Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

You do not need to say you are letting us down. It is you who has the hard time and unfortunately we cannot change that. We will stand on the sidelines and cheer at every step forward you take. Even the tone of your posts has changed, just in case you had not noticed. OK you are comfortable with us now so it's easier. Please get this comfortable with your psychologist and let your metaphorical hair down.

Trust is built over time so give the psych some time. Phoning and texting you is fantastic which shows she is a caring person who wants to help you get well. Stick with this one.

This is a brief post as I must go for a blood test for when I see the doctor on Thursday. Hopefully he will be happy with the results. This is also the day when I have my treatment. The good part is that I get served coffee and m/tea. There has to be an incentive somewhere. So I sit and read or work on some crosswords. I could almost fall asleep but what if I snore? What an embarrassing thought.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Hi Mary ,

I am so sorry you have to have these treatments . I really hope they find a cure for you one day. You are so strong and such a fighter and a very caring compassionate lady . I can’t only imagine how these treatments make you feel . So I completely understand if you don’t post . Thank you for all your support Mary . I wish I could come to your treatments and keep you company . Although I would probably be a downer . I am sure they wouldn’t mind if you started snoring . Thinking of you Mary.

I feel ashamed that here you are fighting this battle for your life . And here I am well I can’t say on the forum .

I know everyone here is cheering me on . But all I want to do is give up . To stop this emotional pain . I just can’t open up . And I can’t feel like this everyday . Sorry it’s just where my head is taking me .

I have heard and appreciate everything you have said Mary . Thank you again for all your help and kindness.

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Hope you managed to get through the weekend and have calmed down a bit.Did you contact the psychologist today? If so I hope that was helpful for you.

I finally did some gardening today as it was beautiful weather(27 degrees). I need to get help with some pruning as I have a shrub which has grown as high as the roof. Just another thing on my ‘to do’ list!

Have you managed to get any help with the weeds in your garden? It’s nice to have somewhere outside the house to sit and watch the local birds or wildlife.

Stand firm and strong Lilly and take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🕯🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Just checking in to see how you are. Has the psychologist been in touch with you again?

When does your son go to court? It must be really hard wondering what’s going to happen to him.

Keep busy and keep distracting yourself, and don’t forget to breathe!

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🕯🤗

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

I hadn’t heard from the psychologist this week until today she had a cancellation so I went . I feel so much worse after a session . I think it’s because I can’t engage . I really don’t know.

I don’t know Jojo I really don’t think I am worth the effort . I just hate myself that much. I see myself as such a waste of space .

My son’s court appearance is in 5 weeks. I really don’t even know how I can even do that . I can’t watch him go to jail. And if it has to go to a higher court I have to wait longer for a outcome wondering what’s going to happen . I am having a lot of trouble with him it’s tipping me over the edge . I had a huge fight with him yesterday and he hasn’t come home . My other son’s health is worse as well so I am trying to juggle them both . I can’t even help myself and I am trying to help them. Sorry feeling completely hopeless and emotional about my life.

I am trying so much to stay strong but the continuous stress in my home life is just to much . It’s hard to concentrate on myself. The panic , anxiety and everything is so overwhelming . I just don’t know if everything is worth fighting for . Am I worth fighting for.

Thank you Jojo for being here for me. I hope you are well dear friend .

lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

You are most definitely worth fighting for Lilly. Don’t ever forget that or think otherwise.

I know what you mean about sometimes feeling worse after a session with the psychologist. That has happened to me at the beginning when I couldn’t speak. I would come home in tears, but once I started writing down what I would have liked to say and taking it to the next session it became much easier.

I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time with your sons. It must be such a worry. All you can do is hang in there and hope he doesn’t go to prison and be there for him when he needs support. Can you get character witness statements for him as that might help?

However, remember to take care of yourself too as much as possible so that you can be there for him in court.

Thoughts and prayers are with you dear friend xox

With love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🕯🤗

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Hope things have settled down a bit for you and your family. How has your week been?

