Never done this before

[Moonstruck]

Good morning all,

My loving partner died 3 weeks ago and I've been different each day....managing to do all the essentials but at times in a confused "lost" sort of way that I hide well. I conduct conversations with others, some who know, some who don't very easily...chatting and laughing and carrying out the essentials of daily life, paying bills, making appointments, car services, new appliances etc....as if nothing had happened.

Most mornings though I want to lie in bed for the whole day,never seeing or speaking to anyone. Driving in the car when a piece of music plays that reminds me of "us" the tears come. I attended a small group meeting of member of a club I belong to (of course it's all been shut down and in limbo since Corona, so nothing happened to distract me from the loss)....just needed to see familiar faces. Strangely enough conversation seemed to shut down and become a bit stilted when I arrived..no one mentioned my loss at all. I was longing for a hug, so I could give way to my pent up emotions, but there were none.

No touch,no comfort offered....nothing! Why was this? These are great people and I know they care and like me..........but they didn't offer any words of comfort. Perhaps I was wrong about them being my friends, perhaps they couldn't give a stuff about me after all...what an idiot I am!

The loss is not just"him"...a person. It's the other things that have also gone. No one knows me, "gets"me, or thinks I am as beautiful as he did. No one will tell me how lovely I look (even when I don't ) any more. No one calls me "darling". No one has my crazy at times black, sense of humour. I don't know anyone else who laughs at the same things we did. It's all those things that have gone too. No one comes in the door and immediately enfolds me in a hug.

Why didn't my friends comfort me?

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

There is a big difference between feeling empty because part of you is no longer there and boredom. You already have outside interests and family, and are slowly learning how to come back to life despite that gap in you.

It can't be rushed.

Unfortunately people have an urge to fix things ,if they see someone they think is unhappy that may make suggestions in the hope of 'fixing' them -something they simply cannot do, even if they have experienced loss themselves their answer is not your answer. We are all individuals

You are handling things as well as any other human being can, and that is fine and anyone would be as sensitive, it is not just you.

If you see her again and she asks say yes you have something (true) but do not feel like talking about it (that's the polite version:) or say we all have our own way of handling things and change the subject.

You might bear in mind a previous persons thoughts on the matter:

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

If you ever happened to find a voluntary occupation that you enjoyed by all means do it, but only if you actually really enjoy it, otherwise it would not work.

Hang in there Moon

Croix

[Moonstruck]

I wish "it" ...grief...would not hit out of the blue without warning!! as the weather is warming up and quite beautiful today, I went to one of my favourite spots to catch up on some reading and paperwork....also noticed some places that have re opened recently (after being closed due to Covid etc)....with people enjoying themselves.....these were all places he and I used to go to and have wonderful happy times......the places seemed to hit me one after another....oh no, there's that bench, there's that park, there's that view....there's that path we went for walks.....one after another they hit me in the face and the tears just flowed.....

I hadn't been in a sad mood beforehand.....I'd been looking forward to the pleasant outing to pleasant places...and it was overwhelmingly sad. Will it always be sad? Will I ever be able to enjoy its beauty any more, without him there, and with all those memories? Why didn't I get warning this would happen to me today?

Instead of staying, I went straight home...then on the car radio they played the worst song they could possibly have played....by that, I mean....the "best" song....a beautiful song, a moving emotional song, a wonderful song, a song I love and it just about killed me........when will the beautiful things stop being so cruel? will they ever be beautiful again? when do the tears stop?

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

After my first wife passed away my house, particularly the living room, was a place full of emotional traps and greif, I'd look for one wall to the next and see objects she had treasured, or we had bought together and enjoyed, plus a ton of other things, and that was just one room. Very hard.

Now I'm happy in that room and have been for a very long time, yes there are things that remind me strongly of her, but the laughter, the teasing, giving nieces a hard item. All the good memories with only a smattering of loss.

So yes it does pass, the grief remains inside and has taken over your life, however it will end up like a pearl, surrounded by other things that happens later.

You're doing ok - EXCEPT DON'T DRIVE IF OVERWHELMED OR CRYING! You can't see or concentrate in that state. Pull over for a few minutes. Moons are not designed to be road statistics but a queen in her own domain

Croix

[Moonstruck]

I haven't been on here for so long when I probably should have. Still heaps of unhealed stuff churning around inside of me. It's not consistent...this grief thing. Aspects of the condition were not mentioned in any literature or booklets or anything...I wasn't warned about so much...or is it me who is different? Flawed in some way in my reaction to losing someone who loved me.

I feel no one loves me now (and I am aware that sounds like a "poor little me" sobstory and melodramatic) but in the literal sense....I feel somewhat invisible. I used to take care of my dress, and appearance. Now it doesn't matter because no one gives a damn anyway what I look like! But...he did!

