Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

[Ggrand]

Hi I have another thread but unrelated to this.

37 years ago my husband and young son (2tears old). was living in our car for around 8 months.I was pregnant at the time. My parents disowned me when I eloped with my husband. My husbands parents were strange and we never told them we were living in the car.

I gave birth to my second son while we were living in the car. My hubby contacted his father and his Godmother who both talked us into putting our baby into foster care for a few months until we got organized, as we couldn't have a baby living in the car. After I got out of hospital my father in law told us to stay with him. Then a woman from child services came to see us and said it best to adopt our baby out.I didn't want to but I had to or we were back in the car living and would loose our baby and possibly our other young son . because father in law said it was the only way we could stay with them.

My adopted son found me and contacted me on Sunday I was to shocked to answer him back until today.contact has only been through facebook messenger. I told him i will ring him tonight around 8.30pm.

I have never told my 2 other sons about him. I don't know how to tell them.Will they hate me for doing this as I have hated myself and never forgiven myself over all these years.I have thought about him over the years especially on his birthdays. I am so very scared. Hubby died 4 years ago so I have to do this on my own.

Hubby and I decided we would never try to find him as we didn't want to upset his life..I am a complete mess as what to do..Please can someone help me.

[Ggrand]

Hello Quirky

thank you,

This week has been really hard, thank you so much for your support and help. what an idiot brain I have, I read then re read then overthink and then get it wrong. Looking back over the posts I can see I have also done this to you. it's been difficult This fear and anxiety of talking to people is destroying my mind, it's turning me into some one I don't like. My fear and anxiety has to stop now. I can't handle it anymore. you have given me great support and I know a few times I have gotten your replies mixed up and twisted around in my brain I'm really sorry.

before this journey started my depression,anxiety,guilt etc was high, today at my session/assessment it was changed to chronic/severe so this journey has taken its toll on my mh. It's knocked me down even more, changing who I am my identity.

I learned a hard lesson tonight, one I will never forget. I can only talk to you because I cannot see you, but both, you Quirky, and Whiteknight have touched my heart deeply and because of my mh I have lost Whiteknight, which is hurting.

I think if I continue while my mh has gotten this bad I'm scared in my sons eyes they will think I am trying to control them(like their father did).... at least I did try, ( with a lot of your help)..(and others) .. for now I've got to get my mh under control first before I hurt anyone else as I'ts spiralling out of control.

Thank you for your kindness

GG

[white knight]

Dear GG

Lovely lady, you havent lost me, no way.

The truth is my wife and I have toiled physically for tow days preparing our vegie garden. When I'm physically tired my bipolar mood is much worse. When this happens I generally stay off the forum until I've recuperated. But, you have been a special person so I replied...why?

I have a wonderful daughter, a teacher with anxiety. My younger one (24) I dont see, brainwashed by her mother. While I havent been in your situation I do have empathy, I think you've been through hell and back.

You have been brave. Yesterday, I was trying to suggest you take another step, to reveal to all family members your struggles and ask for their patience. Its totally up to you if you do so but it will reveal relief for them as they will join the fots better and secret cause guilt in us.

sometimes females are better than males in answering posts. I understand fully the feeling of fear when you felt anger in my words considering your past experiences with your ex.

So my intention was to bow out for that reason...but I wont. I'd be thrilled to continue on as we were.

Im so happy you've been reading my threads and also maharaji. That means a lot to me.

I didnt know the extent of treatment you were getting. Of course your psychs advice is priority. But snippets of ideas you can consider from us is healthy also.

We go through life as damaged goods. We struggle with relationships especially with the written word...so easy to misunderstand. But with some people in the world we can have faith in, trust, endure and feel calm.

I hope I am one of those people.

Because you are.

Tony WK

[quirkywords]

GG

You have nothing to be sorry for. I overthink a lot of the time and it is something i am working on. I have often misunderstood others words because I have been tired. I can relate to certain words upsetting me and reacting to me especially as a parent.

You have been through so much in last few months and you are brave and strong and you keep going, It takes a strong person to admit they need help and be aware of their problems and keep on trying to get better. That is why I admire you so much you have dealt with so much and keep dealing with issues and you keep going.

