Anyone had to spend days alone without anyone to talk to?

[Hanna3]

Hi all, apart from here and a brief visit to church last night (to make it feel Christmassy and to just be with people) I've had day after day for weeks now with nobody at all to talk to. This time of year especially it's really depressing. Old friends that live far away are gradually losing contact with me - I ring them but they don't ring me. I understand they're busy with their live elsewhere but still it's hard when you're lonely. I'm going to a Christmas Eve service at the local church tomorrow night to at least be with people for a little while... but otherwise all day I'm alone, just me and the dog. Sometimes I strike up a conversation on BB but then the other person disappears and that's the end of that...

How are people meant to cope with prolonged periods of social isolation? I read, I watch DVDs, normally I'd go for long walks with the dog but thick smoke from bushfires and intense hot weather have stopped that. I go to a café alone sometimes. Any ideas/help?

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws, back just in time for the worst of the afternoon heat but all the cafes were closed and it's not especially comfortable sitting upright in a chair in a food hall reading a book for hours - but it gets me into aircon for a while I'm trying not to get heat exhaustion again. I did read reviews about a portable aircon but people said they didn't work in fibro houses - I think they just get too hot for anything to handle. What is your house made of? Weatherboard or brick?

Funny isn't it how everyone knows the dog's name before yours, I do that I know dogs' names but not their owners! I can imagine a Great Dane doesn't go unnoticed!

It sounds like people there have been quite OK, sometimes in country towns they don't like anyone behaving a bi differently. It doesn't sound like you get lonely - I get terribly lonely here and I'm terribly homesick. Just had a phone call from an old friend where I moved from and she said the temperature there is very comfortable. It makes it worse being in such awful heat and smoke here. I feel like I've made such a terrible mistake... I'm beating myself up because I don't know a way out.

When I do go to the shops or anywhere it seems like everyone has family/friends to talk to, I feel like I am the only one on my own. I'm pretty introvert and do need plenty of "out" time from mixing with people - I've always avoided things like parties, I can't bear trying to make small talk... but I do like to have a couple of friends that I can go out to a café with, or have a chat with. It's not happening much here and I get the feeling it's not going to.

Poor Sam is lying on the cement floor in the laundry I've set up a fan so he gets some circulating air. I feel wretched for him spending day after day stuck inside a hot house, when he used to have a paddle in the sea every morning and evening, and go to the outdoor cafes with me where there was a sea breeze. I feel really guilty about what I've done to him.

Yes when I grew up in Sydney it was in a suburb that was pretty much on the outskirts, now it's worth a fortune and going under high rise apartments. I think it was a great time to be a kid as we used to take the dog and go for a swim in the waterhole down in the bush, and go for bushwalks, and without social media I think people were more inclined to talk to each other. I'm glad it's worked out for you. Do you read much or how do you like to spend your time? Cheers from us both here.

[Doolhof]

Hi Hanna and Paws,

The heat and the fires certainly are horrendous over so many parts of our country.

It has been interesting reading your comments about small towns and friendliness. I grew up in a small town and did not find the people to be all that supportive if yo were a little bit different or not related to everyone else as was the case for our family.

I lived for decades in the city and made some great friends through work, different groups and even with neighbours. A few years ago my husband wanted to move to the country. We now live in a small town. The neighbours don't say hello even when I try to chat to them over the fence.

I've made friends with people from other towns around us.

Hanna, I am wondering if you contact the council if they might know of some places you might be able to take Sam and be in air conditioning. I noticed people had their dogs with them in the shopping mall that is air conditioned last week in our region.

It can be really hard when we think about what might have been and wish we were somewhere where we aren't!

You mentioned the BB Café, sometimes the "conversation" there can jump all over the place. It can be busy or very quiet. It is quite random.

Years ago when I was in a flat with no air conditioning, I would sit in the bath and have the T.V. on in the door way. I had an evaporative cooler which worked well enough as long as it was not humid. Maybe make some enquiries and see if there may be a system you can have on trial?

Wishing you both a New Year full of new opportunities and cooler weather soon!

Cheers from Dools

[Hanna3]

Hi Dools, nice to have you comment here thanks. I can imagine that small towns wouldn't like anyone to be "different" in any way. It's interesting your neighbours don't talk to you. I've come from a coastal tourist town and am used to smiling and saying hello to people as I pass them (while I'm say, walking the dog). I notice here that people don't do that, I say hello and smile and they either give me a look like I'm unwelcome or mostly they turn their head/eyes and look away. I am not at all used to this, I like to be friendly when I'm out and about. I guess in a tourist town you have to get used to having lots of people around that you don't know. Maybe it was more relaxed too.

