Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

Going yo hospital and talking about past trauma has brought up memories I never thought of would relive and think about. I am not handing it at all. Do people ever truly get better?

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Thank you for your kind words. You are not a nobody! You are a unique and special woman and, as I have mentioned before, you are an inspiration to me.

I won’t lie to you it is really tiring and painful to do trauma work, but it is truly worth all the anxiety, tears and fears. With time I slowly began to heal and trust people again especially men. I found the more I talked the easier it became as I finally realised what happened to me was not my fault. I replaced my self loathing with self respect.

I believe with time and the support you now have you too will recover and manage to cope with life again. You are smart and a quick learner so there is no reason you can’t have a bright and happy future and more importantly some peace of mind.

I am right with you through this stressful time and have every confidence you will come out the other end stronger and wiser xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗👋

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo, Mary, Saree and everyone .

I am so sorry Saree to hear about your struggles and I wish I could be of some help but I am not in a good place emotionally atm. All I can say is you have come this far and you can beat this heartache you are living. Please go to hospital I did get help there which you can aswell . Its just my struggle is consuming me as I am reliving the past. Seek help Saree don’t let it win .

Jojo I really don’t know what to say but my past is winning . I have been able to survive this long by not facing my past . When I had ECT I was unaware of confiding in my psychiatrist about my past and when he made me aware I just couldn’t believe I had told him every detail. . He has suggested TDU however it scares me so much because over my life I have been able to hide the past and keep going somehow . But now my past has been brought to the surface I am reliving the nightmare with constant flashbacks and I can’t get to sleep and when I do it’s a night of nightmares. I see myself as a failure as a mum, and as a person. It’s almost like I am someone else looking in at someone else’s life. I hate myself my mind is never at peace . I feel totally consumed by my past it’s totally distroyed who I am , or who I thought I was. I can’t calm down my anxiety and depression is through the roof. I just need my mind to be at piece. I feel so panicked

Going back to hospital to face my demons totally terrifies me. I can’t do it . That part of my life needs to be put to rest forever. I can’t keep on reliving it. I won’t . I have failed as a person. I don’t deserve respect, good wishes or even happiness. I have plodded along day after day , week after week, and it never gets any better and never will. I believe it’s possible for others however it’s just not for me .

Last night I ran over a beautiful Little animal , I tried to avoid it in my car but hit it and killed it. I just can’t handle the knocks. People say things will get better but when . They never do EVER. I believe for some people like Saree and others on the forum it will happen . But it’s just not possible for me. I keep hoping, believing, wishing, trying but it’s distroying every part of me.

Thank you for being here for me Jojo,Mary, Saree and everyone that has posted in my thread.

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Despite what you think you deserve, I just want you to know you have my utmost respect and I believe you do definitely deserve good wishes and happiness. What you are doing and going through is one of the hardest things a person can ever endure. It takes incredible courage and tenacity- both qualities that I see in you.

Have you spoken to the TDU nurse about your fears and dreadful flashbacks? You are at a very vulnerable stage of your treatment so make sure you have proper support. You have sustained a considerable amount of trauma in your life, therefore, it can often be a slow process before things improve.

My heart goes out to you Lilly as this work is exhausting and it often seems like you are not getting anywhere. It can even feel worse before it feels better. However, I believe sharing your history is healthy and is a huge step towards recovery as now you don’t have to carry your burden all by yourself.

You are a terrific Mum and a good person who has been dealt a terrible hand of cards in life, but you are doing something about it. You don’t have to stay this way.

I realise how difficult and overwhelming things are for you right now, but please try and work with the TDU team slowly, slowly at your own pace.

You are an amazing person and I wish I could give you a great big hug in person. You certainly deserve it.

Stay safe and strong xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗💝🦔

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

Thats the thing I don’t have courage. I haven’t spoken to the TDU nurse about my flashbacks and now nightmares because I was sent home from the hospital and my psychiatrist because they don’t have a bed yet for me. Not for at least 2-3wks. So I am just at home reliving and doubting everything and getting more hopeless about ever getting better. I feel worse than I ever have Jojo. Honestly things just feel so extremely pointless like what is the point if I am going to get so much worse.

I have to wait for the phone call from the hospital and by then I reckon I would have talked myself out of going back. Because I have never talked about my past before now, I have seemed to have kept the emotions about it buried . Now that I have talked about it, everyday is a living nightmare like it’s all happening again .

Sorry it’s just really hard to face . I can’t face it. It’s like I won’t make it through this time . I don’t know how I will open up. It just dosen’t feel safe opening up about my past . It’s like having my guard down and being very vulnerable which leaves me open to being hurt all over again.

My psychiatrist has no idea what’s happening to me since coming home. I wonder if he cares because surely he would no how hard this all is for me. And what I must be going through.

