Constant blues and not knowing what to do with it

[Guest_322]

Hi,

The title basically says it all. I'm something of a sad sack (have been for most of my life).

Some people's trauma seems to come out predominantly as PTSD. Not me, mine seems to show itself as a constant state of blues instead (either that or I'm turning into my mum).

I kind of just want to stay in bed all day. Luckily I'm usually good at dragging my arse of of bed.

Not sure if this thread serves any purpose other than looking for fellow sad sacks- I say this affectionately as I am one of them- who can empathise?

Also, anyone who has had a traumatic childhood but without PTSD?

Dottie x

[Just Sara]

Hey D-Girl!

Wanting to know what it's like not being here...

Close your eyes...imagine you've gone...then look at my face. That's what it's like...

Sara x

[Just Sara]

I'm sorry hun; that was harsh.

Please forgive me...

[Guest_322]

Hey Sara,

It's okay, don't stress over it. There's nothing to forgive- you've done nothing "wrong." I realise you were speaking from the heart. Please don't spend the rest of the day berating yourself over it.

If anything, I was moved. I hadn't quite looked at it from that perspective. During the tougher moments, it's easy to forget that people care. I'm touched...

Not that long ago, one of my friends commented that I "inspire" him. I almost choked on my coffee. He didn't really explain and I was too embarrassed to ask why in the world (?)

Anyway...

Rest assured, I'm not suicidal. Just occasionally get stray thoughts, that's all.

Thanks again, your compassion and care always shines through.

Have class in a bit...talk later.

Love ya,

Dottie xxx

[Just Sara]

Dear Dottie;

Thankyou sweetheart; I was in a pickle when I read your words and it saddened me. So many of us during the throws of torment don't think of those left behind or who'll find us after the event.

I'm happy you understood hun; so very glad. I never thought you were thinking of doing the deed, I just wanted to add to what you'd already written.

Love ya back 10 fold...

Sara x

[Guest_322]

Hi everyone,

Sara, apologies for the late response. I had read it but got distracted and forgot to reply.

Don't worry too much about it. I understand it was out of love and concern. I get it and it's okay.

Love ya,

Dottie xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi,

I have had a pretty good day with friends. Been out all day and most of the evening too. Mood plummeted as soon as I came home.

Partly it's because I (stupidly) decided to watch an eating disorder reality TV show recently and it has been playing on my mind. Saw bits and pieces of myself in the people who had self admitted into an ED residential treatment program, which was quite confronting.

Brought me back to another time of my life of taking hours to finish a tiny meal, the rituals, the self imposed food and exercise "rules", the lies that "I've already eaten"...

When one of the therapists in the reality show said that EDs are never really about food and that "food is a symptom" of something bigger and more painful, I burst into tears. That's so true. The irony of EDs (or even disordered eating to some extent) is it's never truly about the food at the heart of things.

Anyway, I'm not sure what purpose this serves. I don't usually talk much about my vast food issues, which ironically are not about food at all...not sure where I'm going with this...good night.

Dottie x

[Zeal]

Hey Dottie,

Your post struck a chord with me, because I've had issues with disordered eating. I had an eating disorder at 19, and it was atypical and not really about the food either. It related to feeling that I couldn't control anything else in my life. As a perfectionist who has OCD, I craved some control. It made me feel like I was doing well at something (by eating "healthily"). I still have some eating disorder behaviours, but I never skip meals, and snack between meals because this helps with my energy levels.

This documentary definitely hit home for you emotionally. I generally avoid watching anything on TV (or reading magazine articles or books) about dieting, personal eating disorder journeys or the obesity crisis. We probably know enough about this already, and the media seems to go round in circles with the broadcasting. The program you saw sounds more educational and unique. I've seen something like this on YouTube, which made me feel a bit vulnerable afterwards.

By the way, I'm happy to hear that you had a great day with friends! It's a shame that you watched the eating disorder reality TV show when you got home, but we all make mistakes like this sometimes. I have watched that show Supersize vs Superskinny on Foxtel before, before I had resolved my eating issues. That was back when I binge ate, and watching that show made me feel guilty, confused and abnormal. So yes, I don't recommend watching this show!

I've mostly resolved my issues around food and I've forgiven myself for binge eating and shed most of the guilt. That was what was holding me back, the guilt. Also, I don't wear tops that are tight and restrictive around the tummy area, as this makes me uncomfortable. There is nothing "wrong" with my stomach, but I know that wearing tight tops can bother me, so I just don't wear them. This goes for dresses and skirts too. Small things can make a big difference. Do you have small things that you can do or not do, that help?

