Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

[Ggrand]

Hi I have another thread but unrelated to this.

37 years ago my husband and young son (2tears old). was living in our car for around 8 months.I was pregnant at the time. My parents disowned me when I eloped with my husband. My husbands parents were strange and we never told them we were living in the car.

I gave birth to my second son while we were living in the car. My hubby contacted his father and his Godmother who both talked us into putting our baby into foster care for a few months until we got organized, as we couldn't have a baby living in the car. After I got out of hospital my father in law told us to stay with him. Then a woman from child services came to see us and said it best to adopt our baby out.I didn't want to but I had to or we were back in the car living and would loose our baby and possibly our other young son . because father in law said it was the only way we could stay with them.

My adopted son found me and contacted me on Sunday I was to shocked to answer him back until today.contact has only been through facebook messenger. I told him i will ring him tonight around 8.30pm.

I have never told my 2 other sons about him. I don't know how to tell them.Will they hate me for doing this as I have hated myself and never forgiven myself over all these years.I have thought about him over the years especially on his birthdays. I am so very scared. Hubby died 4 years ago so I have to do this on my own.

Hubby and I decided we would never try to find him as we didn't want to upset his life..I am a complete mess as what to do..Please can someone help me.

[quirkywords]

Karen,

I want to hug you and say everything will be all right.

I agree with the wonderful Dory who has a big heart.

You are kind and good . Through your writing I can feel your pain but I can also see a woman who has overcome battles and raised sons.

You have lived with your husband who was very critical and put you down, now you need to be kind to yourself. I think you are amazing.

Have you contacted a & b, maybe they think you are upset with them for meeting c and so are giving you time. Like Dory and Neil I have no idea why they would be mad at you.

I wish you could just bundle up your guilt and throw it away.

We are all here cheering for you, and as Neil says you were awesome and you are awesome. I just which you could see that too.

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello,

it's not the boys, it's me, for some reason I can't accept I've done nothing wrong..I don't know, maybe I'm just to far into the blackness that my mind won't listen and believe, I can't put it into any other words I just feel so uncomfortable, guily about the whole thing its tearing my heart apart and I am so uncomfortable with talking to any of them.

Even as a child when one of my brothers never owned up for something they done wrong, my dad would threaten the jug cord on all of us, so I would say it was me, just to get it over with so he would shut up. Oh yeah I copped the jug cord but then there would be peace for a while until he hit the beer..Even with hubby when one of the boys done wrong I would say it was me so he would shut up and leave them alone.. after a while I would think I deserved what I got because I was guilty because I should have been there at the time to stop whatever went wrong at the time.

I think that over my lifetime I have developed this guilt feeling and I blame myself for everything. I even blame myself for hubby's death and I don't know why and I can't get rid of this feeling.

With the boys, they are all getting on good as far as I know..( I'm really pleased about that). But i keep thinking that they should have grown up together and I robbed them of that..

I can't turn back the clock. I know that. but I also cannot get rid of this feeling that is really destroying my life and eating away at me..

Its really making me not want to know anything about it anymore..i want to run as far away as i can. I want to dissolve to be invisible to all three of them..

It's hard for you to understand the way I feel and what my mind is doing to me. Yet I read what you all are saying and believe me it all sounds right but my stupid dumb mind won't accept it.

I think I'm just to far gone into a dark black hole that I should just give up now.

I'm just so tired of fighting with myself all the time. I can't seem to get my.mind into a peaceful spot.

So very sorry I have let you all down.

Thank you all so much. You are all very awesome people..

[white knight]

Hello again Ggrand,

Well, how great it is your boys are together. Indivudually they will take time to settle and your lost boy now has his blood family which will be a lot if closure for him.

Your upbringing is to blame for your guilt. I know, I had it. Had, meaning I overvame most of it. Guilt has a purpose in that it compensates for error. But when its out of whack it can distort our function and ruin our lives. Its a serious illness and I'd encourage you to pursue that with your GP.

A few things you can do yourself. Relaxation, yoga, group therapy. Writing short letters to your sons of a good positive vibe. Include your love gor them and glad all is going ok and that you are there for them. Being there for them is being the best mum of all. They have their lives to live and are busy, just being available is enough for them I'm sure.

But of course they cant help with your guilt, that a personal crusade for you.

I had an inciident in a jail in 1979. It left me guilt ridden for 15 years until one night on night shift alone in a security job, I wrote a poem, it was only 4 verses long. All of a sudden the release of guilt cascaded from my tears. My guilt was gone. Writing is a powerful tool.