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

While you are waiting for a bed try and get yourself some support even if it is only through phone contact. Let the psychiatrist know how you are feeling as he may not realise to what degree you are suffering. Considering the treatment you are having I am sure he would be willing to talk to you on the phone. Or could you ring the TDU team and talk to them for support?

You sound really fragile, which is understandable, and why you need proper support. Please contact the hospital and explain how you are feeling so that hopefully they can arrange some sort of counselling. Would it be worth talking to your GP or is that too difficult?

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this hellish time. Take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗👋💝

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

How are you going trying to find your brother? Thank you so much Jojo for being here for me . Please don’t feel you have too though I must be so tiring.

I sent a text to my psychiatrist assistant who comes into the room with me to see the psychiatrist about the state of mind I am in over a week ago and there hasn’t been any response from her my psychiatrist or the hospital. I think I gave been put in the the too hard basket. I also contacted TDU and they are having a meeting next Thursday where they will discuss admission.

I went to see my psychologist who needed a new mental health referral from my doctor . She has me in her cancellation list as she is booked out until March .

I also have seen my doctor for that referral . I was such a mess . Hyper ventilating , , hand wringing , shaking , and my legs were trembling and I couldn’t sit still. My doctor is booked out until March also but has me on a cancellation list. My doctor seemed surprised that she hadn’t been contacted by the hospital and made aware that I was at home . But she I think was contacted by my psychiatrist while I was in hospital about my past but thankfully didn’t ask me anything . But said it would need to get worse before it gets better . Worse? How easily that just rolls off my doctors tongue.

I just don’t know Jojo this time around it’s so bad and upsetting because it’s not just about the agitated depression and anxiety it’s so much more.

It was always hard enough with all my emotions but now there are added flashbacks and nightmares that have escalated due to my blabbing .

Far out I just can’t handle it. It’s like I am having a panic attack everyday having to relive everything.

Honestly it really did need to stay buried where it belongs . No one can change my past or my future.

You are such a special person Jojo.

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Thanks for asking about my brother. I haven’t managed to find him and have come to a dead end of where to look. The police didn’t help much as he is not a missing person.

I am always happy to catch up with you and I am always here for you Lilly no matter what.

I don’t understand why you have been discharged without any support. That makes me really angry. I would send another text to the psychiatric assistant telling her you are not coping and having terrible flashbacks.

It is difficult having disclosed personal details about what happened to you in the past, but over time it does get easier. I went through feelings of embarrassment to feelings of sadness to feelings of anxiety and at times feelings of anger at having my innocence violated. It is a gradual process and takes time to work through and untangle your emotions.

I wish you well and hope you get a positive response from the hospital very soon. So hang in there and stay strong.

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗👋🦔

[Saree_p]

Hi Lilly,

Thanks for your kind words, sorry I haven't been about much.

You are thoughtful and kind, you have so much to offer.

Hope you can be ok ☺

[White_Rose]

Hello Lilly

I must again apologise for not posting to you. Had another stint in hospital because I had a fever. Sounds quite trivial I think. Just take a panadol and go to bed. Did that one night and was fine in the morning. However the doctor brought me down to earth by saying if I had not gone to hospital for my previous stay I would not be here. Whoops!

What does TDU stand for? Not sure I have come across these initials before.

Have you made plans for the three weeks you will be at home? It's always good to have some plans as otherwise you will find yourself with nothing to do except worrying over how you feel and what you are going to do next. It's good to shortcut these thoughts which is better done by doing something as active as possible. Take the dog for a walk.Paint a picture or draw. I think you would be good at that.

I have a friend who has several times gone to hospital to work through her life for three weeks. I know it can be difficult and upsetting and of course that's why we need to do it.Trying to push these uncomfortable thoughts and memories down is counter productive as they frequently resurface. Learning about these happenings can be an enormous help as you get to know exactly what happened, why it happened and what you can take from this. It's not an exercise in self blame or to keep the memories alive. Clearly they are still with you.

Have you ever wondered why we can forget the pleasant parts of our lives unless we make an effort to remember. And it is an effort. All the crappy stuff jumps centre stage without so much as a by your leave. This is because it has caused you so much pain and continues to do so. It will continue to do so if you do not take a look, spread it out to inspect and look at loopholes where you can send the rubbish. It will be hard and your psych will take it slowly. You can always ask to stop for the time being if you find yourself getting overwhelmed. This is then a topic to return to in future sessions and I know it will get easier each time. Please try. It really is worthwhile to understand your past. A bit like childbirth. None of like the labour part and just want the baby to be born so we can get to the good bits. However, by focussing on the pain and doing the breathing exercises we get through it more easily. Same with memories.

I suggest you discuss the your psych how these sessions will be run. Ask if you can stop if it all gets too painful. Get a clear idea of what will happen.

Mary