Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[White_Rose]

Hello Lilly

Sorry to neglect you. Unfortunately I had the 'flu all week and have not been able to post at all. Managing a couple of posts now but my energy is a bit low. It can be exhausting.

You are right in saying you cannot change the past. What has taken place cannot be changed and this is where we have our greatest difficulties. We tell ourselves, "What if I done this......... I should have said that......." There is no way of knowing if we had done something differently whether it would have been better or worse. What therapy does for us is to enable us to look at these distressing events. to understand what they have meant in our lives.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and causes us so much pain. You do what you think best at the time. Maybe there was a better way but you did not know this at the time. Beating ourselves up over these matters leads to anger and despair and lots of self recriminations. Try to remember you did the best you could and knew how at the time. I feel you believe you are being judged by others including your son and psychologist. You are carrying a heavy burden and refusing to let go. It's not selfish to want to be well and happy. Your family benefit more by having a mom who is well than a mom who can only feel guilty.

The role of the therapist is to help you understand the past with all the ramifications it entails. I know it sounds pointless and is exactly what I told the psychiatrist I used to see. "What's the point? I cannot change anything." Yes you can change something. You can have a good look at the past and see what happened. By this I mean the whys and how things came about. Then you can continue the work of healing and planning for the future. Explore options with the psych because it's a safe environment.

I recommend you return to your psych and try again. It is always hard to do those necessary things we dislike. Closing our eyes and hoping will only prolong your pain and affect your family. Be strong for your children and get well.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Dear Mary,

I am sorry to hear you have the flu. It can be very exhausting and takes a while to get over . Please don’t feel you have to respond to my posts.

I know you are trying to make me see logic . But things just don’t seem that way to me . What I see isn’t what depression is telling me. I feel it’s the truth . I know it the truth.

I know my family don’t care what happens to me . I know they don’t love me . I know I deserve where my emotions take me. I feel like I have nothing left to keep fighting for. I feel I am part of my family’s problem’s not part of a solution .

Knowing all this how to I consider to keep on keeping on. How do I see a different future. All I see is a future of suffering .

Hope you feel better soon

lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I hope your son has returned by now. However, ultimately he has to take responsibility for his actions. He will have to face up to whatever it is that he has done. He can’t outrun the courts.

This must be a real worry for you, but it’s not your fault. You have done your utmost to help him and protect him, however, if he is not listening there is not a lot you can do about it.

Seeing the psychologist won’t change anything quickly, but it is a place where you will get support and where you can get things off your chest.

Take good care of yourself Lilly xox

My thoughts & prayers are with you and your family

With love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯🦔

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I hope you are going a bit better and you have managed to contact your son by now.

Try not to beat yourself up as he is probably just scared and is trying to run away from his problems rather than face them.

Look after yourself too Lilly so that you can be there for your son when he goes to court. He will definitely need your support then even if he doesn’t realise it now.

Stay strong & my thoughts are with you xox

With love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯🦔

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

Sorry things aren’t good atm. I am trying to stay strong. But it’s really hard . I will post again soon..

Thank you for being here for me dear friend.

Lilly

[Saree_p]

Lilly,
Its wonderful to hear from you!!

Please feel free to off load if you need.

It all sucks right now hey?

It's like a tango with the side of darkness that is never ending hey?

That boat is appealing dear friend,
Saree

[Lilly99]

Dear Saree,

Hope you are doing ok. I think of you often dear friend .

Yes it is a tango and it sucks.

It’s hard to unload . Very guarded and emotional about what’s happening and how I am feeling .

I looked up the website. Thank you Saree.

I might source nitro rocket boosting fuel for the boat to get where we are going faster. I wonder if I could google it .

Thank you saree for all your help.

Lilly

[Saree_p]

Always dearest Lilly!

And ditto - hope you know what it means 😂

Hope it helps somewhat. Doesn't solve anything, but I've always found it easier with information.

Ah me, forget about lol, I just the official confirmation that I am difficult and extreme, via means of I'm not sure what to do but please contact me immediately if you deteriorate 😂🤣 guess you know the feeling.

How's work?
Hows the pup? Well old dog?

Have you ever considered running away to the circus?

Saree

[Lilly99]

Dear Saree,

Yes I know what it means and I new you would have understand .

I am mean’t to start back at work soon. Really worried though. My lovely jack is doing ok.

Yes I have thought about the circus . I would work with the lions . Guess why 😂

lilly

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

I see you have not lost your sense of humour. It always stands me in good stead. I think if I could not laugh or smile it would really be the end of me. There are many situations that I found overwhelming until someone or something makes a comment/circumstances seem ludicrous and then I smile to myself. The tension reduces and I can breathe again. Now I try to find the humour in life otherwise I would be in same boat as you Lilly.

I was told I had multiple myeloma at the beginning of the year. (Excuse me if I have said this before) This is a blood cancer that has no cure but can be managed by treatments. What do I find amusing about this? Well not the obvious fact of having an illness. I am grateful I have a chance to decide my priorities in life and the time to do them. At least that's what I thought until I came to my embroidery. I have a huge pile of patterns I would like to sew but realise I probably need several lifetimes to sew them all.

My avatar picture is a sample of what amuses me and it hangs on the wall in my bathroom. What makes me laugh is how I have spent time collecting patterns to sew in the future only to realise I do not have the time. This is not because I have an illness but because I would be permanently glued to my chair sewing for the rest of my life and I'm not sure I would be finished then. If there is a moral to this story it is to grab what you have now and enjoy it, wallow in those things that give you joy. It has been amazing how I can relax and stay with those things that are important to me.

The circus was such a magical place when I was a child. I have taken my children to the circus at various times and they have been caught up in the magic. If a circus comes to your area please make an effort to go.

Tomorrow I go for my monthly treatment and I will take a book and probably crosswords as well. Pity I cannot set up my embroidery frame but I think that would be difficult. I now have a picture in my head of sewing and getting the thread tangled up in the tube from the drip. And yes, it does amuse me.

Lilly, I do not go on about myself to you, well not often, but I wanted you to know that life can be happy and fulfilling. Perhaps start with life being bearable.

Mary