Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I am well thank you and welcome back. I hope you can make it to your appointment today. Just sharing with someone in person can help even if you only share a little. And as Saree mentioned we will be right there with you giving you a cuddle and holding your hand.

Could you be really brave and take time off work and go into hospital? There you will be safe and can maybe learn some more strategies to cope with your anxiety and depression.

Hope this post comes through in time. Wishing you well xox

With love

your forever friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo and saree,

Ok well I went . Thankyou for holding my hand and for the cuddle . Anyway half hour wait agitation and anxiety increasing by the minute . And then complete breakdown . I couldn’t speak much . But she guessed what might be going on .

Anyway she wants me to see a trauma psychologist . She didn’t write a referral but said she had to ease my emotional state before the therapy would work . She has given me tablets to sleep wants to see me in 2 weeks . That’s my next day off.

Anyway I did it I went there and the outcome was what I expected . Trying to make it another 2 weeks .

Taking time off work to go into hospital I have been there done that. Yes I would be safe Jojo. But I would leave like I have done before in exactly if not worse headspace.

One positive thought before I leave. You are both amazing, compassionate unbelievable selfless ladies. I care for you both so much .

Hope you are doing ok saree . . Thank you both for being such caring supportive friends.

Your friend Lilly 🌺

[Saree_p]

Lilly,

I hope you went well today. I hope you did what was right for you (as you see you can).

Thoughts are with you,

Saree

[Saree_p]

Lilly,

Your response came through after I posted. So I apologise.

Well done!!

I am so very proud of you!!! you have brought music to my ears.

Whilst taking time off work may not be optional, could you potentially book in to see your GP a bit sooner? take a day off say next week?

Sorry, I worry. I know new meds can not always go well, whilst I hope they do, I worry two weeks may be too long for you to get through. Take it from someone who is trying and its hard. Not saying you can not, just a concerned friend that would do anything to stop anyone else going through how they feel.

Lilly, you are amazing. So well done.

I know you feel your kids want little to do with you, but can I say I wish I had a mother as courageous as you!

Your friend,

Saree

[Lilly99]

Dear saree,

Thankyou for your praise but really I am not worth it . I don’t see myself as a good mum . 

The thing is saree 2 weeks . Not sure how and if I will make it .I can’t get there sooner .

Your friend Lilly 🌺

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

You have made my day! Very well done and a big pat on the back for you for keeping your appointment today. I know how hard that would have been.

I hope the tablets help you and I am glad you are going to be referred to a trauma psychologist. This will be a another step towards trusting. Take things at your own pace though and on your own terms. You are in charge of how this unfolds.

Again very well done Lilly and like Saree said you are so courageous xox

With love & a great big hug 🤗

Your forever friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo

Honestly Jojo I don’t know how I am going to do this . She had only given me sleeping tablets not up my dose of antidepressants or anything .

2 weeks wait to see my gp. If I can go again. And then I don’t know how long until I see the psychologist .

Far out I will I make it until then ?

Your friend Lilly 🌺

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I know it’s only early days, but have the sleeping tablets helped? I agree with Saree it might be worth seeing your GP again in a week. Could you book one at the end of the day again so that you don’t have to take too much time off work?

Otherwise it will be a matter of taking one day at a time and trying to distract yourself from your thoughts as much as possible. Keep posting if that helps and keep busy xox

With love & a great big hug

Your forever friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo and saree,

I had a sleeping tablet last night , I got a couple of hour s sleep which is a improvement . .

I can’t make a doctors appointment I leave home at 7.30 get home at 7 . Doctors hrs are 8.30 -5 . I will try and keep busy Jojo . But the nights are long .

Do you ever wonder why you are here and what’s your purpose in life Jojo .

I am existing not living . I can’t see why going to a psychologist is going to help I have never opened up and never will.

Take care of yourselves

your friend Lilly 🌺

[Saree_p]

Dearest Lilly,

I am not sure if it helps, but I've asked that question many times myself.

Do you hold any beliefs or idea about human existence in the world? Have you ever explored through philosophy?
Random questions, just wondering if you have sought answers?

A couple hours sleep, despite how little, is good if its an improvement. Getting sleep will help reset things - if you can sleep.
Is it just switching off or other reasons you struggle to sleep?

Hopefully you get a bit better sleep tonight.

Thoughts are with you through the night dearest friend,
Saree