Unfortunately public housing never gives you a bath, only a shower - I would love to have a bath but you never get one.

I have often found people in large cities much more tolerant of difference in others than country towns, I think in cities you have to get used to having all sorts of people around you. Towns can be very insular.

Thanks for the tips. It's an extraordinarily tough heatwave we're going through and plenty of people in the shopping malls seem to be there because they have no aircon, or can't afford it. I certainly haven't been the only one spending time there reading just to stay out of the heat. Interesting to hear from you thanks so much.

[Paw Prints]

Hi Hanna3,

Oh lass, please try not to berate yourself, you made the best decision you could with the info you had. Your loneliness & sense of isolation must be so hard. Hopefully it will only be a few more weeks before things start to resume & you will be able to get out & meet people with similar interests to yours. I don't miss human company like most people do, so what limited contact I have is enough for me.

My 'mother hen' hat drops on my head from time to time & I tend to try and think of suggestions for other peoples challenges. It is snugly fitted at the moment so:

The little portable evap cooler doesn't cool the whole room, but unlike a standard fan it blows cold air so as long as I stay within its range it makes a big difference & is surprisingly effective at keeping me & woofa feeling cool. It makes sleeping possible. I had a bigger one but it needed to be put in front of an open door or window & honestly it just made the hot air feel humid & was useless on really hot days.

Just a thought for Sam to be able to have a cool paddle/splash, if you google "portable dog swimming pool" or "clam pool" there are lots available with free shipping from $20.

OK hat off

I've been watching the tragic rolling fire coverage on the ABC news channel. Its heartbreaking seeing all the devastation & how much of the country is burning. The firestorms are simply terrifying.

How I spend my time varies depending on my mh & how hard I find it to be able to concentrate or absorb info. I do a lot of re-watching/re-reading what I know, trying to follow a plot in a new show/book can be difficult for me. I like reading sci-fi especially those written in the 50s-70s & prefer ones which deal with peoples lives on earth & surrounds rather than the big intergalactic story lines.

My love of history means I enjoy documentaries/historical programs & I also like historical novels based on real events. It is also why I started tracing my family history over 30 years ago (before the days of computers/internet). Since moving here I am slowly going through all of my records adding citations, throwing out duplicates, making soft/hard copies of things. I do keep getting side tracked with finding out more about their living conditions/occupations/customs & laws.

Paws

[Doolhof]

Hi Hanna,

How about one of those clam shells that people buy kids to use for a sandpit. I had one of those once that I filled with water.

We have an old bathtub down the back that we use when we borrow some sheep to eat the grass down the back...when it grows! I am thinking of using bleach to clean the bath out and will then drag it under a tree and fill it with water to soak in on a hot day. I can then use the water on the plants.

I realise there are water restrictions so maybe that option might not work.

It is funny about how people react. I walk down the street and say hello to everyone. Some people will respond, like you wrote, others look away or even cross the street to avoid me. Ha. Ha.

I've recently started a new job. Some of the staff have been nice, others not so pleasant. I say hello to all of them as most have to walk past my desk at the end of their shift. Some are now stopping for a short chat.

While you are in the shopping centre escaping the heat, can you strike up a conversation with some of the people around you? Even if it is brief, it is an encounter with another person.

Some days I have walked into the local post office for a chat with the workers and not conducted any business while there. They haven't called the cops on me yet! Ha. Ha.

Hopefully you will connect with other people who want to have contact with people as well.

Cheers again from Dools

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws, it's been really helpful chatting to you because I've realised reading what you've said that I'm thinking I just want a quiet life too. Where I lived by the coast was very quiet, but I'd been through a period of extreme stress and just wanted quiet for a while. Then old friends told me I'd get dementia and should do more, join more things, and I was a bit lonely so I made the move to Big Inland Town. Now I feel overwhelmed by the size of it.

I also realise I'm pretty happy just doing walks with Sam, I'd love a cat, and one or two friends to meet up with at a café or dog walk. I've tried to join choirs etc but I'm finding it stressful. Maybe quiet and just being with animals and in nature is enough for me. Unfortunately it's taken this move for me to realize. Perhaps I should look at smaller towns in the area once this hot summer is over.

I think you sound great, did you watch/read the Wolf Hall series by Hilary Mantel? Family history is fascinating.

It's been a real help talking with you. It's made me focus on what I am really in need of - more quiet, nature and a couple of pals... I hope you are OK from the fires where you are.

