Feeling alone... Now realise I'm not the only one

[jtz]

After reading some posts this morning, I realise I am not alone in my depression. Today has been a bad one, I now see many of you out there, like me, are still struggling with loss years later. I lost my mother to suicide; my partner in a car accident; and recently one of my closest friends. 3 women I was very close with. Guilt. Anger. Questions of why me? Weren't you happy enough taking one special person from me? Why three? Some days I cruise along, smiling, working, not sharing what is happening in my head. It's not cool for us guys to show emotion. Suicidal thoughts? Sometimes. Anniversaries are always so hard. Birthdays. Christmas. I randomly came across this site today. After reading many posts with others describing their struggle to deal with the loss of loved ones, I can now see I am not alone. I feel for all of you struggling with the horrible emotional roller coaster we ride every day. Is there a group which meet together to talk these things through? I have tried the GP. I have tried the shrink. Sometimes I just need someone to listen to me talk and cry out.

[Neil_1]

Hi there jtz

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thanx for coming here;  finding us and providing your post.

Death sucks.  Grief is one helluva tough emotion to handle and deal with.

And you're absolutely right;  there's so many of us on here who are grieving and dealing with past death's of loved ones or close friends, etc.

The other thing I find after a death is that you still see life and people continuing on - and man, that hurts.  You've lost someone so special, so close to you and you're gutted and yet, there's the postman still delivering mail;  there's joan bloggs dropping her kids off to school, and you get my drift.  Life continues to go on;  when you wanna scream out "Hey, I've just lost my Mum (my very recent example) - just all stop for a while and show some respect".  Or something like that.

Now this site is anonymous (pretty much) and is all done voluntarily - ie:  all these posters that you see 'posting', they are (almost 99%) fellow sufferers and they come on and either post about their own issues, etc;  or will jump in and reply to people who post, to try to give advice, guidance, but above all else, it's support we want to give out.  So there's no place here that we can get together and either post back and forward, nor any facility for getting together.

But this forum does work extremely well in being able to still have communication back and forth - it's just not an 'instant' thing.

So jtz, it'd be great to hear more from you and again, I'm pleased you've found Beyond Blue.

Kind regards

Neil

[pdent]

I'm just were you are jtz

Every day up then down and yet I feel so selfish to think of my self so much

I just can't see an end to all this pain my mind is giving me

Obviously suicide is not an option when I see the pain it has caused you... i dont want to leave my love ones  an  mental mess  ..so its battle on ..but its hard

Good luck

[jtz]

Hi pdent.

Perhaps, like me, you can visit a site like this and realise that although you constantly fight a battle, others are fighting a similar battle and winning. As I type this, tears fill my eyes, but I know I have to keep trying to beat it. I still crave for someone to sit down with and talk to, to cry with and share. I have found the GP's and professionals get very expensive.

Perhaps sharing and discussing things here online will help.

good luck! Stay strong!

[pdent]

Well it Sunday morning jzt

I hope things are better for you,

I haven't had half your grief and yet in the mornings I shake and wonder how the hell I will get through the day, let alone the rest of my life,right now I really don't think its possible,

How did I get in this trapped situation where I am feeling so much pain when there are people far worse off,and like you say spending all our money on professionals could make things just hopeless

Hope your going better than me right now

[jtz]

Not good to hear you are struggling atm pdent.

The reason I have slipped back into a state of depression the last week is I had an accident on a mountain bike a little over a week ago, leaving me with a broken arm, rib, neck, back, shoulder and hip probs.

i work as a professional sports coach. I will now be struggling with work for 6 weeks. I ride several times a week, both socially and competitively, it is what keeps my mind on track, giving me something to focus on, taking my mind away from the grief which fuels my depression. Being unable to work and ride has dragged me into a hole. 

My wife says she is 'over' my depression. She gets frustrated when I get down. She says I am too high maintenance. She offers zero support or understanding. 

I am glad I found this site. Just typing my post, is helping me remain focussed. I hope you too, pdent, experience the positives that I have been feeling, learning that I am not alone in my experiences, even if I am on my own.

You are also not alone. Others, like me, suffer as you do. 

Keep on getting up in the morning. Stay positive. We can all get through these low times, knowing we are not suffering alone.

[Blue_Babe]

Hi jtz..I understand what you're feeling.  I'm only new on here and so glad I've decided to reach out.  I too tried time with a psychologist and it helped me a lot but I still feel the way you do.  I don't have my own family, just siblings who all have their own families and no longer have my parents.  I know what it means to feel alone.  I have a husband but yet he has a daughter and grandchildren so really he doesn't fully understand how I feel.  I feel like "What is my purpose in this life?"  Why am I here?  I feel totally alone even though I have the support of my siblings, their families, my husband.  It is true what they say...you can be surrounded my a thousand people and yet still feel alone.  I understand that feeling well.  I too have often asked "Why"  Why am I even here.  thanks for listening. 

[jtz]

Hi Blue Babe,

i am sorry to hear you are feeling alone.

glad to see you posting here. It has helped me.

since my last post, things have got worse for me. My wife left me, took the 3 kids and moved in with her parents. She said she could no longer be the person I needed when I get down, I was too high maintenance. For the last 3 days I have been living in a family home, all alone.

like you, I fund unless others have suffered from PTSD or depression, or they have lost loved ones, they truely don't know how we feel.

keep posting, I find it does help to write things down and know that others who DO know how I feel, are listening, it is even better when others respond to the posts. Again, it reminds me that although I may be alone, others out there are feeling the same.

[Blue_Babe]

Hi JTZ,

Thank you for responding to my posts.  It really helps me to know that there are people like yourself who TRULY understand what I'm feeling and it re-assures me that the emotions that I have are valid.  You are totally correct when you say that unless someone has gone through loss, grief etc..that they really don't fully understand what you're going through.  I am sorry to hear that things have gotten worse for you.  I genuinely feel for you.  When I lost my Dad 10 years ago..that was HUGE for me as we were really close.  I was the typical "Daddy's girl" .. nothing was too hard for him to always come to my aid whenever I was in trouble emotionally, financially etc.  We had a close bond.  So when I lost my Dad I was SHATTERED  to say the least.  I literally felt orphaned (even though I still had my Mum at the time).  Then 18 months ago I lost my Mum to Cancer.  That was the last straw.  Now I had no-one.  I felt totally abandoned.  It sounds horrible but even though I have my husband I still feel alone.  Sounds weird I know, but it's how I feel.   Thank you for understanding how I really feel.  It helps a lot.  I am so OVER hearing people say things like "You'll be Right!"  or  "Get over It!"  or  "How old are you..It's time to grow up!"   It's remarks like that, I find really offensive and tend to make me angry..and I am not an angry person by nature.  I have always been quite the opposite..fun-loving, happy and sociable.  I don't like the way depression has changed my personality.  I wish more people could be more understanding of how I feel.  I'm sure if they had walked a mile in my shoes then they'd understand that my journey has been quite painful emotionally.  You 'GET' me..and for that I thank you.   BB.

[jtz]

Hi BB.

I too, get very frustrated when people say or infer that I should 'just get over it'.

these are ALWAYS people who have not suffered loss or depression. Unfortunately my wife (now separated as of 4 days ago) is one of those.

this morning I started to read a book, after a friend recommended and lent it to me. Although I am only one chapter in, I recommend it to you:

A life too short, by Ronald Reng.

it is the life story of the German international goal keeper, his struggle with depression, despite being a sporting hero, and his unfortunate suicide, leaving a wife and daughter. 

It reinforces the point that people like you and I are not alone in our struggle. 

Keep posting.

take care. jtz