I hope your Saturday is decent so far Dottie 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Just Sara]

When food = love

Are we giving (or depriving) ourselves things we interpret as what love feels like? As babies, nurturing equated to touch and taste, but most of all it was about survival. That's why some littlies instinctively put things in their mouths.

When food becomes compensatory for nurturing/love, it's done thru our primal/reptilian brains when survival is on the line. So we eat to survive. (Feel nurtured)

If love feels like deprivation instead of nurturing, the opposite becomes the norm. Either way, stress triggers instinct.

This issue is extremely important and very relevant to mental health. Although this thread's about you Dottie, you share a commonality among many others who contribute to this site. Hi Zeal!

Bringing it out in the open might just be the catalyst for change many of us need. For me, it highlights 'my secret shame'. I applaud you both (Dottie and Zeal) for having the courage to speak up. Well done!

Love you guys and what you continue to give...

Sara xo

[Guest_322]

Hi,

Thank you so much for the caring and supportive posts, Zeal and Sara. Also for sharing a bit more about yourselves.

Zeal, what an inspiring post...thank you Zeal. You've certainly come a long way. Ah yes, perfectionism and EDs often co-occur...as a fellow perfectionist, I hear where you're coming from.

Yes, feelings of control are very much associated with EDs. Like, yours had a lot to do with trying to control something in an otherwise "uncontrollable" world.

I'm happy for you that you seem to be in a healthier place with yourself and with food. You've clearly found ways to help yourself cope better and know what to avoid so you're less likely to be triggered. Mad props to you!

Supersize v. Superskinny hit a nerve with you. I've seen some of the episodes and, if my memory serves me, I recall guilt tripping seemed to be one of their tactics (or maybe that was my imagination). Either way, it would have definitely been a confronting show for you to watch.

I completely agree that the media is saturated with info about dieting and sometimes EDs. Although I personally find a lot of it misrepresents EDs and doesn't really scratch beneath the surface.

The show that I watched was filmed in an ED residential program and the focus was on dealing with the issues that led to 8 people developing EDs. I liked how the show focused less on their specific weight and food and more on the underlying issues (the "heart" of the problem). It also meant that it was pretty confronting to watch...the employees and founder of the residential program seemed to have a genuine understanding of EDs.

Well, I've learnt to do the following:

- I avoid conversations about dieting or kj/calories counting with friends.

- Deleted my kj/calories counter apps (yes, plural).

- Recycled my kj/calorie counter book

- don't keep scales in my room

- asked a housemate to not keep her scales in the bathroom (my excuse was "I keep tripping over it" but that's an outright lie). Scales and me= obsessive weighing.

- avoid health food magazines at supermarket registers. The advice is good and is technically healthy but in my hands, my "all or nothing" approach will take over and healthy becomes extremes.

- try to wear clothes that make me feel good

- avoid labelling food as "good" or "bad." Food is food.

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara,

Thank you so much for your response (also for the one in an older thread). I hope you don't mind if I address both on this thread.

When food = love

That kind of stopped me for a bit as I mulled it over. I like what you said about eating/food as compensatory behaviours. I agree that that's a huge part of the problem.

Sometimes when it comes to deprivation, I think part of the problem is feeling as though we don't deserve to be loved (we don't deserve food or to be healthy) and sometimes it's a case of denying our needs too or unhealthily trying to "own" something that is ours and ours alone (even if "owning" something is actually an unhealthy attachment/addiction to an illness). And control is a huge part of it too (even though the irony is that the ED ends up controlling you.)

Of course there are other reasons too- I can't pretend to speak for everyone.

About my other thread...it's okay, there's no need to apologise. You had your own stuff going on plus you didn't see the thread (it's impossible to keep up with every thread that pops up). There's nothing to be sorry for...I know you care...

Thank you, yes, I have developed coping mechanisms over time and can generally understand my own behaviour and thought patterns. Understanding and "insight" has rarely been the problem for me- it's not always knowing what to do with it or being defiant (doing something that I know is self destructive but doing it anyway). Like, sometimes the feeling part of me rebels against the thinking part.

As for the whole public face/private pain thing, that's my general life approach.

I watched a little more of that show last night (keep being drawn back in but I was better prepared as I was expecting it to be confronting this time, and I know not to watch more than 20 minutes in the 1 sitting now). One of their therapists talked about how we build walls to keep people out. She said that there are walls of silence, walls of laughter, walls of talking, etc.

So for me, the public face is a wall of laugher and talking, and the pain is something that I deal with behind closed doors. Even on BB, I don't always reveal how much I'm truly hurting. But I suppose a lot of us do that...or maybe I'm projecting...

Dottie xxx