I got a new toy and bone-shaped doggie treats for Poppy’s birthday. She loves it because there’s a squeaker in it. Will see how long it takes her to get it out!

What’s the weather like where you are? If nice why not try and get out for a walk on the weekend get some fresh air. Are you near the beach? I’m close to the beach and to an estuary which is really nice. I always feel better close to water as I find it very calming.

Thinking of you dear friend xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯

[White_Rose]

Hello Lilly and a wave to Jojo and Saree

I remember when I first became depressed in 2000. It was the most dreadful thing that had ever happened to me. I had no idea what was going on and definitely no idea what to do about it. So like many others I pretended all was well with me. That is until the day a small incident at work had me falling apart. Totally out of proportion to what had happened. The whole office went quiet as I sat at my desk and sobbed. I was too far gone in my misery to be embarrassed or anything like that. Fortunately a colleague took me out of the room to somewhere private.

She took me to a local GP, came into the doctor's room with me and supplemented my story when I got lost. The GP immediately referred me to a psychiatrist. I had to see the psych twice a week for some time and he used to get a bit annoyed because it took me about half the session to start talking about anything. Then I was scared to leave his room which was yet another problem. I sometimes wonder how I survived that time.

I didn't want to talk to him but neither did I want to leave because it seemed like the only safe place I had. Yes I was upset afterwards just like you and it took me several days to get back on an even keel, just in time to go to my next appointment. Those were dark and grim days which I hope never to repeat.

I had split up from my husband a year earlier and I'm told it was usual to have about a year's honeymoon time on my own before before the reality of being alone hit me. That's when the depression took over. I don't know that I am a strong person though I know I am stubborn so perhaps that's what got me through the whole horrible experience. It took a long time. I don't want to depress you even more by saying that and neither do I want to pretend it was easy to get through. It took all my strength to get out of bed and go to work. I did it because the thought of being on my own all day was just too scary.

And I got well again. There are days when I feel miserable and sorry for myself and I have a number of activities to help me through these days. I had a list on the fridge door so I didn't need to think of something to do, just read the list and do one of the options. Music is important to me and I listen to the radio most days or play CDs. I like to sing and as I am alone my singing does not frighten anyone. I suggest you try this. There is an enormous power for good in music because it speaks to our innermost being. Out of word space.

Mary

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Just popping in to say hi. Have you got any plans for this weekend?

I am going to a show tomorrow night to see Japanese Taiko drumming which should be interesting.

Has been described as a visually spectacular, high energy and explosive show.

So will let you know how it goes. It’s good to do something different.

How do you feel about your last psychology session now? Hopefully a bit better.

I found my sessions always stirred my emotions up for a few days, but I think that is fairly normal and understandable.

Take care Lilly you are worth the effort don’t ever forget that xox

With lots of love and hugs YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo and Mary,

Thank you for your posts.

Jojo- I hope you loved the drumming. Thank you for being here for me you are such a special lady . Still feeling pretty emotional about the last session with the psychologist and atm not sure I could see her again . I go and then walk out to face another day feeling exactly the same or even worse . I know it takes time but I just don’t have the strength for time . I just think I have to much to fix that can’t be fixed . Maybe I was never meant to have a life of happiness and calm .

Mary- I will try singing and your suggestion of a list on my fridge. I am sorry to hear about all your struggles . You are strong as well as stubborn . I hope you are feeling better.

I am sorry I haven’t been replying to your posts . I have a flu so have spent the last few days in bed . Things have gotten completely out of control with my family I just don’t know what to do anymore . It’s so hopeless . There is so much that can’t be fixed know matter how much I try . I am trying to say I am doing the best I can but that’s just not enough .Or even good enough . I only see my failure . I am a failure . I feel so hopeless. I can’t see the future changing . It’s just not possible . Nothing is possible anymore , There is only heartbreak . I have had enough of feeling so sad and living this life of endless emotional turmoil. It’s all so upsetting I can’t even talk about it .And feeling guarded anyway .

I am so sorry for everything and for all the trouble I have caused .

Thank you so much dear friends for all you help and kindness .

Lilly