Feeling desperate to make this stop

Lilly99 · ‎14-05-2019

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

Saree_p · ‎05-06-2019

Hi Lilly,

I am very sorry for last night, I am sorry you watched that. I feel like a complete hypocrite.

Lilly, you can do this. Hopefully Jojo can have some more wonderful words of wisdom.

Please do hang in there, I know I always look forward to reading a post from you.

There has to be hope Lilly, somewhere. As Jojo said, care for the little girl inside you.

Thoughts are with you Lilly,

Saree

Jojo100 · ‎05-06-2019

Dear Lilly

You are strong and resilient just as much as Saree. I couldn’t have managed like both of you without going into hospital. You both amaze me every day considering how you are feeling.

There is a simple mindfulness exercise that might help you with your thoughts. You have to think of 5 things you can hear, then 5 things you can see, then 5 things you can smell, then 5 things you can touch, then 5 things you can taste. Keep doing this for a few times. It can give the thoughts in your head a break and it’s an exercise you can do anywhere at any time.

Another thing I have done when my thoughts were taking me to places I found too distressing was to imagine a huge stop sign and say out loud STOP quite a few times. I found this broke my flow of thoughts and brought me back to the present.

There is always hope for you Lilly because you are a survivor and have the courage to deal with each day despite how you are feeling.

You say you no longer recognise yourself. What were you like before, what things did you like to do, what made you happy?

You are in my thoughts. Keep holding on you are so worth it xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

White_Rose · ‎05-06-2019

Hello again Lilly

I know how dreadful this wretched illness can be, how soul-destroying. My depression started when I left my husband. In retrospect it was the best thing I did. However I could not see it at the time. I felt I could not talk to my children because I thought they blamed me for leaving. They had all left home by then.

I was sobbing at work and the whole office just stopped working. It was horrible. In the end a colleague came took me outside so I could recover. Then she took me to a doctor and came into the consultation with me. She told the doc all about me and made sure I was helped. When I look back I am so grateful. Do you have someone who could come with you to a new doctor? Often another person can help the doctor understand what's happening to you. Being down the suicide end of the road is a lonely place. I know about that and so do many of the people writing here.

I wish I could reach through the computer screen and hold your hand. I cannot do this but please imagine I am holding on to you and so are all the others who write here. I had months of this awfulness and saw the psychiatrist twice a week. Even then he was not sure if I would be alive to turn up to the next appointment. And neither was I.

You are a worthwhile person and have a part to play in this world. I know that sounds a bit trite but I believe it's true. Talk to one friend and ask for their help. Ask them to be your spokesman and to advocate for you. You are weary and cannot see the road ahead. You need someone close by to go into bat for you. Ask this person to read this thread if you feel you cannot explain it all to another person. I think they will see how hard you are trying and how brave to get through this.

Lilly, you are in all our thoughts. We know how hard it is and we care about you.

Just a thought. Can you print this thread out and show to the doctor, either the current doc or a new doc? It may help them to understand what you are saying.

Mary

Lilly99 · ‎06-06-2019

Hi Jojo , Mary and saree,

Thank you all for your advice . I am not in a good place at the moment . Actually I have broken there isn’t any fixing me or my situation.

I can’t think about past , present and I know there differently isn’t going to be a future. So really what’s the point .

I don’t have anyone who could come with me to seek help . Not sure now if I really want it. I have given up on myself. I am not going to make it through this .

I wake up take a breath and wish I hadn’t . I know you care what happens to me. But the thing is I don’t . I feel sad that I couldn’t do any better for my family and myself . I am a failure . I look in the mirror and think why was I even born . I am know use to anyone .

I can’t see how I would even ask for help even if I could because I am so pathetic .

I read your posts and you have so much strength . You are all very special people .

Your friend Lilly

White_Rose · ‎06-06-2019

Oh my dear Lily

I am so sad for you. We are not special people. We have battled the same things as you and we are also flawed. It's because we have been there that we can talk to you and know you will believe us.

That little girl inside you is the same my little girl. Afraid of life and feeling so unwanted.I do not want to think of the tears I have cried but I want to remember the times I have laughed. If there is no one else please phone the Suicide Call Back Service. I do urge you to try, again if necessary. 1300 659 467 there 24/7.

I will be looking out for your posts.

Mary, very definitely your friend.

Sophie_M · ‎06-06-2019

We are sorry to hear that you are gong through such a difficult time Lilly. You have a lot of support around you here on the forums and we would like to ensure you have steps to keep yourself safe. Please check in with us either here or offline at modsupport@beyondblue.org.au to let us know how you are going. We encourage you to continue to talk through these tough moments with us, but also urge you to reach out to professional supports offline, especially if you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm. We are here to work through this with you.

Saree_p · ‎06-06-2019

Hi Lilly,

Please hold on. You are someone I value, and believe you are worth life.

Could you possibly make a phone call? Call BB? Or chat online with BB

Or try lifeline? online chat with Lifeline?

Please don't hear that as me not wanting to listen or hear from you (that's the complete opposite), more thinking is this a way you can get help?

Lilly, is there a way we can help you?

Thinking of you,
Saree

Jojo100 · ‎06-06-2019

Dear Lilly

I am still lighting candles for you because I can’t bear you sitting alone in the dark. You are not pathetic or a failure. I have had all those thoughts too including feeling worthless and wishing I had never been born. That was my depression talking telling me lies and ruining my life and happiness. Until I began to fight back.

I made it through the dark with a lot of help and I believe you can too. You prove to me daily how strong you are and that is the first step towards getting well. The next step is accepting help, be it from a counsellor or psychologist whoever you feel comfortable with.

Medication alone did not help me - I needed to experience the understanding and compassion of a psychologist. I really believe that would help you too if you could just trust yourself to take that next step.

I am always here for you Lilly ready to listen because you are worth it. Don’t give up on yourself or getting well - it is possible. If I can do it I just know you can too. You are much stronger than I ever was and I am not just saying that.

Fight on. You can do it xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

Jojo100 · ‎07-06-2019

Dear Lilly

Just wanting to say hi and am wondering how you are doing today? You are my friend and you matter to me a great deal. I hope you can manage to stay in touch as you would be dearly missed.

You are in my thoughts today and I just want to wish the very best for you. Stay safe & take care of yourself xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

Lilly99 · ‎07-06-2019

Hi Jojo , Mary and saree,

Thank you for your words of wisdom and ongoing help you have given me .

I don’t know what else to do . I have seen 2 psychologist . One said he couldn’t help and the other was really hopeless . I gave her more anxiety than I have . With my pacing , rocking and hand wringing . I have seen 3 psychiatrist who never took me seriously . They didn’t ask much just handed out medication even if they did ask I am very guarded .I don’t trust anyone and never will . I saw a mental health nurse for 2 years. I have tried all the phone supports . I have had doctors support in the past . I can’t go back into hospital because I was worse once I left . That little girl inside me has been lost I can never hold her hand .

I am still in the same place if not extremely worse after all these years .

Feeling pretty desperate actually . Even as I write this there is complete panic and crying . And my agitation is overwhelming I can’t calm down . I am not sleeping or eating and nearly loosing my job . I can’t turn to family and have no friends outside this forum . I am such a waste of space . I don’t have the endurance, stamina and energy to keep going . I am really tired of fighting this . I am completely worn out .

Sorry for posting again

lilly