Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly thank you for sharing so much. I can relate to a lot of what you said. When I first tried group therapy I found I couldn’t speak and would visibly shake. Also I couldn’t look at people and avoided eye contact.

I then tried seeing a psychologist who was very patient. I managed to speak at the first appointment, but when I went back I was unable to speak and just squirmed in my chair. After that app I went home and cried, but then I got out some paper and just wrote my heart out. I took this to my next app and from there on we were able to build a good rapport.

I continued to see her off and on for quite a few years. I discovered I was carrying a lot of shame as I had been sexually assaulted in my teens. It was a huge relief to discover this was not my fault. We also worked through some family issues which helped me move forward too.

To cut a long story short I am now able to look at people and am able to join in groups which is a huge change for me, and very liberating.

That’s why I wish you could find a good psychologist to work with as it sounds like the past is eating you up? Even if you could share a little bit of your story. It takes time to develop trust - my psychologist had to earn it, but gradually she did.

Wishing you well xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

H Jojo and saree,

Thankyou both for sharing your stories and helping me. I do appreciate you both and everyone who has posted .

I am in a extremely dark place at the moment .

thank you again

your friend Lilly xo

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Sorry to hear you are in a dark place right now. I was just wondering if you decided to take the increased dose of your medication?

I know you didn’t like the idea of journaling in case anyone found it and read it. However, is it possible to do some writing and then destroy it? This might help you find your voice and let you release feelings you are bottling up. Or can you do some writing on your computer and have a password to access it?

You are in my thoughts today as always. I am sending you strength and determination to get through. You are so brave Lilly, just hold on and keep going.

Wishing you well. Stay safe xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

I have just found this thread and wish I had come across it earlier. I'm usually more vigilant but have had my difficulties for a while.

Like the others I have been in your situation in the past. Too much pain and sadness, too hard to walk the road. I realised I am a bit stubborn at times and this is one situation where it was useful. How about you? Can you be stubborn? You have posted here for a month and you are still here. To me that shows some stubbornness. And it's great. Please use that bit of you that can dig your heels in and stand.

Now that you know you can do that it's time to start walking forward. Baby steps as my daughter told me. Just take baby steps. You have already taken some steps by writing here and even more by replying to the posts of others. While you want a life with more happiness you are getting there.

I have read through your thread but I may have missed something. May I ask if you live with family/partner/alone? Do you have a job or go to uni/school? These are important parts in your life and can help you start to heal. I think someone suggested that you keep a journal but you are nervous in case someone reads it. Write a password protected file. That way no one other than you can access it. So many people, and that includes me, have found writing things down is tremendously helpful. Just realised Jojo has made the same suggestion.

I understand your GP offered to increase your meds. How did you go with that? While we cannot discuss individual medications on this forum we can talk about them in general. Do you take antidepressant (AD) meds? Are they helpful? Try to remember how you felt before AD and how you feel now. If you are feeling better then continue to take them. They do take a while to get you back on an even keel.

Antidepressants do not cure depression. It is important to realise that. Their value lies in helping you regain your equilibrium, to feel more at ease or peace. It's from here that you work on your depression. Even if the meds gave you instant relief it would not mean your depression had gone. The reasons for your depression are still there but you are in a much better position to get well and manage these difficulties.

I think you see a psychiatrist and you had to wait six weeks for your next appointment. Can you make an earlier appointment? Tell the psych six weeks is too long. When I first saw a psychiatrist I went twice a week because he was so worried about me. It was my safe place.

Mary

[Saree_p]

Hi Lilly,

I do hope you are ok, thoughts are with you.

How can we help you at this point?

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo , Mary and saree,

Thank you all for helping me . I am sorry Jojo about what’s happened to you in your life . You are such a amazing person and you give lots of help and wisdom and strength to everyone on this forum .

I actually don’t know saree how anyone can help me from here. I think I am looking for a reason to live.

I am not a stubborn person I usually just go with the flow . I have lost who I am and let others take over so I have lost a lot of self dignity and willpower .

I haven’t taken the extra medication . Really what’s the point . I am not going to see my doctor again and get a referral to a psychologist and wait pacing and hand wringing in the waiting room .

I didnt make another appointment with the psychiatrist even though he wanted to see me in 6 weeks because he talk meds only . I don’t know what I expected of him .

I live with my family and I work . Trying to keep my job . I try and take care of my family who really don’t care if I was dead or alive .

I know I won’t make it through this it’s just a matter of time. I think I am self destroying myself because I don’t care now what happens . I don’t want to be around anymore . I have had enough .

Its really embarrassing posting so often and reading back through my post . Lately is been getting hard to reply even that takes energy and I hate myself for taking up your time when there are others more deserving .

I am really a waste of time and effort and I apologise for making you feel like you have to respond because I am really not worth it . I am never going to it better I realised that a long time ago . Tonight will be another night just like all the rest wondering how I will make it through .

Thank you all for your help .

You are all amazing people and I wish you well getting better.

Your friend Lilly xo

[Saree_p]

Hi Lilly,

I truely do get how you feel (thank you for your response in my thread). But please never suggest you have wasted our time. I can be confident in saying you have not. You do not deserve any less attention than any of us on here.

Lilly, can I challenge you?

You make reference to the fact you have lost your identity. Can I ask you to think of who you are (maybe its easier to think of who you where before the depression was engulfing?)? not who you should be or what you should be doing, but who is Lilly, what are you good at, what are you bad at. Do you like the outdoors (beach, wilderness, sun, rain) or do you like to be inside (snuggled up, books, games, company)? Is there a hobby you used to have and enjoy?

I hope this doesn't make you feel worse - that is not the aim, so if it does please don't continue.

Wishing you a good night,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly you are such a trouper and certainly not a waste of time or effort. I enjoy chatting with you and hearing your story. I know how hard it is to work when feeling anxious and depressed so you are definitely strong and determined. I just wish I could sit down and have a cuppa with you in person because you have so much potential.

Lilly I know you have been digging deep to stay with us, but please dig just a little deeper. There is a reason why you are still here - you deserve to have a good life. I have hope for you when you have none. I will light a candle for you so you’re not left alone in the dark.

I believe inside every adult is a small child who is sometimes very wounded and frightened. Can you imagine yourself hugging that little Lilly inside of you and keeping her safe? She needs you Lilly she is hurting and feels very lost & lonely. Take her hand and don’t ever let her go.

I hope you will continue posting here. Please try and keep in touch even if it’s hard. Keep on keeping on you are worth it.

With kind & caring thoughts xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Have been thinking about you today and hope you have managed to get through the day. Please don’t give up as there are people here willing to help you - all you have to do is ask.

Keep yourself safe & stay strong xox

Your friend Jojo 🌻

[Lilly99]

Hi Jojo and saree,

Sorry saree you had such a bad night.I hope you are ok. You can make it through saree . You are stronger than I would ever be. You post in my thread helping me when you feel so bad. Thank you so much.

Jojo thank you for being there for me and lighting a candle because I need it. I am in a dark place with know way out. I wish I could have a cuppa with you. I think you know me even if some of those words are unspoken . Thank you so much for helping seree through last night . I was watching but couldn’t speak . Sorry .

 A life of thinking and emotional turmoil is really not something I want to live for .

I cant see a way out . There isn’t one . I have lost who I am and become someone I don’t even recognise. There is know hope for me Jojo.

I have really had enough . I wake up and see a day I don’t want to be in anymore .

You are both wonderful amazing people .

Thank you again

lilly