's yes because I have organised myself early. Perhaps you can adapt this routine to suit your circumstances?

I know it's hard being given advice and there are times when I just get annoyed at what I feel is unwanted advice. I know it is given in love and quite often it's good advice. I think it's just my stubbornness that does not let me change my ways immediately. But it's also my stubbornness that makes me carry on when all I want is to stop and go to sleep. That's because it does become overwhelming and I need to step away for a short time to get myself together again. Going to sleep has always been my way to opt out of a conversation or decision if it's too hard.

My son gets married next weekend and I am so looking forward to the wedding. My other son will join us and my daughters. The family will be together for a few days and that's great. I do love these times.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Hi Mary , Jojo and Saree

Well not much to report been in hospital for 5 weeks and still in hospital next week having ECT which doesn’t seem to be working very well . I have spent 3 weeks in TDU which I doesn’t get much out of and moved to a different ward sharing with someone else. I am sorry to hear of all your troubles saree, Mary and Jojo . They say life is full of up’s and downs .

I just cant anymore I should want to keep going but just don’t have the willpower or energy anymore . I am sick of living this life and feeling so sad .

I hope you find your brother Jojo . Saree I hope you start to feel better soon and Mary make sure you get your meal organised early everyday .

Take care of yourself’s and thank you for all your help .

Lilly

[White_Rose]

Hello Lilly

I have neglected you for a while. So sorry. Going through a rough patch but coming out the other side I believe.

I keep meaning to ask, how did your son get on in court? Only let us know if you are comfortable. I am hoping you have one less worry in your life.

You sound very down and that's on awful place to be. I am sad you are still in hospital. It can seem like a never ending journey when medication and other treatment do not work for you. I kept having recurring periods of depression for a long time. Well I'm not sure if it just lasted a long time with reduced depression at various time, or if in fact it was a continuous condition. In any event I believed it would never go away which of course adds to the depression.

You can get through it no matter hard the journey. When treatment seems ineffective it is so discouraging. Have you spoken to your psychiatrist about this. We cannot always see the improvement we have made until someone points it out. Even then it can be hard to accept because we are so wrapped up in the rest of the depression.

I know you are sick of being unwell and just want to get better. When nothing seems to work it's hard to continue to put one foot after another. Asking what's the point to keep on trying because it will never go away is something I think we have all done. I found it helpful to look at what I wanted to be. This was my coping mechanism and does not necessarily work for others. Can you work out what helps you? Even if it is just a small thing. These are the moments when we start to believe we can get well again.

I am just about to start my third treatment eight months after the first and four months after the second treatment. One year so far. Both stopped working. Just the thought of changing is exhausting. However I know I will get through it because I have succeeded before. Please try to remember when you succeed in feeling better, even for a short while. It can give hope and that is what we need.

Lilly, you are trying so hard I know. I'm sure it must feel as though someone has thrown away the key. It's still there but the strength to open the door needs more work. Much like exercising your muscles to get strong again. Hurts at the start but the realisation of your increased fitness is wonderful. Do those things that give you pleasure or used to give you pleasure. It does come back.

Mary

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

It is so good to hear from you as you have been in my thoughts. I am sorry to hear that the treatment doesn’t seem to be working. Have you ever tried art therapy to express yourself? You don’t need to be good at art just willing to put pen or paint to paper. I found it very therapeutic.

Another thing you might like to try is poetry. My best friend was recently in the psych ward and out of the blue she started writing poetry which really helped her. Or you could try speed writing. This is where you just start writing very fast whatever is in your head without trying to make sense of it. I found this a very interesting and fun activity.

Don’t give up Lilly. Many people are willing you on and are right behind you. There is a saying that goes something like this: If we never had winter we would not appreciate the spring. You are going through winter and I hope and pray some day soon you will find yourself in spring 🌿

Wishing you well. Take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗💐

[Saree_p]

hi Lily,
You can do this. You may not see it so you have to tryst others. You can do this

Saree

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo, mary and saree

Well I spent 7 weeks in hospital and arrived home yesterday. Had ECT’s, feel a little better but still emotional . My psychiatrist wants me to attend the hospital every Wednesday as a day patient for ECT treatment as he feels I will deteriorate quite quickly and he is right . I don’t know why I even bother trying anymore .

How is everyone I hope you are all well. It’s pretty scary having to think about the virus and the impact it’s having on the population and the world in general.

Lots of love and hugs to you all. 💕 Lilly xo