Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Lilly99]

Dear saree,

No I have never sought answers . I feel everyone has a different journey through life . Some easy some a never ending life of pain , regret, and struggle .

I can’t switch off and reliving things and there are other reasons. I ask myself why am I still here fighting this trying to get better. It’s so much easier to give up and not have to think or live .

Try and phone your doctor tomorrow . I know I am not a person to give advice .

I am visualising you dancing down the stairs. After all the things You have been doing it’s a wonder you find the energy . But if it helps then dance the night away . 💃🕺🏻Hope your night goes fast .

Your friend Lilly 🌸

[Saree_p]

Visualise away Lilly 😊
I promise it's a funny sight 🤯😂
I know what you mean. For some of us it always feels like we draw the sort end hey.
I also know what it's like to continually relive and there is no sugar coating. It sucks!

Dearest Lilly, but big hugs for you 🤗

I guess I've always tried to hold the view that what I've been through may help me to assist others. Then another part me would rather it's me than someone else.
I guess I hold out that one day there will be a reason for it all that becomes apparent. Maybe this is a false delusion, and yes the pain overwhelms a lot and I loose sight of this.

I honestly don't know if any of this helps you at all.

Hope you travel safely through the night. I dream one day you will be shielded for reliving.

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

You said “I am existing not living.” I used to feel like that except I said “I am alive, but not living” which is almost identical! That was back when I had no friends and was really struggling. I found it extremely difficult to talk to people or even look at them. I felt very lost and lonely.

However, during this time I was attending a psychologist and she really helped me deal with the shame that had been weighing me down. Gradually I began to improve and feel comfortable with the counselling process.This turned my life around for the better.

I believe we all have a part to play in life and there is a reason why we come into the lives of certain people.For example my life is much richer from meeting you Lilly and Saree. I think we were meant to cross paths. We are all helping each other because of our experiences. I know what you write helps Saree and both of you inspire me by sharing how you cope feeling the way you do.

I think people are simply meant to help each other and live in harmony which is not always easy, especially the harmony part! There is a place for everyone even you Lilly. You matter, you count, you have a purpose, you have a future. Never doubt that or forget that xox

With love & hugs

Your forever friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo and saree,

You both inspire me everyday . Jojo and saree you are amazing ladies. I do cherish you both .

I worry though. I am not a good friend to have . When people get too close I push them away. I have to keep people at arms length. I am worried that I would eventually hurt you both.

It’s what I do and have always done .

Hope your day is wonderful .

Your friend Lilly 🌺💃🌸

[Saree_p]

Sweetest Lilly,

Hun, from my perspective you are a wonderful friend to have!

I have spent many years myself pushing others away, and I understand the needs behind doing so. On the few occasions I have let people in I have then been hurt quite a lot, so it was easier to push everyone away. Is this similar for yourself?

Please realise nothing you say will scare me - I believe the same would go for Jojo.

Also, if you need to push us away, that is ok. I understand. But please do not do it for fear of hurting us. You are such a kind caring person, which shows through your need to protect us, but please, you do not have to. We stand beside you because we want to!

As Jojo pointed out, we need people - I still struggle with this concept myself, but it truly helps. I also believe what Jojo said, we were all meant to cross paths.

Please do what you feel is right for you, but please realise we are right there beside you 🤗

How did you sleep last night? Hope it was better than I did! Any nasties come up? I hope not, but know reality sucks!

Hope work is/was tolerable.

Standing beside you,

Saree

[Lilly99]

Dear beautiful saree, ,

It’s not that I am afraid of being hurt by either of you. Because I know that would never happen.

I just find it hard to let people care about me or care what happens to me.

I just don’t want you both to have too much hope and faith in me.

I am sorry you didn’t sleep well. Neither did I . Part of my issues are scared to close my eyes. To not be aware of what is around me. So sleep tablets are concerning to me. Because I need to still be aware. And thoughts keep coming .

I hope you are having a lovely day saree.

Your friend Lilly 🌸💃

[Lilly99]

Dear seree,

Sorry the answer to your question . It is easier to push people away . I have opened up a little on this forum which makes me a little uncomfortable because that is something I am not used to doing .

Although it helps to post sometimes . Then I beat myself up so much for venting.

Actually there isn’t much I don’t beat myself up about . When you post lovely comments I think straight away I don’t deserve anyone thinking of me like that. I am not that person. I think I don’t deserve being liked , happy, healthy.

I don’t know what the hell is going on with me sometimes. I can’t work myself out . It’s crazy. Maybe I am crazy 🤪

your friend Lilly 🌺💃

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

You could never hurt me and I love having you as a friend. I too will always stand by you.

It can be difficult to receive compliments when you don’t feel good about yourself as a person. I know I have been there. However, everything Saree and I have said about you is true. Through your words you have demonstrated your character to be strong, resilient, caring, honest, courageous and compassionate. These are all amazing qualities whether you believe us or not.

So I hope you will continue to post and join us as our new title: The Three Amigos!

With love & hugs

Your forever friend Jojo 🌻

[Saree_p]

🤗 We are all a little crazy 😂

I am really sorry that you are so scared to close your eyes - however, I know how this feels. Are there security measures that you have tried taking to make yourself feel a bit safer? Sounds like hypervigilance is an issue for you?

Please, you do not have to answer questions. I am asking to see if I can think of anything that may help - maybe something I tried.

I used to have to lock doors or put things against them for a long time. I still startle at every sound.

I've found things like heavy blankets help, and background noise (so you can't hear every sound), also a furry pet.

Lilly, I am so glad you have felt you can share what you have with us. I do know how daunting this is, but bit by bit hopefully you can give yourself some permission.

Hopefully, over time you will be able to listen to how we see you, and trust us in what we see.

Lots of Love and Big BIG hugs,

Saree

[Saree_p]

Amigo Lilly,

Lots of love your way, why? Cause we can!!!

Yes, Silly Saree it is 😂🤦‍♀️😜🐱‍🐉👅🌈

He he he - why the dragon, cause he is a fav of mine.

May rainbows show in your dreams tonight!!

Big Big Hugs,

Saree