Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[White_Rose]

Hello Lilly

Great to hear from you and such a positive post. I was so pleased your mom is regaining her health. A long journey I imagine but one she seems very determined to make.

I was so impressed with the words you sent to Saree. Like Jojo I am so proud of the progress you have made and it shows so clearly in your words to Saree. Keep up the good work. We all know it's not easy and there are days we want to give up, perhaps have a temper tantrum (it's been known), and generally spit the dummy. It may seem on those days you are moving backwards but I believe in fact it shows how you are moving on. You would not have the energy to protest if you were still in the same place and you would most certainly not notice that today was yucky in contrast to the days were good.

So pat yourself on the back for all your hard work, strength and determination. I am proud that you are doing so well.

If you can please keep in touch but there is never a need to write in when you are not the best.

Thank you for your kind words to me. Much appreciated. No need to apologise for not writing, just do the best you can. What a nuisance all your specialists were away together. It makes life hard when we feel deserted for even a short time. I hope you now have your people back around you.

I send my best wishes for a very good New Year with lots of successes lined up ahead.

Mary

[Saree_p]

Thanks Lilly,

Jojo has been a great support, and your words meant I needed the help (confirmation).

I'm so proud of you.

I'm feeling better now, hopefully it lasts.

Like Mary and Jojo, I wish u a great year. Now we are getting help, it can only be upwards right?

Good luck xxx

[Lilly99]

Dear saree,Mary and Jojo

Thank you all for your lovely comments. But I honestly feel i don’t deserve them. I am finding it really tough. I have been in the hospital since Tuesday and feel more hopeless about my situation than ever. I am having more ECT however I feel more depressed than ever. I honestly feel this is going to be my life. A life of utter sadness and despair. It’s so easy to give other people advice but truly feel nothing will work for me.

I am so sorry to disappoint you all. But it is what it is.

Sorry lilly

[White_Rose]

Hello Lilly

Everyone deserves lovely words and encouragement. That's why we are members of the human race, because we care for each other and want the best for each other. Yes we struggle, that's life.

How is your mom going? I hope she is getting well again. I take it she has returned home. How do you feel about this? How did it all go in court with your son? You have not mentioned him lately and I wonder about the outcome. Hope it is a positive result.

I was unwell last week. The problem with my illness is that it affects my immune system and I get infections more easily. Such a nuisance. However I am well again now. Having lunch with a friend after I go to my exercise class. I'm not good at regular exercise, too much like hard work but I know I need it. Joining a class makes me more likely to exercise so I go to two classes a week.

Have you thought of anything like this? There is a huge relationship between exercise and depression. My GP was always urging me to exercise more and when I joined a group I found I felt so much better after a few sessions. Still not keen but I push myself to go because I now know and feel the benefits. Have a look around for a group. No need to discuss your private life just join the activities. One advantage is I think that exercise seems removed from depression and gives a different perspective to the world.

Focussing on different aspects of your life helps to keep your thoughts more manageable. Hence my suggestion about about exercise.

Mary

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Of course you deserve praise. You are doing amazing. Not so long ago you were terrified of hospital and now you are managing that really well.

I know it is tough too, but you are in the right place and doing everything you can to get better. Give it time Lilly and hopefully life will turn around.

We are all behind you and wishing you well xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗💐

[Lilly99]

Dear Mary, Jojo and Saree ,

Well I am still in hospital having ECT for the last time tomorrow. I saw the psychiatrist today who wants me to talk to someone in TDU in the hospital . I have things from my past that I think about a lot . I didn’t realise I spoke to my psychiatrist about it because I can’t remember talking to him after ECT as I forgot everything I have said. It concerns me him knowing as I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. It’s really embarrassing. It has consumed my life and I can’t talk about it or even move on and get over it. I am not sure how much longer I will be here . I am trying but talking about it makes me really emotional and anxious . I really don’t know what to do. I have had so many things happen in my life it’s just never ending . I start to think things are changing for the better then something happens to make me think things will never get better.

Thank you all for your caring positive comments I really appreciate everything you have all said. I just think I have already given up on my life ever changing for the better.

Sorry for everything

lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Hello and good to hear from you. You have obviously been working very hard on yourself to get better which is great. That’s why it is perfectly understandable that you are feeling emotional and anxious. Talking about the past is a painful process and it takes time to recover and heal.

You are very brave and strong. I am glad you have been able to share with your psychiatrist even if at times it feels very uncomfortable. This means you can now receive treatment and support tailored to your particular needs such as attending TDU.

I know at times you feel life is never going to improve or get better. However, I disagree as you have so much potential and good qualities as a person. It will take time, but you will get there. Your emotions are probably still pretty raw which is to be expected so hang in there and keep up the good work xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🐨🦔

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo, Mary and saree,

I have returned from hospital today after speaking to a nurse in TDU.

I am going to be home for 3 weeks then the hospital will give me a call to return and attend TDU. I spoke to my psychiatrist today who reckons I would benefit from 3 weeks in hospital attending a 3 week course going over my past experiences however it makes me extremely anxious wondering how I would cope reliving past experiences and trauma. I don’t know it’s all pretty painful and disturbing.

Sometimes I think I would just rather not be around. I hate myself and my life.

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Good to hear from you. You have done really well coping with hospital and seeing a psychiatrist. Those are huge steps forward.

I can understand your anxiety about doing the TDU course, however, because it is in hospital you will be well supported. Try and go at your own pace so it is not so overwhelming.

I will be thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts. You are an amazing and worthwhile person- don’t ever forget that.

The things that you have endured in life have made you have a negative self image, but that is not who you are. Once you begin to heal and believe in yourself you will learn to like and love the awesome person you truly are xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗😘🦔

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

Thank you for the lovely words. But I honestley think I am a nobody. I think your all those things Jojo . You are a amazing person. You deserve all the wonderful things in life. I hope you find your brother. I think you are a awesome person Jojo I hope you never forget it. I can’t see me ever liking who I am.

Lilly