Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

[Ggrand]

Hi I have another thread but unrelated to this.

37 years ago my husband and young son (2tears old). was living in our car for around 8 months.I was pregnant at the time. My parents disowned me when I eloped with my husband. My husbands parents were strange and we never told them we were living in the car.

I gave birth to my second son while we were living in the car. My hubby contacted his father and his Godmother who both talked us into putting our baby into foster care for a few months until we got organized, as we couldn't have a baby living in the car. After I got out of hospital my father in law told us to stay with him. Then a woman from child services came to see us and said it best to adopt our baby out.I didn't want to but I had to or we were back in the car living and would loose our baby and possibly our other young son . because father in law said it was the only way we could stay with them.

My adopted son found me and contacted me on Sunday I was to shocked to answer him back until today.contact has only been through facebook messenger. I told him i will ring him tonight around 8.30pm.

I have never told my 2 other sons about him. I don't know how to tell them.Will they hate me for doing this as I have hated myself and never forgiven myself over all these years.I have thought about him over the years especially on his birthdays. I am so very scared. Hubby died 4 years ago so I have to do this on my own.

Hubby and I decided we would never try to find him as we didn't want to upset his life..I am a complete mess as what to do..Please can someone help me.

[quirkywords]

GG

I know you ill be busy this weekend with your son c and his children but I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and trust it will be a great and relaxing visit,

I am so proud of you.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Ggrand

I just wanted to know how you are and how the weekend went. No pressure just when you feel up to it.

kind thoughts

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hi Quirky.

I tried , really tried, but I am a complete failure at everything I do. Not feeling good about me, ( stopping myself from saying how I really feel about me). First hour or so I managed to hide my anxiety, fear, shame, guilt and depression, then darn it I crawled back inside myself again and so many times uncomfortable silence, I knew what I wanted to say/ask but I froze and my mind just shut down. They left a day earlier then planned, I should never have acknowledged that birth certificate he msg through fb. What was I thinking anyway that I could right a wrong. Doesn't work that way ever. My relationships with all three of my sons now is so strained. When I stuff something up I really do a top job of it. So bloody angry with myself. Why do I feel such fear around people? I never used to.

GG.

[quirkywords]

GG

I want to give you a big hug.

Was there something you liked about the visit, I understand you felt it did not go well.

People often change their plans and leave earlier.

I am sure c is glad he has met you and met his brothers.

My partner was so glad to discover his birth family.

How is your relationship with your sons strained? Are you still communicating with them. Did c say anything to you when he left?

Was it good to get to know your grandchildren.?

Do you think your son and family noticed your anxiety and fear?

Sorry for all the questions.

I am so proud you had your son to visit . The first time is usually the hardest.

Give yourself credit for hosting your son and his family no matter how comfortable you felt, you did it. So well done.

Sending kind thoughts

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello Quirky,

Its okay about questions I need to get it out

I used to get msgs or phone calls daily usually around 3 even more times a day. Haven't heard from A in over 2 months since BBQ ....B he occasionally ( rarely) msgs. I haven't seen either of them since the BBQ..(which is definitely not like b).

C said before he left that he might come back with his new wife and baby daughter one day. (Not very convincingly)

the 3 grandchildren I met are from his first marriage, they were referring to me as she when I heard them talking together I was introduced as nan, we did interacted a little,

I tried to hide it (mh) from him, I didn't want to scare him away (looks like I scared b away). Still haven't told A as yet.

Now I'm feeling at a loss what to do. I don't want this to continue the way it is, A & B are over the quick honeymoon period and are not keeping in contact with C. C told me no msgs or phone calls have been returned by them.

Not knowing how to fix this is really making things worse for me.

Kindness only to you Quirky .

GG

[white knight]

Hi GG

I adopted a saying 30 years ago from a therapist "Tony, when are you going to stop saving the world"?

Your sons interaction with their new found brother is entirely up to the 3 of them. I know as a mum you'd like them to be close but its not realistic to expect it.

I think the one big mistake comes in the form of admitting you have mental illness worries. I would write a letter and send a copy to each son explaining your limitations like communication, guilt, the result of violence, limits on communication, etc .

