Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Ggrand · ‎11-09-2017

Hi I have another thread but unrelated to this.

37 years ago my husband and young son (2tears old). was living in our car for around 8 months.I was pregnant at the time. My parents disowned me when I eloped with my husband. My husbands parents were strange and we never told them we were living in the car.

I gave birth to my second son while we were living in the car. My hubby contacted his father and his Godmother who both talked us into putting our baby into foster care for a few months until we got organized, as we couldn't have a baby living in the car. After I got out of hospital my father in law told us to stay with him. Then a woman from child services came to see us and said it best to adopt our baby out.I didn't want to but I had to or we were back in the car living and would loose our baby and possibly our other young son . because father in law said it was the only way we could stay with them.

My adopted son found me and contacted me on Sunday I was to shocked to answer him back until today.contact has only been through facebook messenger. I told him i will ring him tonight around 8.30pm.

I have never told my 2 other sons about him. I don't know how to tell them.Will they hate me for doing this as I have hated myself and never forgiven myself over all these years.I have thought about him over the years especially on his birthdays. I am so very scared. Hubby died 4 years ago so I have to do this on my own.

Hubby and I decided we would never try to find him as we didn't want to upset his life..I am a complete mess as what to do..Please can someone help me.

white knight · ‎19-09-2017

Hi Ggrand

I'm glad your sons accepted their brother. The biggest hurdle.

A few questions uf you feel up to it.

Are you sure they went behind your back in a negative way? Would it be possible they wanted to surprise you? 3 sons altogether for the first time might mean they meant well.

I hope you figure it all out.

Tony WK

Neil_1 · ‎19-09-2017

Hi Karen,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm still here ... I don't want to bombard you with questions, as there's been a few already, but all it is, is from very caring people here. We're all wanting to know how you are and that you are going ok??

That is our main concern here ... "you".

So much has happened in such a short space of time ... and I couldn't begin to think how you've managed to get this far and how you are feeling about it all.

I really really hope that you are feeling "some" small positiveness about all of this.

Am thinking of you, and would dearly love to hear back from you ... as we all would.

Neil

Ggrand · ‎20-09-2017

Hello,.

I feel they went behind my back without thinking about how I would feel.

Day of meeting son c and BBQ.

I was so stressed out and full of anxiety that I couldn't even strike up a conversation with c.

I have a feeling that son c thinks I'm not interested in forming a relationship with him if he wants one with me.. I do but am finding it hard to express myself and tell him how I feel.

From what a & b told me is that c. also had a violent upbringing and was kicked out of home at 15..same as what hubby done to a & b which added to my guilty feeling.

I couldn't strike up a conversation with c because I am afraid with people that I will say the wrong things to upset them and cause problems or conflict so I keep my mouth shut and keep peace.

Ok ab & c looked to me as if they were getting along really good.

That's all that really matters to me.

i feel that my relationship with a&b is strained atm. I just can't look at them because. I have lied to them their whole lives. I hidden their brother from them. Couldn't protect them enough while growing up. C went through crap as well so it was all for nothing. I don't know how to word how I feel about me atm. No words are strong enough to write or say atm.

I am home now. I can lock the world out again.

Thank you all for your support and caring..I couldn't have gotten it done without you..at least it's all in the open now and a b & c can start a new relationship with each other.

Karen.

white knight · ‎20-09-2017

Hi Katen,

Thankyou for your acknowledgement of our effort. That's so nice.

So it looks like, among the skirmish, that one goal has been reached, that your sins have united and thats going as well as can be expected.

I think time can be embraced now. Allow time to settle your mind. You know turning the clock back isnt productive. Stewing over c life isn't either, there was never a garratee of a perfect life for him in adoption.

For what its worth, your open door and open heart is a b c's greatest gift. You are their mother and you love them. Just be there for them and if they eant to visit or message you, you will be there.

Im in awe of your efforts. Rest and be proud, keep yourself busy and accept you've done your best.

I wish you well.

Tony WK

quirkywords · ‎20-09-2017

Karen,

Thanks for letting us know how you are going and how your sons are getting on.