I dont know if it would be helpful but writing your life story and printing iff 3 copies one to each son might offliad it from your mind and provide details of why things happened.

Anyway it worked for me.

A ROCKY MILE

There are things of value

There are times of joy

But being available as a mum

Is a gift to your boys

Of guilt and worry and hurt

Life is a rocky mile

Your boys forever together

The best reason for a smile...

Tony WK

[quirkywords]

Ggrand

You have not let anyone down. We are all so proud of you.

I can relate to owning up for things I have not done, just for peace.

Tony has written a great post with helpful advice.

I think writing down your story is a good idea.

I have learnt so much from your posts as your words touch and move me., I just feel you are so compassionate and as I keep saying please use that compassion on yourself.

If you had a good friend who told you, the same story that you told us, I am guessing you would hug her and help her move out of her black hole. What do you think?

Quirky

[Float]

What an amazing story.

I was adopted from birth , now in my late 40s, I found my birth mother when I was in my mid 20s. She rejected me at birth ,she rejected me again when I found her. I have never been at peace.

You have done a wonderful thing. I wish my birth mother had been like you! Best wishes.

[Ggrand]

Hello float.

I am so truly very sorry.

Just reading what you wrote makes me really really sad for you and so very sorry.

I am not doing good at all atm but I just want to let you know that I know how you are feeling and I wish you well.

[Ggrand]

Hello.

After 7 weeks my Dr's appointment was today..New Dr again..I went to find out phyciatrist assessment outcome..I should have known no one could find it..typical country doctors. Dr said she will ring phyciatrist and get the results for my next visit.. Anxiety got to me so I said when you find it just ring me then maybe I come back..I was about to leave when she wanted to do the usual while I was there pulse blood pressure etc. Told to roll up my sleeve, well that's all it took I had a major meltdown my arms have been the subject of self harm over the last few weeks. Dr done an assessment there and told me I have major depression and anxiety with major guilt complex..After a fairly long talk I've been put on different ad meds.

I still can't answer the phone calls by my boys, but i have answered a couple of msgs. this feeling of guilt is so strong Im destroying our relationship i know that but i cant get rid of it..I have tried writing a letter to them.. that in itself is extremely difficult. I will keep trying quirky and Tony.

Tony that poem is so meaningful thank you.

2 msg that are a huge problem for me and causing me all sorts of chatter brain problems.

1..my grandsons 21st birthday and My eldest sons birthday is going to be jointly done on the 21st October which is my eldest sons birthday wich is a day before my hubbies birthday.. I really don't think I can handle going to that it's only 3 weeks away, but I will see how i am coping in a couple of weeks.

2. adopted son has asked to come down with his family in December for a week's visit so we can talk and get to know each other without other sons around. I so want this to happen I need to be able to talk to him, to look at him and not make him feel uncomfortable like I did at our first meeting..

I want me back.I want the great relationship I had with a & b back and I want a great relationship with c. I want to be able to be the mum I was only a few short weeks ago. How things can change so quickly is astonishing.

My promise to me is.

I will overcome all this and be me again. Baby steps.

Thank you BB. for that phone call yesterday. I can't thank you enough I hadn't talked to anyone in over a week and was at an all time low and just talking to someone made a huge difference.

Thank you all for being here for me..I really do mean thank you.

Karen.

[quirkywords]

Ggrand

that was so sweet what Float said about how she wished she her birth mother had been like you. That is a wonderful compliment as she can see what a great mother you are - I just wish you could see that too.

a and b and c are so lucky to have you as a mum .

I understand you are not doing well at the moment , but I am sure c would like contact and reassurance . He has reached out to you which must have been hard for him.

I wish you could forgive yourself and enjoy your wonderful family.

Quirky

[white knight]

Thankyou float for your contribution

Ggrand, its great news to get diagnosis. Without that you'd be chasing your tail.

You are worried so much. In reality son c coming to visit will be great for both of you.

Im no doctor but it seems your thoughts are out of proportion. I had such a mindset when my anxiety was out of control.

Google

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

Topic: advice please my bucket is full- beyondblue

Topic: when emotions take over logic- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Ggrand]

Hi WhiteKnight.

I think your right whiteknight.I am so darn lost and don't have control of my thoughts and my emotions are running in overdrive.What an absolutely crappy day today is.