A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[smallwolf]

Pamela,

I also hope to get things sorted with the psychiatrist.

The dreams were few, but are still vivid. It is only the last one that I (can) replay while awake. Can I turn it off? It is diminishing, but not as fast as one might like.

With the exception of the blood tests (get results tomorrow) my GP will be stepping back a little as the psychiatrist takes the lead. All three people, my GP, psychologist, and psychiatrist all know this is a day by day thing, and will re-evaluate next week. And they all don't want me to revert to where I was previously. But if, how, when and all those other questions are between me and the psychiatrist. Even if I were to resign today, I still have to hand over information. So would rather do it slowly.

Don't mind herbal teas! Not sure if there are any in the house at the moment, and in any case, a hot chocolate at night is really nice.

The family is fine. On the weekend, my son had to the look at my work email because that was linked to his xbox account - the other emails addresses (home, etc) for some reason did not work. Anyway, I had to be in the other room while he looked at it. And even though I was in the another room, I had to breath my way through it until it was closed, and then after for a little bit. Still a trigger.

Been talking to "A" (wife) about the effects of anti-depressants. Depending on when I have them get different side effects. I need to remember to have them before breakfast, AND NOT DURING. As always, parents are supportive, without getting all the gory details. Spent a couple of fridays with them... help with the shopping, then lunch at their place, chat, etc., before heading home.

Maybe as I said in my epistle above each day on the antidepressants have different reactions. Some days I think I am better, and then the next few days are like 'NOPE!'... you are the not better and 'crash' again. That's why it is a day to day thing. And an average day is the feeling of just existing without emotion. These are all things that I hope to raise with the psychiatrist, but the length of the sessions are short, and need to get the best bang for my buck. My psychiatrist even said that I might be on the wrong drugs, but you don't really know unless you try them?

I will keep you informed in the days ahead.

Tim

[PamelaR]

Tim

Thank you for giving me a full update. Much appreciated. When I read some of your posts on my iphone I became a little concerned for you. As you say, you don't know how you'll be from one day to the next. Today, you seem to me to be the old Tim I know. So that is good (for me and for you too I assume).

Love hot chocolate, but it doesn't like me unfortunately. So herbal teas are the go.

Good to hear the family is fine and you're being supported.

Will wait to hear further from you. Be kind and gentle to yourself, even on those off days.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Ggrand]

Hello Tim,

Im just calling in to see how you are feeling. I hope you are reasonable well.

I had so much trouble with my ADs 5 different lots the last lot was by psychiatrist, they working okay most days but, they are putting weight on me..He asked me what would I prefer, my BP2 depression cycles more rapid then what they are or a few extra kilos..I told him the cycles...he looked stunned at my decision..but I'm still on the ADs just decreased them...

I really hope you are managing a bit, and tomorrow will be better then today..

Warm hugs..🤗🤗,

Grandy..xx

[smallwolf]

Today, I am OK. The suicidal thoughts have not disappeared totally... yet. But I am a lot better than where I was a few weeks ago. I just have to take things a day at a time. On Monday I have psychologist, and then on Tuesday the psychiatrist. I will have better idea then.

Actually, I got a haircut today. I have used the same guy for the last few years. He asked me how I was. I said that depended on what answer you wanted. He said the honest answer. And so I told him that I was on stress leave, and then about my mental health journey. He said that he was proud of me, had great respect for, for being able to identify a problem and dealing with it. Men and mental health are not words that generally go together. So while I was getting my haircut we were talking about mental health. I did not intend to have that conversation but it just sort of happened.

Putting aside any work people, there are a few people who are genuinely interested in how I am going, who I let know after Tuesday. And that will include you and others here on BB. It will only be the second session with the psychiatrist so not really sure what to expect.

The sleep medication has been somewhat effective. The anti-depressants are a bit hit and miss. Some days good, and some not so. Some days had crawling skin feeling or sore stomach or light headedness or ???? This will be a discussion with the psych on Tuesday.