There is a chance they will make exceptions. If not too bad for them. They might visit shorter lengths of time next time knowing the quality of their stay lasts about 1-2 days not 3-4.

I'd also seek more counseling. This is a work in progress, your mental repair is ongoing. You need to be more open and not feel ashamed by your mh of which you have no control.

And stop blaming yourself for others distancing themselves from each other. They have the ability to ring people. All 3 do.

I dont know what your life is like at home but you might need to emetse yourself in it more to distract yourself from never ending children issues.

Tony WK

[Ggrand]

Hi WhiteKnight,

I am being treated weekly by both 2 physiatrists, my gp and a psychologist, all working together, as I'm chronic atm. I have always been the peacemaker in the family and I do not want my sons estranged from each other.

On the suggestion of others it was suggested that I tell them of my mh issues, after much thought I decided I would but I stopped at B ( that was my choice to tell after much thought) The others do not know, so their reaction is not from mh issues but from finding out about c.

Never ending children issues? They are my children and I am committed as a mum to be their for them and see that they are their for each other. We take on that role from when they are first born until I am no longer here

I read anger in you reply and feel you are judging me for trying to be caring towards them and wanting them or us to be a family unit. I won't give up on that ( if I'm wrong I'm sorry). I also feel right now while writing this that you are annoyed with me and my mh problems. I'm sorry.

Ill do my best to handle this alone.

My apologises to all.

GG.

[white knight]

Hi GG

I hope you are ok.

Youve done this before, rejecting ideas and input. That would be fine if my intent was to upset you. It isnt at all. Ive been with you from the start and my intention has always been to help not hurt, never hurt. But I accept like anyone I can use the wrong words at times.

"Never ending childrens issues" has nothing to do with your commitment to your children but everything to do with how you are finding things difficult to tackle with them. That comment has to be read in context to the rest of the sentence. So sorry for not making it clearer.

When champions here like me (we also have mh issues) answer over a thousand posts a year it isnt possible to remember every detail about every member. If you've mentioned the extent of your treatment before, I didnt recall it. Good, you are being cared for.

Distraction is recommended by me regularly. You arent the first. It is better to be occupied in interests rather than dwelling/worrying.

Im going to sign off here now and wish you all the best. You are in good hands with Quirky. Perhaps you do need a softer approach. I dont mind acknowledging that at all.

Good luck and well done in your progress to date.

Tony WK

[quirkywords]

GG

it has been a difficult weekend for you.

I know you are working hard on your problems.

I realise you are committed to your children.

I am pleased with your progress so far.

This is your real life and not a television show we people meet up and everything seems fine.

It will take time and patience.

I commend the effort you are putting in to making yourself better.

Your boys need time to process everything.

I look forward to hear how you are going.

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello WhiteKnight.

I really hope you will just once more come here.

I am so very sorry for my response to your reply, there is no excuse for it.

I had 3 sessions back to back this morning and I was feeling very defensive after them. It was just to full on.

I cant think rationally atm everything is getting blown out of contents. I have a tendency lately to talk/write without thinking first, anxiety and this overwhelming fear is distorting everything I do,say and read, not I can't seem to fully understanding properly and nothing much is making sense to me. It's making me want to do everything yesterday to get it out of my head. ( but it stays in there)

I have huge respect for you and your suggestions and have always read or listened to them, even when you have suggested them on your other threads. especially marahji sunset I have in true honesty searched out and read all your threads as I think you have good insight and suggestions and took notes on them.

your last sentence, "I dont know what your life is like at home but you might need to emetse yourself in it more to distract yourself from never ending children issues." Really hit me hard. made me feel lazy which made me hate myself even more because for the life of me I can't get myself motivated to do anything just to exhausted all the time. ((not your fault).

WhitKnight my reply and me hurting you like I did is eating away at me. I don't want you to sack me You have seen me through this hard journey from the start and you have helped me so much through it. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but I really hope you can find it in your heart to do so. I am so sorry not just saying the word sorry but really meaning it

Not sure if you will read this or if someone can let you know somehow, but I need you to read this, and I need to know if you are ok. I can't be at peace knowing I have hurt some one,

hoping you you will read this

GG