Constant blues and not knowing what to do with it

[Guest_322]

Hi,

The title basically says it all. I'm something of a sad sack (have been for most of my life).

Some people's trauma seems to come out predominantly as PTSD. Not me, mine seems to show itself as a constant state of blues instead (either that or I'm turning into my mum).

I kind of just want to stay in bed all day. Luckily I'm usually good at dragging my arse of of bed.

Not sure if this thread serves any purpose other than looking for fellow sad sacks- I say this affectionately as I am one of them- who can empathise?

Also, anyone who has had a traumatic childhood but without PTSD?

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Um...hope you don't mind if I respond here instead of on my older thread (just being kind of lazy haha).

I'm going to assume you'll find this...

I don't know how to explain it to you. The control...my problems with food (admittedly I have it more under control than I once did so that's a big tick).

Thanks for sharing your insights on triggers. It makes sense that there is enormous fear and sadness when you're triggered. But, sure, I agree it's also a learning curve.

Yeah, well, I have a better understanding of myself than before. For me, it's not so much a fear of falling back into old habits but more just a mental assessment of "wait...where am I currently standing when it comes to food?"

Also, it was a reminder of a sad and difficult time in my life. Plus how EDs and disordered eating are so often misunderstood. The media draws a lot of attention to it but I would argue that it's a very superficial understanding (for the most part).

I actually went back and watched about another 20 minutes of it. I kind of keep getting drawn back into it.

I think it's mostly because even though it is confronting, it's also one where the usual misrepresentations/surface understanding are avoided- the show digs deeper- which was hugely validating for me. I don't agree with every method that is used in this residential program uses but overall, they have the right idea.

Thanks again for your support and wisdom.

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

I'm going to assume you'll find this...

Why, actually yes, I did find it 😉

I understand every point you have made. I regard you as having both wisdom, strength and the ability to learn constructively. No need for me to rehash, just you have my admiration.

I'm glad to say I have no real fears for your future, even though it may be very taxing for you oftentimes. (This supposed to be reassurance and a compliment, I hope it comes across that way)

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

I'm glad you found it haha...

Wow, um, thank you. I don't know what to say but thank you.

Just been thinking...for better or for worse, I've decided that I want to get through the whole series. I just know that I shouldn't watch too much in any one sitting and take breaks to digest what I've watched. Mostly because I feel, while extremely confronting, there's a lot to be learnt from it.

Also, it's hugely validating for me and even though I don't know the people on the show personally, I feel a sense of empathy for what they're going through.

The residential facility incorporates some more "conventional" treatments for ED (e.g. addiction 12 steps, which is actually used fairly frequently for ED) as well as some that I had not encountered before for EDs e.g. inner child work, which I literally had to press pause as it was a bit much for me. Also the repressed anger work was very confronting to watch too...

Dottie x

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

Actually I agree, I think the information you gain about treatments and attitudes will be beneficial. Also at some stage you have to be flexible enough to take whatever is thrown at you in later professional life.

Also having a triumph now and then can't hurt.

I've every confidence you can regulate your intake to minimize adverse effects.

I have mentioned before there are some things that trigger me, many to do with fire, forensics and so on (not going too close now). My strategy, which may well be overkill for many, is a kitchen timer and someone I could rely upon nearby should I need to write/read/watch specific events.

All that is probably overkill for you. I think you are well able to dream up a 'cut-out' system that is convenient and prevents OD'ing (as it were).

You are certainly not standing still nowadays 🙂

Croix

[Croix]

P.S I forgot - sigh, also part of my strategy is to allow 24 hrs between activities to properly assess my reaction and allow wind-down time YMMV
C

[Guest_322]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for the suggestions and sharing. Well, I don't think it's "overkill" if it minimises/contains your trigger response. I guess we all have to find ways that work for us as individuals, and that just so happens to be your way. Nothing wrong with that at all.

I like your 24 hour idea. A day to digest and reassess seems wise to me.

