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Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi I have another thread but unrelated to this.

37 years ago my husband and young son (2tears old). was living in our car for around 8 months.I was pregnant at the time. My parents disowned me when I eloped with my husband. My husbands parents were strange and we never told them we were living in the car.

I gave birth to my second son while we were living in the car. My hubby contacted his father and his Godmother who both talked us into putting our baby into foster care for a few months until we got organized, as we couldn't have a baby living in the car. After I got out of hospital my father in law told us to stay with him. Then a woman from child services came to see us and said it best to adopt our baby out.I didn't want to but I had to or we were back in the car living and would loose our baby and possibly our other young son . because father in law said it was the only way we could stay with them.

My adopted son found me and contacted me on Sunday I was to shocked to answer him back until today.contact has only been through facebook messenger. I told him i will ring him tonight around 8.30pm.

I have never told my 2 other sons about him. I don't know how to tell them.Will they hate me for doing this as I have hated myself and never forgiven myself over all these years.I have thought about him over the years especially on his birthdays. I am so very scared. Hubby died 4 years ago so I have to do this on my own.

Hubby and I decided we would never try to find him as we didn't want to upset his life..I am a complete mess as what to do..Please can someone help me.

279 Replies 279

Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Tess....I feel really bad your name should be on my previous post...Iโ€™m so very sorry I forgot to put your name there...my bad๐Ÿ™‡โ€โ™€๏ธ.....

Keypi..Thank you for your beautiful words as well...Iโ€™ll find my fight, if I loose it..Thank you so much for the warm hugs...Thank you for being here for me..your a special, kind, caring person Keypi...I hope you are doing okay..

I should have said...tears are from your beautiful words...Iโ€™m doing okay...

Thank you all again...

and sending more love and hugs to everyone..๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿค—.l


Community Member

Hi Grandy,

I know that right now it doesn't seem ok but we are here and I will hold your hand if you like ๐Ÿ™‚ I know you have plenty fight left in you and I know that you can get through this, it's just the next step is all you need to think about one step at a time.

I feel sad that you have been so hurt these past few days I really wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug, and then sit with you while we drink a warm milo (well that's my beverage, please tell me yours). We will both make it through I know we can.

Look after yourself and we look forward to hearing from you soon,

Keypi ๐Ÿ™‚

Community Champion
Community Champion

just checking on how you are going, Grandy.

I have seen on another thread you are doing the cbt course and well done for sticking to it.

Take care


Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Quirky, Deebi, Keypi ,and all..

Thank you for checking in on me Quirky....Yes Iโ€™m doing a 6 week course..Iโ€™m finding parts very hard, especially the thought challenge...Iโ€™ll get their sooner or later..

Im a lot confused and unable to make a decision whether or not to send this letter...

I have written the letter it took me a long time to do so...I can send it when ever I feel up to doing so..

I have a problem with this....I am thinking now that if I send it I will be disrespecting his wishes... am I? He doesnโ€™t know I have his address...If the letter comes back to me unopened I donโ€™t think I can go through anymore of being rejected....if the letter doesnโ€™t come back Iโ€™ll be waiting for the postman to deliver one from him..how long will I wait with hope of hearing from him until I begin to feel rejected again.....

Do I respect his wishes and not contact him/ send the letter.....and hope one day tomorrow that he might change his mind....or do I send it and prepare myself for more rejection......and hope that he will contact me after he reads my letter.....

The letter is only one of understanding, saying that I am sorry he feels the way he does, and I am trying to understand his feeling the best I can.......and that I am and will be always here for him and his family if he needs me...

Im really very unsure what to do....

Love and hugs.


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey sweetyheart and everyone โ˜บ

That's a heartbreaking situation to be in beautiful lady.

I completely hear you about going through potential rejection again geesh I really hope not.

Imo Grandz you've given it a reasonable amount of time and its beautiful what you're saying to him so my thoughts although nerve racking for you is to send that darlin.

Sigh I wish you didn't have so much unfair pain. You're so deserving of love.