Oh, and depression and ADs has resulted in a weight loss for me. I made a joke of this with the GP. Not funny! My psychiatrist also asked me about weight changes, and relayed the conversation I had with the GP. She thought it was funny. Need to find humor in the darker moment in life.

See what tomorrow brings. Hugs back at you.

Smallwolf

[CMF]

Hey Wolfy,

thx for the update. I love the conversation with the hairdresser. How liberating and how great that he was open minded and understanding. It gets that little bit easier when you feel supported. I'm happy for you there. A few girls at work know I have anxiety. It's good cos I can walk in and tell them and don't have to pretend. Good to hear the sleep Meds are helping.

hope today is a good day for you and the session goes well Tuesday.

cmf x

[smallwolf]

CMF,

It is definitely better when you can be honest how you are going and not having to put on a mask.

My "only" issue at the moment is this caring vs not caring. And unfortunately the not caring is winning. The anxiety is reducing but that is cause I am not "working". I know I am not ready to return. My triggers still get me. But hopefully the psychiatrist will work out a way that I can help work but get better. The worst of it is they are completely dependent on me getting better. But I have a plan. A way out. So I can regain my life.

[demonblaster]

Hey Wolfy I've been meaning to get back before this but know I'm always listening and care a lot

Glad you're in a better place than a few wks ago and to hear by the sounds the bad thoughts are at least reducing. I can relate to the feeling of existing but not living it's empty feeling that way. I'm hopeful you'll find life better with the changes happening and Uni.

Your anxiety reducing sounds good, you maybe able to make even more progress while it's lower, hope so anyway. It acts as a wall blocking a lot of clear thought process

Often when we least expect things that they happen I've noticed including good luck like with the hairdresser, fantastic to hear, he sounds like a decent bloke. I hope you got some comfort in release.

Those side affects don't sound good Wolfy if it's from the pills lets hope it settles. You mentioned needing to remember to take pills before eating do you think a ph: alarm could help or you may be ok now remembering.

You have a plan to regain your life. You know it sounds like they really need you which I feels a credit to you. If you returned to work could it be on your terms if there's a way to reduce the stress or could part time be an option.

Hope your Uni activities are going well for you and that you get the research thingy that you said will be invaluable learning shame unpaid but sounds like it'll still be a good thing

Ok gotta choof soon had a nagging headache all day and haven't got the right pills for it.

Best for tomoz and Tues 🤗 I'm getting in on the hugs

Nigh night all ☺

[smallwolf]

DB,

There are lots of things I need to consider. Not all of which I will divulge here (at least yet). My psychologist appointment this morning was cancelled (not by me). So that has been rescheduled to Saturday. Probably a good thing? I have really been struggling with the homework I was given. Maybe I was/am just a really harsh marker of myself. Need to motivate myself to start my next assignment. Stomach Pain. Spending morning at home. See how I go. From the last GP visit, I was asked if I had spent time at home. At that stage, not really. So seeing how I cope today. Nearly 11am... Loneliness is suffocating. At least I have some feedback for psychiatrist tomorrow. Might play lotro for a little bit. Come back later and type some more when I care.

Tim

[Music_Freak]

You sound a bit down, which is disappointing that you feel that way. No one here deserves it. Hopefully it's just a speed bump in mood. I know that happens to me a lot 🙂

I am also SO glad that I'm not the only one who suffers bouts of stomach pain. I've thought I was losing my marbles on more than one occasion, when it's happened. It gets really bad at times 😞 I've put mine down to anxiety/stress after tests at my doctor's. Is that what yours is, Tim, or something medical?

[smallwolf]

I hope it is a speed bump. I thought I would try to spend day at home instead of going to Uni (safe place).

Without talking to psychiatrist, I will put it down to a side effect of the anti depressants. I am fairly certain of that. Get tired easily also. So I don't think it is stress related.

Tim