Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Lilly99]

Hi Mary,

I am sorry to hear you have such troubles. It Makes me sad to think you are coping with so much.

I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you and you can live a worry free life someday.

I have made a appointment for a cbt and dbt class every Tuesday and I see the psychiatrist on my lunch break . I don’t know I was hoping to come home feeling better but only feel more hopeless . My anxiety has improved with the treatment but my depression seems to have taken hold. It’s crazy really I am stewing over childhood trauma which I can’t change but has consumed me. Crazy really it just feels never ending. Sick of every day. My work wants me back,my mum is coming over for 4 weeks , my son still has to go to court. It all just feels overwhelming. And all I want is to give up and stop this never ending consuming nightmare.

I am sure the cross stitch for your friend is lovely .

Take care of yourself Mary

lilly

[White_Rose]

The world seems to take great delight in throwing 'stuff' at us. Baby steps, one at a time. These things have end dates such as your son's court appearance. It's a compliment to you that your employer wants you back. Is your mom's visit a good thing? I wish I could see my mom again but she died 20 years ago.

Childhood traumas, or for that matter any traumas, are difficult to live with. We can say, as you have done, I cannot change them, they are in the past. And it's true. We can only accept they have happened and perhaps try to find some meaning in them. Plus we can see what effect they have had on us and how and why we feel as we do. Sometimes this is a great step forward as we realise it was not our fault and this is why we act or react in the way we do to various situations. That is a worthwhile learning. I think the power of these traumas will lessen when you get a better understanding. Run it past your new psych.

Must cook some tea for myself. I get told off for not eating properly and losing weight. Last time I told the haematologist he immediately told me to put it back on. First time a doctor has told me to put on weight. Must be the end of the world.

One more comment. I find I cannot be serious all the time. Sometimes a word or action tickles my funny bone and I do write from this perspective. Laughing is a gift. Look for the humour in life even when you feel down. It helps.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Hi everyone ,

I lasted 1 week at home and had a breakdown. Back in hospital for more ECT. I feel like I will never be well. Feeling like I have lost any hope I thought I had left . Just don’t know anymore . Really struggling and having bad thoughts.. Agitation through the roof and depression , anxiety. Do people ever truly get better ? I feel like this is a vicious cycle I am never going to be free of .

Lilly

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

I am so sorry you are still having a bad time. I was not around much on the forum yesterday and did not see your post. Also very sorry about that.

I can imagine how devastated you feel thinking your life was getting better and then needing to go back to hospital. Depression etc can feel as though it will never end and we will never be well again. I know it sometimes comes back to bite me but never with the same intensity I felt originally. Also I have learned how to deal with it once I recognise what is happening. There is hope you will get through this dreadful time.

Rather than thinking about the end result may I suggest you concentrate on the here and now. I think it was constantly looking at what I saw was bleak future where nothing would ever get better that caused my suicide attempts. I was one sick cookie. And I ended up in hospital twice. Not at all nice.

I would hate to think that at some point you would take the same road as me. I know you have talked about it but feel you owe it to your sons to stay. Good for you. I was so far down that road that my family and friend did not exist for me. I knew they were there but I could not 'see' them. I did get through it and I am telling you about my experiences to give you hope. No matter how hard it is you can get through this.

You are in a safe place and receiving treatment to help you manage. How did this go last time? Did you feel any better? I know my psychiatrist was edging towards that for me which made realise how unwell I was. Scary stuff. Do you mind if I pray for you? I know some folk think it rubbish but I believe it helps. However please let me know.

Chin up Lilly. It will get better I promise.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Dear Mary,

I am so sorry to hear you had such a tough time . Depression and anxiety is so hard to beat, you think you are coming right then it bites you.

Last time I was in hospital I spent a total of 3 months and always had hope , but when i left this time I crashed within a couple of days it’s so so soul distroying I lasted only 2 days before bad thoughts started to consume me.

This time I am staying for another 3 weeks and much more hopeless about my situation . I am trying to stay positive however so emotionally unwell.

I would appreciate a prayer Thank you so much.

Honestly I just don’t know anymore I don’t know what’s going to happen when I am feeling this low.

Thank you Mary for everything.

lilly

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

I am so sorry you are so disappointed with your swift return to hospital. It does seem a bit unfair I know. At the risk of sounding like a cliché it is when we reach rock bottom that we can rebuild and climb up. I know that's a bit trite but I do believe this is the case. It is a long climb as I found and we need support to get back. I know you do not have many support people around with the exception of this forum and I am wondering how you can increase this.

Perhaps your psych can put you in touch with a support group near you. I know it will mean meeting new people and can be a bit of a drag to get yourself to the meetings sometimes, but it's also good to meet those who have been or perhaps still are in the same place as you. It is a comfort to talk with others who you know will understand you because of their experiences.

It did take me a quite a long while to get well again and I would not wish that on anyone. However, if you find yourself there then grab as much help and support as you can. I was hoping you could return to work as that is one one the most helpful things I found. I could not get in some mornings but it was always my goal to get up and go to work. My colleagues were terrific.

As I said above, I believe letting go as much as possible of thinking about the distant future and concentrating on what is happening today and managing that is something I found helpful. Where am I today instead of where will I be next week can help. The way we feel today is what we project into the future and makes us so despairing. In reality we do not know what will happen next week or how we will feel. So imagining ourselves in the future will be tainted by how we feel now. Does that make sense?

This is about Mindfulness so if you can find a book or find it on the web I think you will find it very helpful.

Mary

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Sorry I have not been there for you lately. I had to take some time out as I was not sleeping and have been extremely worried about my brother who I recently found out is homeless. I have been trying to track him down, but he is not in my area. I have a few leads now which I plan to follow up with. I am really worried about his state of mind and welfare.

It’s not uncommon to come home from hospital and crash so don’t be too hard on yourself. It has happened to me and I cried my eyes out as I wanted so much to feel well. However, when I went home the second time I was much better and able to cope again.

I am so sorry you are still having a hard time and feel as though you will never become well. I hope the ECT makes a difference to you and you start to see a glimmer of hope ahead.

I am glad you are in a safe place rather than struggling on all by yourself at home. Even though I haven’t been posting I do pray for you and Saree every day to strengthen and comfort you and help you cope with everything life throws at you.

Take one day at a time and try your best to stay positive and challenge your negative thinking.

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🕯🤗

[White_Rose]

Dear Jojo

Sad news about your brother. I do hope you will find him soon. I can appreciate how worrying this must be and how distressed you are.

I pray you will find him soon and be able to take him home and care for him. As I have said to Lilly, knowing someone cares gives much comfort. My best wishes for you both and the hope you will find him soon.

Mary

[Jojo100]

Dear Mary

Thank you so much for your support, kind thoughts and prayers. I really do appreciate it. Tomorrow I am taking the train into the city to try and find my brother as I have a few leads. It might go nowhere, but I have to try.

Best wishes and God Bless xx

Jojo

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I hope being in hospital is helping and you are improving and starting to feel a bit better.

I think mindfulness is a good thing to focus on and distract you from all the bad thoughts you have been having though I realise it is not always easy to do.

I also hope the ECT is starting to make a positive difference. Personally I think you are doing amazing so hang in there and as always you are in my prayers xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🕯🤗