A Common Story?

[smallwolf]

I was reading a couple of the other introductions earlier and could see a lot of myself in their stories. I am the generally the one that helps everyone, the one that has all the answers, the one that puts on a brave face, when underneath it is all turning to crap.

My anxiety ... future telling, finding problems that don't exist and my mind goes over and over these again and again. I know these thoughts are irrational and emotive, and yet these thought don't leave my head. I know that I am loved by family, but I just don't feel it or don't deserve it. Yin and Yang... one part of my head thinks irrationally and the other (logical side) know that it should not be the case.

With my psychologist started a happy memories session yesterday. Going through it I ended in tears. As helpful as it was, it seemed like one of the few memories in my life that seems to get overtaken by every other problem in a sea of black and those happy memories fade away. (I work from home as a software developer and have always been logical, even if a glass half empty. There is little/no thanks in the work I do anymore.)

I am tired and despondent in feeling this way. I hope that I am not complaining too much. Just want to know that I am not alone.

[monkey_magic]

I hope you live too smallwolf!!! For me I've always had to be active to feel like I'm living, be outdoors that sort of thing or have a love life...or..be an adrenaline junkie lol...I'm sorta struggling within myself and I'm finding comfort in your story. I too have been down the path of meds...not anymore though. Perhaps there's a suitable one out there for me..but, just going at it without for now...good luck with them 🙂

[demonblaster]

Same Wolfy as what Hi magic said I too want you to live too, mean it!

I like what you do and how you keep going you don't give up. You're an inspiration to many I know and myself included

You give hope to people you help them with your sound wisdom and care, please keep on and I want to give some of your hope back to you.

I want you to have peace in your life ⚘ this is one of my favourite flowers, hope you like it

Care

[smallwolf]

Me again!

Just before I cause any more concern, my reference to living and hopefully was to be a better state that I am currently. There is a difference between existing and living. I may have mentioned somewhere reading a article about Will Wheaton and depression. Here is part of that article...

After I started treatment, my wife and I were just having a walk in the neighborhood, and I realized that it was a really beautiful day. And it was warm. And there was this wonderful little bit of a breeze. And birdssounded really beautiful. And flowers smelled really great. And my wife’s hand felt really good in my hand. And we’re walking and I just started to cry, and she was like, ‘What’s wrong?’ And I said, ‘I just realized that I don’t feel bad. I just realized I’m not existing, I’m living.’

I WANT to LIVE rather than merely EXIST.

[Emmy.]

Hi Smallwolf. It’s a funny thing how quickly appointments go isn’t it. All the lead up and anticipation, and then it’s over. I hope you feel you had enough time with your GP - you can always ask for longer consults if you need to. I’m glad that your body is slowly adjusting to the new medication. And it’s great that you recognised the effects the medication was having and told your GP. The thoughts unfortunately may take a little longer but working with your psychologist and soon the psychiatrist you should soon have a lot of skills to help with the thoughts. Like you said on my thread. One day at a time. And my GP gave me the best advice once, it may help you too, for the really bad days to “take it one hour at a time”. It’s actually become my little mantra, if I can just make it through this hour. Only focus on what has to be done in that hour. Be gentle with yourself Smallwolf. There will be ups and downs. But soon the downs won’t be so frequent or so far down. You’ve got this! Can relate to wanting to live, not just existing... sometimes it feels like all we do it just survive from one day to the next. But keep holding onto hope Smallwolf.

[demonblaster]

Nigh nite Wolfy

🌟

[smallwolf]

Let's try to end this week with a positive post...

While I am still (!) getting the odd email from work I know what works and what doesn't. Working from home is a no go. So I put off replying til I got to Uni the next day. Nuff said.

Effects of antidepressants lessening which is good. But again this is a day by day thing. Who knows what tomorrow brings.

Quirky, you asked about my writing here... It acts as a journal in a sense. I can get objective feedback. There is a support element to it. A way of getting thoughts out of my head.

The good news part is that I might/likely have a research assistant role at Uni. Unpaid, but will be talking to people at Uni next week, and the experience would be invaluable. Fingers crossed.

And special thank you to... Birdy, Croix, Chloe, Grandy, Pamela, Mandy, DB, monkey_magic, music_freak, cmf, and Emmy. Apologies if I have left anyone out, but my online support team is A1.

[CMF]

Wolfe,

so good to year you realised what's not working. It's a start. The position at the uni sounds great. What an opportunity. I reLly hope it comes through for you.

i loved your post about 'living' rather than 'existing'. I can relate and It was beautiful. I hope you can experience more of the same now you know what hat feeling is like.

cmf x

[Croix]

Dear Smallwolf~

It's a brave thing to change from a job you know and brings in income. Even though it may seem necessary I think you are generous by supplying that important information, and I hope that does not have to go on for too long or give you too hard a time. I also think it is wise to postpone answering until you can focus on other things.

In a lot of ways IT has a built-in disadvantage. Most people do not appreciate the hard work or creativity needed - and act accordingly. I guess they must think it is magic. If you were in the pyramid building business laying one stone block on top of another your work would be understood and admired for quite lengthy periods:)

Unis are full of little snippets of jobs, mainly during semester and just after. Tutoring is one that comes to mind. If you get that research assistant position even though it is unpaid it is a great foot in the door. The Student Union is another hopeful area. I'm sure I'm just saying what you know already. Good luck with it.

Croix

[smallwolf]

Hey all,

Psych appointment today did exercise where listed things important to me in different areas of life and how I rates these and how close I was to goals. I am a hard marker. Homework then is working out out how to align scores with goals. So I was on a bit of a downer for the rest of the day.

The meeting didn't quite go as intended. Not sure if "he" knew exactly what he was looking for in terms of a research assistant, in terms of what is in the boxes he had to sort through.

Then had a chat with another person about different possibilities and that one was slightly better. This person knows me quite well and will let me know if any jobs are on the radar.

So, all is not lost.

I have my first psychiatrist session tomorrow. Slightly nervous about that. At the same time I might get some idea if not closure about myself. Having read a book written by a psychiatrist I know that it can take some time. The journey continues.

[demonblaster]

Glad to see some doors look like they're opening Wolfy

Right here with you

Thank you and you're very welcome ☺

Care