A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[smallwolf]

Yesterday, I picked up some sleep medication, and as per directions took
these 1-2 hours before bedtime. They were fast acting. Within 30
minutes I was very sleepy and went to bed and crashed. I still woke in
the middle of the night, but was relatively easy
to get back to sleep. ie things were not ruminating in my head as they
once might have. The lack of these thoughts could be for a number of
reasons. The suicidal thoughts mentioned previously still occur each
morning, but this is just between the time I wake
up and take the next pill. Suffice to say that I am still able to work
through this by myself. (And note this is all covered in my safety
plan.)

By the way, today (at the moment) is a good day, despite the start of
day thoughts. The first time in a very long time I had a decent or
proper sleep. Not sure how long this will last though. I find that I
have good days and then bad days. And there is no rhyme
or reason why this occurs. And going to the AFL (watch the Lions lose)
tomorrow afternoon, and see how I feel after the game. If you know
anything about depression, you can lost interest in things that once
might have given you enjoyment.

Concluding remarks... I am reminded of a quote by Will Wheaton
talking/writing on depression. He said, "After I started treatment, my
wife and I were just having a walk in the neighborhood, and I realized
that it was a really beautiful day. And it was warm.
And there was this wonderful little bit of a breeze. And birds sounded
really beautiful. And flowers smelled really great. And my wife’s hand
felt really good in my hand. And we’re walking and I just started to
cry, and she was like, ‘What’s wrong?’ And I said,
‘I just realized that I don’t feel bad. I just realized I’m not
existing, I’m living.'"

I am hopeful or looking forward to the time I am living (vs existing).

Tim

PS. If you are reading this, please do not give me any psychological or medical advice.

[demonblaster]

Always listening and care Wolfy ☺🌿

[Ggrand]

Hello Smallwolf,

No psychological advise...I called in to say hello and wish you luck and wish you well.

I just read your little Quote from Wil Wheaton..when it reminded me of my day......Today I sat outside and was just watching the antics of some rather large hornets, and alone particular fly that I let bite me...

Hope tomorrow is a good day for you.

Warm hugs..

Grandy....Karen..

[smallwolf]

Thanks and opps. That was an email I sent to people in my support group. The thing is that some have done a subject in psychology and thinjs they are qualified to provide advice. And some suggest what medication I should take. I don't mind if people here provide advice. You are all ok 🙂

[Music_Freak]

I've met more than a few types like that smallwolf...they complete a first aid course and think they're now doctors...

So not referring to anyone here saying that, don't worry 🙂

[smallwolf]

Got to remember to take antidepressants before breakfast. Yesterday and today took them during and don't feel great! Light headed and sore stomach. Arrghh.

[demonblaster]

Wow powerful sounding pills there Wolfy

Glad the sleepers helping I was surprised it was so long before going to bed.

Can't say it sounds good the dizzyness.

Hope so much that you start feeling better soon Wolfy awful to have such extreme sad thoughts each morning.

Hope you're uni opportunities continue looking good for you

Always here not always in word ⚘

[CMF]

Hi Wolfy,

hope you can get that balance of Meds right. Not nice waking up with those thoughts 😞. It's interesting how people can read up on things and think they are experts. Sounds lovely Je my ex lol. Those antidepressants don't sound like much fun but hope you can work out the best time to take them.

take care

cmf x

[Guest8901]

Dear Tim

Just a quick visit to say hello and let you know I continue to watch 👀 over you, and am always listening 👂.

When it comes to ADs it can very definitely be trial and error and a series of trade offs. But the same applies to any medications.

I've been lucky with my ADs I think, in that its all been pretty smooth running to date. And thankfully, I think I'm even starting to feel some benefits emerge. 😄 You will too.

And in the meantime, the account of your experiences, told so beautifully here, will be of great benefit to others reading.

Thanks Tim. 🌾

Amanda 💜

[PamelaR]

Hello Wolfy

Oh my. It's been awhile since i visited your thread. You're not sounding the best. Hope you get everything sorted with your psychiatrist.

Just a few questions for you. No pressure to answer.

The dreams you are having. Are you able to just let them go when you wake? A bit like turning a switch, like turning the TV off, saying I don't want to watch this or remember it?

Your GP doesn't sound very supportive. She sounds exactly like a woman doctor I saw who was trying to get be back to work before I was ready. My psychologist put me on to a doctor that truly supports people with mental health issues. Are you able to or do you want to change doctors? My thoughts are what she is trying to get you to do is actually detrimental to your recovery.

Do you like herbal teas? I can't drink coffee after 12am otherwise I'll be awake all night. So I have a cup of calming tea (contains chamomile) or bedtime.

How's your family? A, your mum, your kids? They must be really worried about you. I know I am. I'd like to be there to hold your hand and tell you, you'll be okay soon.

Let us know how you're travelling Tim. Please.

PamelaR