Whatever you decide sweety I'll be by your side ๐Ÿค always.

Much love dear friend ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜š๐Ÿ•Š๐Ÿ’‘๐Ÿ’œ

Community Champion
Community Champion


Thanks for letting us know how you are.

I suppose only you know in your heart what you feel is right.

I know of parent and adult child estrangements that have been healed or harmed with a letter after no contact was asked for.

It is difficult.


Community Member

Hello lovely lady ๐Ÿ™‚

I've been reading some of the posts in this long thread. I get you - I'm a mum who's lost to adoption too. For me it's 31 years. Wondering if you're still around in here? Would love to chat if you'd like to.

All the best


Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Laurie..

Yes Iโ€™m still around..I did read your thread when you first posted and o much wanted to join in the conversation..but I couldnโ€™t and Iโ€™m sorry about that...Itโ€™s that every time I read or hear the word adoption a huge amount of guilt and sadness envelopes me....

I felt your pain so much when I read your thread and felt so undeserving to talk to you...and didnโ€™t know how to....

The pain and heartache never leaves me/us...Iโ€™m deeply sorry that you lost a child through adoption...

Im okay to talk about it...most times..and am here whenever you feel you would like to talk here on your thread when you feel like talking...

Kind thoughts..with love and hugs dearest Laurie..๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿค—..


Community Member

Hello Grandy ๐Ÿ™‚

Thank you for replying to my post. I can tell it wasn't easy for you & totally understand, so I'm even more touched by your response. Your kind offer of talking with me in here comes at a price, I know.

Often I don't want to think about this aspect of life at all, ever again, so I get it why you didn't respond to my primary post. Sometimes I can't say anything as the words choke in my heart; perhaps you know what I mean.

I'm not clear as to why you felt undeserving to write to me though - we are peers, dear lady, equally inhabiting the same area of society, enduring the same agonies - please always feel free to say whatever you wish to me and I will listen because who you are is valuable & precious... I know about the shame & the fear & the pain so with me these things are not an issue because we're in the same boat :). It is absolute truth that we are not too much, not too little, we are beautiful and we are worth fighting for. Feel free to talk to me just as you are :).

Today's been rough partly due to my talking about things in here. I think it wisest that friendly interaction in such a public forum is the best way to go :). With chats if needed for the rough days. How about we just see how it goes? I'm not looking for counsel or anything, just companionship with someone of my own "kind", if that makes sense :). As needed we can touch on the rough stuff if it's helpful for us, otherwise I prefer that all this horror is stored in its box, with the lid firmly closed, until the lids' forced off again for a time.

I wish you all the very best. I am very sad that your son was taken for adoption & all that's happened since. Your tender heart is clear from your posts so I'm thinking that maybe your experiences have refined your values about what really matters & caring deeply about others in here in their troubled times is something I admire & applaud you for. Expressing the love we are denied giving to our children can be given in other ways - it's not the same yet somehow it helps. It seems that we are the only mums like us in here, at least openly. I feel like a target. Anyway, it's good to know you're here & I hope to earn your trust so that if you ever need to touch base for encouragement & someone to cry with you (at the drop of a heart), I'm here. I'll pop in often to say g'day but not always talk about the rough stuff - it's too hard.

Be good to you dear lady.
With much affection already for you.

Love from


Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Dear Laurie..

Im sorry itโ€™s taken me a while to reply to you..your post touched my heart deeply..

I do know what you mean about words not being able to be said easily when talking about our lost babies...I still get very emotional around this topic..and probably always I will..The shame and guilt has never left me..

Companionship/friendship sound nice..and would like that so much...to support each other, in hard times..or just to chat if you feel like it...

I will call into your thread when I feel I can...if thatโ€™s okay...

Im sorry..my words arenโ€™t coming to me...I will be back later to chat...been down now for a few days with some sad news..Iโ€™m trying to process..

I hope very much Laurie that your days are good days which you can find some happiness in...

Kind thoughts dear Laurie..with love and hugs ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿค—..