[Paw Prints]

Hi Hanna3,

You haven't really had a good start there, so there's a chance things can improve for you. Perhaps once you have had a bit more time there, you may find yourself feeling more settled. Especially if you can find an activity you like that enables you to meet a one or two people you like.

One thing you could be doing while your stuck at home is to do internet searches of areas you might like to live in. When I decided I couldn't stay at my old place for much longer I started looking on line for areas I might like to move to. Actually I started off Aus. wide & then crossed of areas I wouldn't want to live ( tropics / outback / hot places / drought prone / big cities / too remote / growth corridors etc) & I just kept narrowing areas down until I had a few areas I liked. Then I started comparing each of those areas & the places in them, it was a really good exercise for me to settle on what was really important to me & what I did/didn't need.

I had to google Wolf Hall as I hadn't heard of it. Have you read or watched it or both? I can't remember if you have mentioned any hobbies/interests you like (sorry if you have) other than you read. What type of books do you like to read?

Thankfully I'm not near any of the big blazes. Just a couple of small fires about 20km away which are under control. Have they managed to get the fire near you controlled or is it still a threat to the town?

Paws

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws,

Good to hear you are pretty safe where you are. I think I am about as safe as anyone can be in the country at the moment but yes a megafire was not far away, we've had heavy smoke for weeks now, the RFS said outlying houses in this town could go but my address was pretty safe as I'm in the middle of town.. it's public housing so not my own home.

My problem is so many places I'd like to live are too expensive, everywhere is becoming trendy and the rents are too high - once these areas would have been cheap. But yes I thought of looking around in the Autumn. Your idea of Googling around is good, I lack the money to move anywhere at the moment so I'm pretty stuck for now. Getting very exhausted from the unrelenting heat with no aircon.

Wolf Hall was a book written by Engish writer Hilary Mantel and was made into a BBC television series with Mark Rylance (he's a Shakespearean actor) in the lead. It's about Cromwell and Henry VIII but absolutely fascinating I think you would really enjoy the TV series, most libraries would have the DVD of it as it was immensely popular.

Yes I read a lot, I enjoy music, I used to love horse riding when I was younger but would fall too hard at this age, I enjoy movies and I did train at singing ages ago. Looks like I'll be indoors due to the heat for some days yet, so I'll Google around, but being on a pension means I can't afford much rent. I'm glad it's not too hot where you are... Poor Sam's completely listless from the heat I am anxious about him. Take care in this awful heat and fire weather...

[Doolhof]

Hi Hanna, Paws and all reading,

There have been times when we have wanted to leave this small town. Times when I have hated it here.

Now I try to accept we are here and to make the most of it. The extreme heat of this summer and not having air-conditioning would certainly make any place less appealing in my opinion.

I'm wondering if there are sports grounds around you Hanna, they might still be able to water their lawns. Could be a nice place to go in the evening or early mornings.

I've just read an interesting story of a Chinese lady who went into Tibet in the late 1950s with the Chinese army and ended up wandering with a nomadic Tibetan family for decades having no idea of what was happening in the world.

True stories like that interest me. I get to experience the world through other people's eyes.

Cheers from Dools

[Hanna3]

Hi Dools,

Yes I've certainly had a bad introduction to living here - flu, drought, dust storms, heatwaves, smoke and fires... wow.

No chance of watered sports grounds unfortunately we are on extreme water restrictions here - only one small park in the town is kept alive for public morale and because the magnificent trees which are over 100 years old are too valuable to lose. Everything else is pretty much dead. I've been feeding the possums in my back garden they must be starving - they've had carrots, apples, banana and grapes from me tonight and are so frantic for food they are almost taking it out of my hand.

Could you give me the name of that book and the author as it sounds fascinating and I'd love to see if the local library here has it!

Heat here today absolutely incredible. I left a cup of water on a beside table and if you touch it the water is hot!

I meant to say Dools that I ran into a lady this evening walking her little dog in the park - I asked her why when I pass people and smile and say Hi they either give me a blank look or mostly turn their eyes away and say nothing. In the town where I lived before everyone used to say Hi as they went past walking...

She said she and her husband (who was born in the town where I now am) moved here 13 years ago from a coastal town in another state. They run a local pub here. She said they are moving back because in 13 years they haven't been able to make any friends, the locals are so unfriendly. I asked her about people turning their heads away when I say Hi going past and she said that's how people here behave and she and her husband can't take it anymore. He was born here but his old school friends won't mix with him now.

So it doesn't sound great does it? She was a pleasant friendly lady in her 30's I'd guess... oh dear.