As Tony says you need time to reflect on what has happened . You should be proud you have 3 wonderful sons and you did your best under difficult circumstance.

It is time to look forward.

You have not lied their whole lives, you did then what you needed to do and now you are helping them find each other.

Take your time , be kind to yourself and in time you will be able to enjoy your 3 sons.

Quirky.

Neil_1 · ‎20-09-2017

Dear Karen,

Thank you for your latest response.

I guess now that you’re home, you can at least settle back a bit – your own home, your own personal environment, and by the sounds of it, for what you’ve accomplished over the last number of days, I would guess you are pleased to be back at your home.

With C going through his own issues of crap and troubles growing up, that was never for you to know that that was going to happen, so you cannot blame yourself for that. I firmly believe, you aren’t to blame for anything. I am throwing all that to the person who is no longer with us, who was the catalyst for it all. If not for him, things would have been so incredibly different.

You yourself, even tried to make things right and better way back in the day, and then you’d end up being hurt physically by this man. He was the one who generated everything. From what you’ve written, it seems to me that your sons are of the same opinion and seem to have opened up somewhat to you.

I really hope for you, from now and beyond, that things will be so much different for you … so much better. You’ve unloaded about the past, which was a very courageous thing to do, and I can’t begin to think how much that would have taken out of you. But in doing that, you’ve lifted the lid on what was covered up, bottle up and hidden for so long and I really believe it’s a very good thing.

As always, please please, do stay with us, keep in contact and keep writing.

Love to hear back from you,

Neil

Ggrand · ‎23-09-2017

Been back a few days and yeah relationships with a & b are so strained atm. Phone calls, messages etc have ceased.

I know that you all said I shouldn't feel guilty but I am. When I think about the weekend that has passed I feel so physically and mentally sick.

I have spent most of this week in bed. My mind keeps asking what if I was a stronger person. Wow i hate myself for not being able to stand up and be strong enough to have said no. Without contact from my sons now I really feel like I'm sinking.

Like everything else I do or say in my life I stuffed it up, from now on i will do and say nothing I will just stay inside my little house, lock the doors, shut the blinds and stay put, that way I won't hurt anyone and I can fizzle away if i choose to.

Hubby was right all along when he said i am no good to anyone. I always thought he was right and he was.. Please don't get upset with me. because it is true.

Once again thank you to everyone that help me to get all 3 sons together it's good they have each other.

Guest_128 · ‎23-09-2017

Hi Karen,

I want to really point something out,

You have not lied to a and b. You just never had the need to. It actually is your business, and what happened way back when you were stuck in a horrible situation and it was your choice how you decided,

I do think it was totally wrong of a And b to in a way steel your thunder, It should of been between you and son c. We can not change that it is done but I feel for you,it wasn't right.

I am hearing that you are not coping, I don't understand how any of the boys would be angry or even negative,if anything they should be supporting you.

Why are you guilty,you did the absolute best you could for them all?

Why do you think a and b are not contacting you?

karen have you a good friend you could stay with for a couple of days?

sorry lots of questions.

Dory, for you💐

Ggrand · ‎23-09-2017

Hello Dory.

I'm sorry for being so negative.

I understand what your saying but I just can't get rid of this feeling of guilt and remorse..

Its drowning me slowly and eating away at me.

Thank you Dory for your kindness.

Karen.

Neil_1 · ‎26-09-2017

Hi Karen,

I back up what Dory wrote and would just like to add in (again), why would a and b (and possibly c), all be not talking, phoning or writing to you?

For the life of me, I cannot see what you’ve done wrong – in ANY of the situations that you’ve described. You’ve a heart of gold that was always wanting the absolute best for your boys. You had to raise them in a horrible situation and they’ve come through that, which is testimony to what an awesome Mum you were. And that awesome Mum has now got the three boys together, so you were awesome and STILL are awesome.

Like Dory wrote, I do really hope that you’re able to unload some of this onto someone close, but from memory, there’s not too many options around where you are??

Neil