A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[CMF]

Hey Wolfy,

How'd the psych appt go? Good to hear someone is looking out for other opportunities for you. The first one didn't sound too organised. Hope something comes through for you.

CMF x

[Ggrand]

Hello Smallwolf,

Just calling in to say hello, and find out how you have and are feeling...and hope you psych visit went okay..

Warm hugs

Grandy..

[smallwolf]

DB and Grandy,

Yes. The first guy is a bit disorganised. But I should have known that from previous conversations and what others have commented.

The psychiatrist appointment actually went ok. She has a similar sense of humour to me which helps. I was prescribed some medication for sleeping, and doubled the antidepressants. So I felt a bit funnier earlier today. And right now not 100 percent. Hopefully the dreams won't come back! Have to get blood tests done. And seeing doctor again tomorrow. At the moment taking things on a day by day basis. The psychiatrist will review in 2 weeks and determine what to do then. She is very supportive and helpful so no complaints yet. I have been lucky with all people. Might post more when I get home. But light headed now.

[PamelaR]

Haven't posted much here lately Wolfy. But following your story and life.

Fingers crossed for you re blood tests. Sure all is well. Glad you had some 'funny' sides to today. Really good to hear.

You are an amazing person. You give so much! Awesome trait. Now it's your time!!

Be kind to yourself.

Thinking of you

PamelaR

[demonblaster]

Wolfy Hiya ☺

Haha helps when they click with our humour doesn't it, glad it went ok.

Be careful you mentioned being light headed avoid getting up too quickly and bending just take it all nice and slowly

Good glad you have something to help with sleeping it makes such a difference and hoping the extra meds kick in favourably.

Yes I too have to get my blood tests organised.

So glad you're happy with the psychiatrist

Want you to be well Wolfy and agree with our lovely Pammy hi hun 🤗 you help so many, you're very appreciated

All the very best to you Wolfy man 🕊

[smallwolf]

Time for my weekly download... On train heading back home. Spent day with parents. That was good. And now for no reason have gone back into a melancholic mood. Was it the beer I had? It would be so much easier to deal with if I knew what was going on. My GP visit yesterday was fine. Just annoyed that I have to take this on a day by day basis. In 2 weeks see the psychiatrist again as well as the psychologist. Struggling to work out how to align the scores of how I rate my values with my goals. In some areas there was such a divergence! It's odd (?) how this disease changes everything. I have become more sensitive to others and similarly more critical. But as I talk to others I find that I am not the only person with depression related issues. Worse yet, I have had very few days where I have not had a day free of any issues where work had to email me. Why can't they figure it out themselves. And some days I feel better and the next I feel like crap. I have these stats in my head I need to get rid of. Things like suicidal thoughts per day and physical symptoms and work matters per day. Only so I can pass this information onto my doctor's.

Did blood tests. See how good or bad the results are in a couple of weeks.

I got all my new medication today. The ATMs in the shopping centre were not working. None of them. They had that problem fixed after 15 min. Didn't know what I was going to do without my antidepressants etc. For those few minutes i was (internally) panicking.

Here is the stupid thing - if I am "around" people who are supportive then I am ok. But other environments are becoming problematic.

See what tomorrow brings. End of entry.

[CMF]

Hi Wolfy,

I'm glad your visits went well and yes, it is frustrating when we cant figure things out. The ups and downs i think are pretty normal. What would happen if you did not respond to work? Set up an automatic reply that says you are not able to help and to seek an alternative solution. Is that an option at all? Or can you restrict the amount of time you give to them, considering you are meant to be on a break from work?

I understand the feeling of being ok around supportive people, it's probably because you feel safe cos they are supportive. The other possibility could be that they genuinely make you feel good/better. If this is the case, you need to spend more time around these types of people. How do you feel after being around them? Do you continue to feel good or do you feel crap again?

cmf x

[smallwolf]

CMF,

Hi. Will respond to each point you made. Or I will try.

Psychologist wanted me to have a total separation from work. My GP said I should be able to pass on or provide critical information. And contact through single person. In the main it is working but it does increase the stress levels to something more than I like when they get me almost daily. Whether something they send me is critical or not... But I think they take the easy way out sometimes.

My work email does have an automated reply. Been avoiding that quite easily. It is just my private email now.

The other thing is that I like plans and control. And I like plans on plans.

When I was at the doctor last, she spoke to me about transitioning into work. This is something I will work out with the psychiatrist in less than 2 weeks. I know that I will not be returning to anything full time.

The antidepressants take time to get used to. And still within that period. But to answer your question... I feel ok when around supportive people. But later on I can easily feel flat. Again might be getting used to medication. Might be wrong medication. So many unanswered questions.

As an aside... I got an answer to a question from my psychiatrist. Just something about my early life. Answers and explanations are good for me. Might be nothing. But at least my psychiatrist can consider it.

[Emmy.]

Hi Smallwolf. I’m sorry that I’ve not been on your thread for a while. Happy to read that all went well with your psychiatrist. How are you finding the changes with the increase in your ADs? And I’m hoping the dreams have not returned. Hope you have a nice weekend, and be open to taking things day by day. It can make life a lot easier to just live in the moment rather than overthink the future, or look back and dissect the past. Hugs. Emmy x

[smallwolf]

Below is an email I sent to work and people in my support group. Hope someone might get something from this.

If you are readings this, please know that I will be (brutally) honest about myself in any topic. Note there are somethings that I spare you the details of, as these are matters (topics) between my medical people and myself. This is more to protect you than me. For example, my parents didn't and don't want to know the contents of the dreams I had. So I will not tell them. Also, this is also for my benefit so that I will remember how things have been between visits to either the psychologist or psychiatrist. It also allows me to get some perspective of how things really are.

Saw my regular doctor on Thu. This was just a review to see how I was tracking. The upshot of this was that she can step back a bit and let the psychiatrist take the lead, and otherwise take this on a day by day basis. She also raised the matter of transitioning back into work, whatever that means. This would have to be a gradual thing, but is really going to be a discussion between psychologist, psychiatrist and myself (and work) as to how this might work. To understand this statement you need to read the rest of the email.

And on taking things, on a day by day basis... if I am being honest, I don't really like; if you have a broken arm, you know how long it will take to mend. But with something like this, there is no foreseeable end point (yet). The physical side effect of the anti-depressants are lessening, but have not disappeared. The suicidal thoughts have not disappeared, but these were mostly when I would wake up in the middle of the night, and then first thing in the morning. There is some good news on this front.

My psychiatrist told me to stop drinking coffee after 4pm. It might have contributed to my anxiety? This one thing I could use to calm me, was working against me! So I now have a hot chocolate after dinner. This has helped to resolve the re-flux issue. It is still present but no where near as bad as it was. However, I would say that not drinking coffee at night did not stop me from waking in the middle of the night or having bad thoughts. I needed the sleep medication to fix that problem (see below).

Had blood tests on Friday. This was something my GP and psychiatrist wanted. Will find out the results in just over a week (I hope) when I see the psychiatrist next.