I am learning so much from you and Tony. I have read your posts on other threads and you are always kind, wise and compassionate to others.Tony has wisdom and experience and kindness.

As Tony has said it so well, "we struggle with relationships especially with the written word. But with some people in the world we can have faith in trust endure and feel calm"

He hopes he is one of those people and he is, and I hope I am too, and you are too. I wish you could find some of that compassion for yourself. I see you so differently than you see yourself. You are being so honest with us here and sharing your struggles in a way it well help others who have not yet found their voice. That is a great gift because you will make others feel they are not alone.

There are many people here silently reading and cheering you on.

I think you hurt yourself not others as you care for everyone else but not yourself.

Have faith in yourself like Tony said he does and I do too.

Kind thoughts

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello WhiteKnight,

I am extremely grateful that you will stay with me. Thank you very much.

In the thread "suicide why not". I opened up to DB well I call it a "degrading " part of my life. anyway distracting myself from memories of that by writing to you now.

While I have a fear of people in general, men terrify me if they look at me or worse still if they go to talk to me, wow once when I was out shopping I collapsed and was taken to hospital because my arms twisted out of shape and I couldn't move them. Drs told me I was hypoventalating, explained to me what caused it. That's never happened again thanks to mindfulness (learnt here) well trying to learn it. I will keep trying to learn it, it's invaluable to me.

WK, you are the first man that I have been comfortable with and talking to. In a way you are helping me to heal in that area, you are so kind to me and not many men have been, my post will explain it all, my son c even though he is my son is a man a stranger. which makes it harder for me. Thursday of next week a physiatrist is flying down from Sydney (male) to assess me and try to help, this I was told is a must do for me, and I am so stressing out, I don't want to do this my physiatrist ( female will sit in with me ). but I will. Why? This might sound strange but because you are a man and a kind one, I haven't seen you, probably couldn't speak to you face to face but writing to you and your kind replies has been a start and I'm drawing on some strength from that. as I said earlier you are helping me.

I am so pleased you haven't given up on me, you and Quirky are one of those people that I do draw strength from and have faith in , and believe in your words and trust your replies and I do give them a go.

Once again WK, thank you

kind thoughts

GG

[white knight]

Hi GG

Fear of men? Now how did I guess that lol. I have a fear of some women. Brought up by a nurturing loving woman that also had a narcissistic destructive manipulating side. 7 years ago at 54yo My sister and I stopped seeing her. She ruined my first wedding in 1985 and was threatening to ruin the second. At 79yo she was handed an AVO to stay away from the park where the wedding took place. I'm a big guy but any form of bossiness frightens me. I've been a prison warder and investigator, dog ranger and bouncer but the little old ladies that point their finger and raise their voice gets me running. Funny hey.

For many years I'd written poetry but couldn't get them published so had no benefit for them. I began writing to this lady I'd met at a cemetery that had two children murdered to see if I could help her have some sort of life from losing her only two children. That was 11 years ago. I'm still writing to her.

My point is, just like there are wonderful women out there some also point the finger at me and be bossy. Just like men out there like me can be...well just like other men and flex their muscles and get frustrated, some are marshmellows inside.

So, here is a poem that I sent my friend once many years ago. I hope you like it.

HOUSE OF WAX

He was busy with the pouring

This old mans name of Max

So I toured his workplace while he toiled

This holy house of wax

There were inventors of a kind

And starlets from the stage

There were master minds of talent

From another age

There were heroes from the wars

And leaders of a group

There were figurines of wax

From every allied troop

I stopped to admire him work

His name tag read just "Max"

"You really are a marvel...

how you recreate from wax"

I focused on his one off mould

And marveled when it set

This figure of a lady

That I recently had met

Her arms were open wide

as if about to fly

I asked a simple question

I asked a simple "why"

"Because she is cradling her girls

Even though you cannot see

It is the stance she had

When they were one and three"

He continued to work away

As the making of the sign did end

And I was in total or

Of the image of my friend

He rolled out the final cast

To place at the mothers feet

This house of wax creator

That I was glad to meet

He placed the sign just right

This single cast of one

The sign read appropriately

"this is the perfect mum"...

