Dealing with a cheating ex

[There]

Hey everyone,

I’m completely new here and needing support. My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago. I’m feeling completely lost and empty. He came into my life after my marriage broke down (another story) and helped me get back on my feet. We had so much contact, loved doing the same things and spent so much time together. We were long distance for 6 months before I moved for him and a great job opportunity. I’d been in Vic for 11 months when he decided to break it off. He’s a very supportive person who likes to help people. So I wasn’t worried when he was helping a couple of female friends. We began to have an issue when I asked for some reassurance (he had increased phone usage and turning phone on silent - my ex husband cheated on me also, so I realize that I could be hyper sensitive to that) about these ladies and I suggested that it could be in the form of meeting them or anything that was comfortable to him. He got defensive and 3 days later broke up with me saying that he wanted space, it was him and he needed to deal with his issues and fix himself. He led me on a little bit saying things like he wanted to check in, he wasn’t sure if we were over or not etc. fast forward 4 weeks later and he’s seeing one of the girls (the one he works with and not his typical type of woman he likes). I’m finding this so hard to deal with. I have no motivation, I feel empty and just so hurt. I actually don’t think he was that honest in our relationship (I’ve since found out some other lies he told me at the start of our relationship). My head knows that he is bad for me as I’ve also come to realize from self reflection that he actually isn’t that supportive and is very selfish, doesn’t truly communicate (only on his terms or when he wants/needs something). My heart just wants him to come back and work on things with me and I know that’s not going to happen. I’m so down he has just moved on and I feel like he didn’t value our relationship at all. I’m crying all the time and sometimes I don’t even know why. I feel like I have no friends here in Vic and everything I do or want to do reminds me of him because it’s the things we used to do. I’m terrified of running into them as I know he would still be doing the things we would do together (with or without her). Just feeling so lost.

Thanks x

[Ruby3]

Hi rx

thank you for your post. Yes it’s really heartbreaking, I feel so sad for my son, he was a total daddy’s boy. Sadly my ex is more than happy to sign over sole custody to me which of course makes me happy but makes me sad for my son. He only plans on seeing him every other weekend and doesn’t wish to have him overnight.

His loss I suppose and he will have to explain it to my son one day.

How are you feeling today rx?

nikki x

[Ruby3]

Hi j

today was a better day in terms of my ex. Didn’t really think about him and when I did it wasn’t the usual yearning for him back. So that’s good do you think?

just feel like I’m failing a bit as a Mum lately. My sons behaviour has become so bad at times because of all the upheaval and I’ve struggled to keep my cool and yelled at him and been firm with him too many times. It’s just a lot doing this all by myself. But I feel so guilty every time it happens. And seems to be making him worse.

How are you today j?

nikki x

[There]

Hi Nikki,

Firstly I’m sorry to hear your ex doesn’t want to step up and be a parent like he should. He’ll realize one day that he’s messed up big time with his son and I’m sure it will be something he regrets forever.

Yes, that is a step forward and I hope it’s the first of many! Have you made any progress with the insta stuff?

Have you spoken to your psychologist about steps you can take with your son? I can’t imagine what you’re going through but you are not a bad Mum and your son won’t remember the times that you were frustrated, he’ll remember that you were always there for him. You might feel like you’re frustrated and can’t keep your cool but just remember that you are going through a lot too. You’re holding the house hold together. You are one strong person and be proud of yourself that in this crappy horrid situation you are still going.

I’ve had an up and down day. I still cry on the way to and on the way home from work. Might be my song choice maybe? I’m just hurt, sad and wish I could turn back time. The best part of my day is when I’m in bed (with tv playing in the background) and I can imagine all the ways he could come back to me... won’t happen though as much as I wish it would.

I hope tomorrow is a good day.

J x

[Guest_1584]

So sorry nikki , can't even comprehend that rubbish.

l'm hoping he'll come to his sense long long before that.

l still wish my daughter would stay , hell she can move in , l should eb grateful for the freedom finally but l try to accept it. She's 16, got a bf, got best friends, they're all just around the corner from her , she's growing up.

Mine , oh , tis a long story , how many pages do we get here. Kidden . l'll try to sum it up and l hope l don't make anyone cry , me included.

Well , l got a long letter from my ex and l got a valentines after all , it was just 2 days late because it came all the way from Sanfran. l did send her her sketch first though , and a bit of a letter, and l asked her if she'd be my valentine for the day.

The card and pressies and letter were beautiful. And she explained a lot of things too, l know we're both still stuck. Hope we don't end up really old and still thinking about the love that was, like they use to in the old days, back when love meant something.

lt was abeautiful letter , and hard too. And l know now we;re both still thinking thinking thinking.

right now l'm trying to figure out wth to do tbh. l still llove her and l know now she still loves me. but first we have the distance matter , but then we have her head issues and l just don't know if l could ever win with them. the problem there is she doesn't see herself or acknowledge them, so it's hard to know if they will ever settle down or if there some way to deal with them and make it work.

Scuse the rant J , don't wanna take over your thread.

hope you guys are ok tonight and sorry l couldn't come up with some better feel good J.

rx

[There]

Hey Rx,

Please don’t think you’re taking over my thread. I feel like it’s become yours, Nikki and my thread. We are all supporting each other and I think it’s great!

Oh that’s a really tough one. To still care about each other but be so far away. I’m so sorry. It sounds like she needs to look within herself and realize some things about herself? I guess there’s no way to make her see it, she has to come to that on her own. Hope I’m not way off?

All good I was in a strange place yesterday. Just feel stuck and can’t move past the pining feeling. Not sure how to get past it.

Hope you’ve been feeling better tonight.

J x

[Ruby3]

How are you both feeling today?

nikki x

[Guest_1584]

Hey J and nikki,

Thanks J that's a nive idea and the way l sorta saw things too.

[Guest_1584]

Hi j and nikki .

That's a nice idea thanks j , l'm sorry you had a bad day , damn, l know that feeling. Hope today was better for you , day ata time eh.

How you doin nikki , hope your ok.

Yeah j distance is a biggie of course, but l dunno , this time apart has been a real reality check for us both though let me tell ya. tbh l think her stuff is a bpd'ish thing but it mainly went to crap when we started going to crap due to distance and my finances . she was under heaps of stress and painful being apart. couldn't blame her. Maybe if we got back on track solidly. l dunno, she admitted some things and explained the main biggie , it was a huge leap for her, huge.

Can't get it outa my head and l must admit, l'm really hoping we can talk.

Hope everyone's a bit better today , here to listen if it'd help.

rx

[There]

Hey Nikki,

Im doing ok. I just want this feeling of wanting him to come back to go away. I want to not want him. Will that ever come?

How have you been today?

Thanks Rx, better day but I wish I could just get over him. Wish I didn’t think about them.

Thats a positive step if she’s opened up to you and I guess sometimes it’s easier to say things in a letter which starts a dialogue. As bad as it might feel there’s positives in there for sure. You never know how things will turn out... keep your chin up Rx, we are here for you. Hope you’ve had an ok day.

J x

[There]

Hey Nikki and Rx,

how are you guys going?

J x