Dealing with a cheating ex

[There]

Hey everyone,

I’m completely new here and needing support. My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago. I’m feeling completely lost and empty. He came into my life after my marriage broke down (another story) and helped me get back on my feet. We had so much contact, loved doing the same things and spent so much time together. We were long distance for 6 months before I moved for him and a great job opportunity. I’d been in Vic for 11 months when he decided to break it off. He’s a very supportive person who likes to help people. So I wasn’t worried when he was helping a couple of female friends. We began to have an issue when I asked for some reassurance (he had increased phone usage and turning phone on silent - my ex husband cheated on me also, so I realize that I could be hyper sensitive to that) about these ladies and I suggested that it could be in the form of meeting them or anything that was comfortable to him. He got defensive and 3 days later broke up with me saying that he wanted space, it was him and he needed to deal with his issues and fix himself. He led me on a little bit saying things like he wanted to check in, he wasn’t sure if we were over or not etc. fast forward 4 weeks later and he’s seeing one of the girls (the one he works with and not his typical type of woman he likes). I’m finding this so hard to deal with. I have no motivation, I feel empty and just so hurt. I actually don’t think he was that honest in our relationship (I’ve since found out some other lies he told me at the start of our relationship). My head knows that he is bad for me as I’ve also come to realize from self reflection that he actually isn’t that supportive and is very selfish, doesn’t truly communicate (only on his terms or when he wants/needs something). My heart just wants him to come back and work on things with me and I know that’s not going to happen. I’m so down he has just moved on and I feel like he didn’t value our relationship at all. I’m crying all the time and sometimes I don’t even know why. I feel like I have no friends here in Vic and everything I do or want to do reminds me of him because it’s the things we used to do. I’m terrified of running into them as I know he would still be doing the things we would do together (with or without her). Just feeling so lost.

Thanks x

[Guest_1584]

shyt sorry there , that was meant to be l "don't" think it's that he doesn't care , and l bet he does.

and thanks to there yeah l fully agree and l'm slowly rea;izing so much. l don't blame eher either lately because l see a lot more now.

but , guess what , the symbol didn't turn out to be all, she was hurt , again , but at least it wasn't my fault this time. She sent stuff and a letter but it dodn't get here until the 16th. l can't go into it now l'm still emotional but she explained sooooooo much. l'm so screwed.

sorry about the ex there , the first one, glad we've all got a few so now l don't feel like such a special case haha, or a lost causee. but if he knew her 12 yrs yaknow what , l don't hold much hope for that in the long run. things like that usually stay just friends because it's not right for more l've noticed, now and then it seems to work out but not very often so we'll cross our fingers eh.

Back after to read more, hope your all ok.

rx

[There]

Hi Nikki,

Thanks for the reply. It’s nice to know that someone’s in the same place as me. It’s his mistresses birthday today. So I’ve been obsessing over that today.

I totally understand what you mean about the purpose of these men. I guess I may not have moved to Vic and got the amazing job I have and living with my cousin has brought us closer together. Although I might have gone to New York to live if I didn’t meet him...

How have you been going? You seem to have some level headed thoughts at the moment. Hope you are ok.

J x

[Ruby3]

Hi J,

dont worry too much about the birthday, she’s one year older which is at least one more wrinkle, let’s hope it’s a big one 😉

yeah im doing better I think. My sons behaviour has become very very challenging, he is very angry a lot and now I’m a single Mum it is a lot of work. He’s had so much change though that I just need to see him through this but it’s hard to keep my cool when I’m also going through so much

I was trying so hard to have friendly contact with my ex but he was being as horrible as ever and I thought to myself why I am doing this? He should be trying with me not the other way around. So I blocked him on my phone so I can’t play any of his mind games anymore. Hopefully I’ll stick to it.

I still check the mistresses instagram though, I know it’s wrong but I can’t stop. And I often compare myself to her.

How do you feel in general J? Up and down days I’m sure but better than a few weeks ago?

nikki x

[There]

Hey Nikki,

Shes 5 months older than me, so I’m up for the same in a few months! I just wonder if he’s taken her to dinner etc.

I bet it would be hard for you and your son. How old is he if you don’t mind me asking? It would be hard to get him to ‘reign it in’ so to speak but also sympathize and ‘cut him slack’ with what he’s dealing with. He wouldn’t understand what you’re dealing with either. Such a hard thing to deal with Nikki. Do you have a support system for yourself and him? I know you said family are far away but friends?

