Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Lilly99]

Dear Mary ,

I am so sorry to hear you are so unwell . You hadn’t mentioned it before. I feel so selfish how much I have spoken about myself when you are going through so much. I am so sad for you it breaks my heart . You are so amazing and strong. And a dear friend helping me when you have so much to deal with . I like your avatar picture 🙂

I really don’t know what it is about myself . I really don’t know why I just want to give up . It kind of feels like I don’t want to get better. Like I am sabotaging myself. I don’t know whether it’s because I really don’t like myself which I am sure I don’t or I am just so exhausted and sick of fighting this . I know I am really scared . Hear you are fighting for your life . And here i am not wanting to continue. Maybe I am afraid of something. I really don’t know . .

I really don’t know how to start the process . The psychologist hasn’t got a appointment until the beginning of next month. She said she will phone me if there is a cancellation . But I fear it just would be the same as last time anyway. It’s just hard to see any solution when I am feeling this bad.

This has been going on for a long time well all my life, and I can’t remember what I enjoy. If someone asked me for one thing that I did enjoy I wouldn’t be able to give them a answer. I feel I have died inside. I have lost myself . I can’t even remember who I was before all this.

How do I find a life that’s bearable . It just seems so hopeless . I just don’t trust it’s ever going to happen. I think it’s because there have been so many hurdle’s .I want to stay down.

I hope you are feeling better with your flu. And I will be thinking of you often with what you are going through with your illness . Again I am so very sad for you.

Thank you for all your advice Mary. You are a very special person .

Lilly

[Lilly99]

Dear Mary ,

Sorry I didn’t wish you well for your treatment tomorrow in my last post . I am sending you 💕and 🌈. And yes it would be hard not to get the thread caught up. Take good care of yourself Mary .

Lilly

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

I am wondering how you are and if you managed to dodge wayne’s Flu? What have you been up too?

Lilly

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

Sorry I wanted to say this in my last post.

I need to apologise for how I have treated you. You have always been here for me . And I do really appreciate you . Sometimes I push people away and don’t replay to posts because that’s always when I am at my worst .

Thank you for all your help dear friend.

lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Sorry I have been out of touch I had a few personal things I had to sort out, but everything is all good now. I managed to avoid Wayne’s cold too thank you.

How are you going now and how are things with your son?

I read Mary’s post and like you I was very sad to hear of her illness. It makes me appreciate life all the more (thanks Mary you are an inspiration).

Please try and go back to see the psychologist to get support for yourself. Do you still see your GP?

Take care & stay safe xox

With love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯🦔

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

I am glad you didn’t catch his flu.

Things aren’t good with my son . And things couldn’t be worse emotionally for me . Feeling pretty desperate actually .

No I haven’t got another appointment with the gp.

I don’t know feeling worthless and pathetic atm.

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

There is nothing you have to apologise to me for. I don’t expect you to reply to all my posts as I realise how overwhelmed you are at times and are not always in a good headspace.

I have told you before I am not going anywhere no matter how hard you push lol!

With much love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯🦔

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Sorry you are feeling desperate and worthless atm. This has got to change Lilly. Could you write down some of the positives in your life - they can be ordinary things like having a car, a pet, food on the table, a job and so on.

This shows me that you are definitely not worthless and have a lot going for you - but you need to realise this yourself. You have so much potential Lilly, believe it.

Stay strong my dear friend xox

With love YFF Jojo 🌻🤗🕯🦔

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

I have always been grateful for what I have . Yes I have a job , car, food ect . That’s a lot of things people don’t have . I have never been a person that really cares for material things and I have never felt that I am worthless in that respect . And I know all these things are positives and to be very thankful for . I realise there would be people that would see me as being very lucky and why would I feel this way with having so much . I also realise there are so many people worse of than me .

I feel completely worthless within myself . I feel like a empty vessel . Almost like someone without a soul. I know I am the only one who change how I feel about myself. I just can’t see anything I like about myself . I am not meaning psychically but internally . It’s really hard to explain . My thoughts are relentless and consuming me.

I just don’t have any fight left in me to get over the next hurdle to get better. I think I have given up on myself .And honestly I would probably never open up to the psychologist. The thing is I haven’t told my whole story on the forum . There is so much more . And it doesn’t really matter anyway .

Sorry feeling very low . I will stop going on about myself .

Hope you have a nice day Jojo. And Mary I am thinking of you

Saree I hope you are ok . And enjoying your bf company .

Lilly .

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

Thank you for your good wishes. Really appreciate your care.

Please do not be sad for me. I am damned if a little illness is going to cut short my life and I am not about to give in to it.

Lilly, I have been where you are now. No resilience to fight back and the overwhelming feeling of uselessness and depression. It took me many years to get to where I am now. I had the help of a fantastic GP who cares about me and is not afraid to say it as it is. However she is very gentle. I have sat in her room and cried like a baby, said I could not go on, made all sorts of excuses and found myself being dragged towards wellness kicking and screaming all the way.

It was tempting to give up and sit in the metaphorical corner hoping someone can make me better in spite of myself. I used to ask my GP to wave her magic wand but she would say the batteries were flat. Laughing at this helped me enormously. Now, years later, I can see how very unwell I was at that time. I saw a psychiatrist who put me in hospital on one occasion. The hospital was OK, staff very pleasant and supportive and several activities during the day if I wanted to join in. I still felt ashamed of myself for being there and this feeling fought the safety feeling I had in being there. We are such complicated beings.

I know I frightened the living daylights out of my children and that also makes me ashamed. What I have learned is that feeling ashamed or any other negative emotion is the brain's way of maintaining the status quo. Our brains are quite lazy in some ways. Maintaining us as we are is the name of the game. We have to fight ourselves to change and that is extremely hard. It's also when we need all the help we can get.

I think you see a psychologist. Is this right? I also think you have seen a psychiatrist in the past. Financially it is cheaper to see a psychiatrist as the fees are rebated via Medicare. Psychiatrists can sort out medication because this is their area of expertise. Can I ask you to get a referral to a psychiatrist? Someone you have not seen before. Ask your GP to investigate who is the best person in your area.

Then I would love you to start again. Discard all the attempts at therapy and tell it like it is to the psych. I know this will be hard for you. It is time to grit your teeth and get well. I don't want to imply I did it so you can because it doesn't work like that. We are different people and cope differently. Please try again and gather up your strength.

Mary