Tony WK

[quirkywords]

Tony,

Thank you for sharing .

The poem brought a tear to my eyes.

I am afraid of people called quirky!!

I don't fear based on gender but based on how people make me feel.

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello again WhiteKnight and Quirkey,

I have read I think all the poems you have shared here thank you,

This and the one you posted a while back for me both made me cry, they are written from your heart

You really have both have beautiful souls.

Thank you both

GG.

[white knight]

Hi Granny, I read your latest post on DB thread about your memories of abuse at the hands of your ex.

Not a nice man. I wish I could have protected you.

Memories can be torturous and debilitating. I discussed this with my lovely wife. She was married to my brother in law. So our spouses were brother and sister and they were both emotionally abusive. So we both were lucky to be able to share our pain and swap stories.

She said this morning "how do you eliminate memories, triggers? Great question

My only answer is- to pigeon hole them. Eg whenever I recall the 6 weeks of silence from my ex wife (her show of complete contempt) I'd say out loud "mongrel". We had two young children, I worked 3 jobs so she could be the homemaker but still she cared not.

The problem of bad memories is that while you GG is doing the right thing like distraction, our minds fall into the memory bucket and those memories are so vivid and cruel we have been effected so much by them.

We either find a way of letting them slide with the pigeon hole idea or accept that triggers come and go from time to time.

Grab a texta. Write on small rocks your memories of abuse, throw them in a river or the bin or bury them. Physical action can help sink in. Then when you get a trigger recall how you buried it. Say out loud "I buried that"

Losing control of ones mind is no fun. Our minds need to get balance to operate with the least pain. So, abuse on one side of the weighing scale, happiness on the other. On the happiness side proactive activities that fill your mind with ...a life. Passive sports, friends, hobbies, work, project, music, get a dog, cooking

But above all lovely Granny, these waves of memories come and go, when they come the positive is?...they will go.

The abuser wont defeat you. You have won. You will survive. You have reclaimed your life and memories although locked into your mind can be smothered.

Its just not an easy task.

Google

Topic: focus and never ever give up- beyondblue

Topic: feeding your brain- beyondblue

Topic: 6 tips for helping the mind- when things dont sink in- beyondblue

Tony WK

[quirkywords]

GG

I am sorry these memories are upsetting you. Tony has given you ideas that can help.

I used to write things down that upset me and I would burn the paper and see it all end up as ash. It gave me some closure.

You have been through such a ot but you have survived and you are surviving. You are a lot stronger than you think.

Do you have any positive memories you can think of.

I am so proud how you have coped with abuse and some challenging things from the present.

You have 3 great sons and grandchildren who love and admire what you have done for them.

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello WhiteKnight,

Thank you very much for being caring and reading my post and kind enough to reply here,

I have read the suggested reads but will need to read and re-read them a few times until it sinks in and stays in and I can understand better, That wasn't the first time this has happened over the last few years, just about every household chore has painful memories for me, but this time it was the worse, Yesterday/last night I was fighting so hard just to still be here. It was so painful, The memories are becoming more hurtful each time.

I can relate to the silent treatment, makes you feel so degraded, invisible like a soulless person. I am learning and understanding a little about you, I admire the way you are so possative about everything and got on top of it..that must have been hard. really hard.

I will definitely do the rock writing and throw my memories away, something has to work for me it really has to. I realise after reading this that I will always have these flashbacks/memories , I'm going to have to try and except that, but you said that: these waves of memories come and go, when they come the positive is? They will go.. I needed to hear that, thank you. I'm not 100% sure of what pigeon hole effect is,

Balancing out my mind, I will need to get my anxiety healed so I can at least get myself outside and go for a walk, I'm not lazy WK I just cannot get even a slight interest in doing anything .

You teared me up when I read ""that you wished you could have protected me,"". I have met a true friend in you, someone that cares, It feels good to know you are here WK your words calm me down, thank you,

Kind thoughts

GG

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