Good for you, take some power back! Stick to your guns. You’re being incredibly strong by doing that. You should be proud of that.

I compare myself too. We’re human it’s what we do. I completely understand, I’ve been there obsessing over FB and insta. I’ll ask... why are you letting her have that power over you? Why are you letting her control that part of your life, your day, your time? When you’re ready and you’ll know when that is, you’ll block her and it will feel good. It’s hard not giving into the temptation and unblocking, very hard but each day you’ll care a little less. I hope you can get to that point and it’s just something you’ve gotta work through.

Always up and down. You? I’ve only had 2 days where I haven’t cried. 21st Feb will be 8 weeks. I’m just sad most of the time. I try and distract myself but he’s always there in the back of my mind. I am in a better place than a few weeks ago. I was in a very very dark place. I’ve really found this forum a huge help. Everyone here is just so open and full of advice. It’s a wonderful thing. I do still wish there were groups that I could go to. It would be nice to meet some people and have a coffee over talking about our problems.

One thing I have noticed is that I need to make some friends here in Vic. Mr. M and I did everything together, there was no time for me to make any new friends. Not sure how to do that though.

Do you find you’re making progress?

J x

[There]

Hey Rx,

Good to hear from you. Take your time if you want to share you’re always welcome.

I think she was always with someone and he was married to his ex wife so I guess timing was off for them till now. They work together. Different office locations but there’s a lot to overcome and he is pretty self centered and uncompromising. Guess we will see. I didn’t notice that till after our relationship ended. Thanks for the crosses fingers haha might need to do toes too!

I hope you’re doing ok and not too screwed. Again we are here for you if you need anything.

J x

[Ruby3]

Hi J

have had a bad day today. Not sure why as I was feeling a lot better. Just feel a dark cloud over me, i miss being a family, having a husband, what’s wrong with me that he doesn’t love me anymore?

My son is 2 and a half, far to young to have his dad walk away from him.

i do have friends but I’ve lost a couple due to them thinking I am ‘emotionally exhausting’ Especially since being in hospital.

I’m planning a trip back to England for a bit in the next few months. My parents have never met my son so they will be ecstatic. Something to look forward to.

Nikki x

[There]

Hi. Nikki,

I think that’s going to happen. I’ve been feeling the same. I think there will be ups and more ups and some bad downs. I don’t know how to stop that but to just push through those days hour by hour. I wish I could tell you all the answers and it’s not knowing that kills us. He should’ve been a man and had an uncomfortable conversation with you if he wasn’t happy or was feeling like things were going down a different path. Just like my ex should have instead of just cutting and running when things got real and ending up with someone who’s never going to be as good as me. She will never be as good as you Nikki.

Oh the poor little guy, he really doesn’t deserve that at all. It must be so hard for him to even comprehend and so hard for you too.

I find that you really find out who you are when you go through this s**t and you find out who your true friends are. You don’t need the ones who can’t support you like you’d support them and you’ve made another here in me. I’ll help you as much as I can.

Thats really good about England. It will be nice to see your family I bet. Be aware that you’ll probably get emotional being in a place that means so much to you and he isn’t there. I went home for the first time since the break and I found it a bit hard.

I hope your day is better tomorrow. Let me know how you are going tomorrow (or tonight if you’re still online).

J x

[There]

P.S. I’ve just been having these days and moments of pining for him. I suspect this is what you’re doing too.

[Guest_1584]

Gday Nikki , J.

Thanks J . Oh damn eh , well we'll just have to cross everything and hope for the best then. Never know, could get lucky.

The friends thing is hard isn't , l've lived interstate moved a lot , know all about that one. l'm in a new town here now , again. You got a great attitude though , good on ya J things will come together for ya , baby steps.

Hi Nikki , so sorry about your sitch , heartbreaking, l have no idea how any human good leave their new child , it's beyond me . Hopefully in time he'll at least come to his senses about that if nothing else and want to be a dad full on again.

hang in there .

rx

[There]

Hey Rx,

Thanks... not sure if thy makes me feel better though 😕 thanks for crossing everything though! I go through these phases of thinking that he was a selfish, controlling, uncompromising person and then I have these times where I think he was my world and I thought he was everything I ever wanted and just cry want him back. Ugh!

Yeah I don’t know how to make friends outside of work. Any tips?

How are you going?

J x