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

I woke up feeling rather blue. But then again, that doesn't say much considering this is me we're talking about.

Luckily I had errands to run, which forced me to leave my place (and not mope around all day in my room).

Not sure if this post has any purpose other than to have a little whinge...

Was thinking that I might take up dance again. It's something that I had to give up before...the thought suddenly occurred to me when I was out and about.

Seriously, I'm all over the place with this post...probably I'm just lonely. I was the lonely "popular" girl in school. Corny nailed it when she said I was the "lonely wanderer."

I have ED and food/exercise on my mind (in a reflective way). Just a sense of loss and guilt over how much I hurt my own body.

Suddenly have an urge to talk about it. At my worst, I was always cold (mentioned this before), downy hair grew all over my body, hair fell out, dental cavities from malnutrition, flaking nails, chest pains, etc, etc. Mentally, I felt like a cross between a zombie and a sad sack and my greatest interest would have been my various food and exercise rituals.

Point is I effed my body over and even today- that's probably some of the guilt and shame part- there are some residue health problems.

Anyway, onwards and upwards...I'm doing a lot better than before. I have a healthier relationship with myself and my body. It's not always great but I'm getting there...like, I can treat myself to a breakfast of waffles occasionally without having some sort of mental breakdown.

Dottie x

[james1]

Hey Dottie,

I haven't been keeping up with your thread recently because I didn't feel like I had anything useful to add and it seemed like there were some good discussions going on, but can I please please give you a massive virtual hug?

It's okay to not know what to talk about, though that doesn't make it any better. Ditto on wanting to mope around all day in your room. You've done it really tough in the last few months...I don't know what to say.

I just wanted to let you know that I care about you, downy hair, flaky nails and all. And I'm really glad that you're doing a lot better than before so you're feeling less like a sad zombie sack. Maybe not quite a happy zombie yet, but we'll get there in time.

Sorry, not much in the way of advice because, well, I think you're doing all you can, and I do think you're just slowly rebuilding the self-stuff that went missing back then.

Much love

James

[Guest_322]

Oh James,

Thank you so much. You couldn't have written a better post.

You're making me tear up...I could feel the virtual hug through the screen. Thank you.

The downy hair and nail situation is much, much better than before so that's a big tick. My health problems have more to do with my insides than my outsides e.g. residue kidney problems. Thanks for still caring despite how I must have sounded pretty gross back when I was in the grips of it.

Hey sometimes, the best "advice" isn't advice at all but reaching out and saying "I care" and you always do that beautifully.

I'm very grateful for your friendship.

Love,

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi,

So much to say yet nothing to say at the same time...I get that I'm not the first person to feel that way.

Just been thinking...been awake for hours. Woke up in the middle of the morning and felt an SH urge. Resisted and jumped on here instead. Read other people's threads and replied to some...made me feel less alone when most people were probably still asleep.

Feel that desire to just run away from it all. I bet it's a common fantasy.

Head hurts. Heart hurts. But in Queen's words, the show must go on...

Not sure what the answer is for me. Everything that I do and don't do, it's all connected.

Queens and kings of (food) restriction are often full of s**t. I was one of them and I've met some of them. Analysing isn't the same as feeling. Neither is so-called insight. Some people "intellectualise" their emotional problems rather than "feel " them.

Give the illusion that we're coping and dealing when all we're doing is approaching our emotional landscape with detached, clinical observations. As though our own life is something to be studied like a specimen in a science lab. Don't know where I'm going with this...guess what I'm trying to say is...lost my train of thought now...

It's important to feel...that's where I'm going with this...ED sufferers are typically sucky at that part. Experts at analysising and understanding our own emotions but atrocious at actually feeling our emotions is a huge part of why the disorder starts. Point is Dottie needs to feel...my head hurts at that prospect. Feeling is painful.

Never mind me...semi talking to myself anyway...

Dottie xxx