I've also gone through a "I could have done more to save him" thing. Surely I could have helped more, insisted on his getting medical help earlier, forced him, brought the help to him if he wouldn't go. Why didn't I see that he was going to die? Why couldnt I see it was serious? I could have saved him...why didn't he tell me he was that bad, that he was going to die, why didn't he say Goodbye, why didn't he warn me? Why didn't he try harder to get well? I was strong and fit and should have been able to save him.

I still haven't found "myself" the person I was when he was alive. I want her back, where has she gone? Will she ever come back? She was strong and loving and kind and confident, and enjoyed life and her friends, her children, her hobbies, everything was OK. in her world, even though she was ageing and spent time alone...she enjoyed her own space, was never lonely (knowing he was always there and would never ever leave her)......is that all gone forever?

Please tell me what will take its place? Who will I be now? How much longer will it take for the new version of me to take over and look after this broken piece of a person who is like a china plate all shattered and full of cracks?

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

The feelings of "I should have known/done/seen been able to save" is a very natural part of grief... we all feel it at some point... it's part of the need to find a sense of control over our loss... we blame them for not doing xyz or we blame ourselves... of course we know on a rational level that no-one is to blame... but it's hard to accept that on an emotional level...

I wish I could say by "this date" you will no longer be moved to tears by associations... or by "this date" you will find yourself again(not exactly the same person as before the loss... but still you)... there are no timetables for these things...

We take as long as we need to grieve... the day will come where you will be able to remember him without tears... you will be able to enjoy life again... you have already reached an understanding about your grief that some people struggle to understand... that your grief is as much about you as it is about losing him.

I wish I could say do this it will make things better... but from my own experience it is simply a matter of giving yourself time.

Be gentle with yourself lass

Paws

[quirkywords]

Moon ,

I wish I could wiggle my nose like Samantha on Bewitched and solve all your problems.

Life is not a TV show.

I think many people have said there is no use by date for grief.

I think all the what ifs just add to the grief. Many people do that as we try to make sense of what happened.

Moon is there anything that gives you any bit of comfort. .?

As I said I wish could take pain away and bring back the old you.

I understand waiting for everything to go back to what it was before he died, may take a long time but what if it won’t go back. There may be a new version of you emerging. I think after a death of a partner or some traumatic event , life won’t be the same and neither will you.

[Moonstruck]

Thank you all for your support and words...I feel I am in a process of "re-inventing myself" wondering if I should actively make this happen, or just sort of...wait and see. I stay awake very very late and quite happily....reading or watching a dvd...I don't want to close my eyes. I love the night, the dark where I feel "safer". I dread the bright sunlight of each day and want to put it off as long as possible.

therefore I get only a few hours of sleep and I wake in a dreadful state of mind every single morning. I have an awful feeling of dread, what's going to happen to me today? It could be verging on a touch of agoraphobia...as I only feel completely safe at home...particularly at night when no one can "get me or speak to me, or hurt me or take anything away from me or criticise me" that's why I stay awake for hours and hours.

I have something to help me sleep and it was wonderful at first, no bad side effects, really suited me but I seem to have built up a tolerance or something....as they don't work like they used to.... I am joining a new activity today and I woke up terrified...its a fitness thing that I know will be beneficial...I know that...I want to do it...but I am so scared of being with strange women, other women who will immediately form an opinion about me.

My first thought upon waking was "i can't do this, I can't go there and face a group of strangers, no matter how much I want to join in, I'm so scared"......I don't think I can make myself go...my confidence has disappeared, my confidence socially I mean, out here in the real world where there is no one I can turn to, no one at all......

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

I get the staying awake to feel safe & avoid the next day... I have to actively make myself to go to bed or I stay up until the dawn & then sleep the day away... it is a struggle most nights for me... but I will keep trying to re-learn how to sleep at night & face the coming day.

I think we need to accept that for now things are hard for us... however we need to try to work at making the changes necessary or we won't make any progress forward... the longer we let it go on the more likely it is to become the ingrained response...

To me, that you even considering going out & joining a group activity is a big achievement... as to actually going... there is a method of doing things in steps that I have found helpful... you try building up to going by breaking it down into small steps while giving yourself permission to change you mind after each step... get changed to go... say ok I've managed that... can I get in the car... ok I've managed that... can I drive there... ok... can I go in... etc... at any point you can say no that's all I can do today... if you can't make it all the way then next time try the steps again & try to go one step further...

Lass you may find that the ladies there are lovely or that there are some who you just click with... don't deny yourself that possibility...

Whatever you decide... be gentle with yourself

Hugs

Paws

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

How are you lass?

I've been wondering if you managed to go to the new activity you were wanting to go to?

No pressure for you to reply... you were in my thoughts..

Paws

[quirkywords]

Moon,

Like paws I am interested in how you are going and if you made it to the activity. It is a big step that you decided to go.

Starting an activity where you know one is difficult and the self doubt comes and one can talk oneself out of going.

Small steps may take a long time .