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When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

250 Replies 250

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi rx.

Just caught up on your posts.  I'm sorry nothing's improved. I found your comment interesting, that you're not seeing that same partner lately. Makes me wonder...is it because of the distance & her situation  or is it true colours showing ? I know you can't answer that. I wish you could spend some decent time together to figure these things out.

Not much help, I know, but thinking of ya.

 

Cmf

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hi cm and thanks for that.

Not sure , just need some real time again , yaknow. l mean she's still in fight mode independently just to even cope you know to lately bc she's alone there and it's all still just coming at her . We've both had very big things going on last few mths actually.

Thankfully though , like last wkend say , and we get on the ph or vid, l'm amazed at just how nice it is, understatement,  and how it's just instantly all just still there between us.

Pretty likely l'll head up there again soon and we see , but there's a lot goin on atm at both ends too sooooo hopefully it doesn't get put of again.

rx

 

Welll , life in general there's been lots going on for us both but we've moved lately to calling more rather than messages and gees it's just so nice and it really really helps us cope better and feels so much more in person- well , as much as you can be apart anyway.

Lots of talks and ideas and atm l'll probably head up there in Sep for a few wks , atm anyway , and she might come down to mine to later in Dec when she's finished stuff she's got on . She can't fly very much bc her nervous system is in such a bad way so it's gonna be really special . 

On another note her best friend recently moved up to qld too and we've also been thinking about maybe even doing a road trip up there after Christmas for a look around , see if we like it up there as maybe a poss alternative which that l would be open to atm , if we could afford it , so we see on that front too later on.

rx

 

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey rx,

Checking in to see how you are.

 

Cmf

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi rx 

Sorry it's been a while. WOW. The Universe loves throwing you little things. Have you heard from her again since that pic? What's happening with gf? The year is moving along very quickly now. Any plans? How s your d going?

Take care

Cmf

Guest_1584
Community Member

Morng cm , thx for dropping in , just came for a check around myself.

Yeah ex popped up again a wk back , just on our chat thing, we didn't talk but she was gone again next day. She's sussing me out in her ex kinda way.

D, well she's been a lot more stable within herself , maturing too,l'm really proud of her, but sadly still a bit lost unfortunately too, longgg story. l have to call MH today about things actually, not looking forward to it.

 

Gf , hmmm. She's back to all over the damn shop. We no sooner make plans and find our feet again, next minute she's spinning again. Atm she's under all these pressures and confusion with what she's involved with on all fronts and doesn't know what to do about anything or us. She's back to saying she's just too sick and messed up lately and doesn't think she can cope with us or anything else or me going up bc she's just too stressed or whether she'll be able to handle coming down in DEc now either, she's everywhere. Anyway she's also got some very heavy exams over this next too wks so atm l'm just letting her focus on all that and giving it some space.

 

lt's not looking good from an us perspective though unless she can come down in Dec, lf she does she'll see and be us again and find some grounding but if she doesn't all this crap is just gonna keep on going l think and l;m just about outa puff.

 

rx

 

 

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey rx and waves to everyone reading, 

 

IDK rx this r/ship must be SO hard on you when GF keeps changing her mind. 

 

You sounded happy and relaxed about things when you talked of the visits up to see her and her visit down to stay with you in Dec. 

Then unsure again.

 

Must be really hard, taking a toll. It's easy to understand you're running out of puff. 

 

IDK but my first instinct besides feeling very let down for you and wondering if there'll be yet another change of mind, is to plan the heck out of life lol. (That makes this my 3rd instinct lol)..
My strategy could be a little "head in the sand" (or "ostrichistic" as I call it at home lol) but doing things I LOVE doing really gets me through. 

 

Seems like more bandaid stuff to get through. Not sure what else you can do? 

 

Love EM

 

 

 

Good to hear d is doing better. 

 

 

Hiya em , thanks for the thoughts.

Yeeepppaaa, yeah exactly and l've been doing too last few mths and l plan on keepin on doing unless something changes.l've had some great wkends lately actually and some nice ones planned coming up too, going up the mountains next wkend.

But alas yep, at the same time it was, was looking really nice, "again",  just a few wks ago. Trips planned, our calls have just been beautiful butttt, l am always still very wary though unfortunately. lt's such a shame l have to be but sure as, here we are again.

ln most ways it's not even her fault, the education department up there are crazy keep changing things and not just little bits either, completely, it's surreal. The Gov departments she's dealing with same again- they bloody throw complete curve balls at her every 5mins it's unbelievable .

 

lf she could only get herself back down to mine for a mth or two again she'd find her grounding and probably dump it all up there and just stay anyway. Our trips yeah, not aren't completely off but the Sep at least isn't looking likely, again thanks to the education department with that too actually but eh- l'm packed for either-  mountains or Sydney, l'm versatile haha.

rx

We haven't talked at all this wk not since last Frid.

She has some very heavy exams for another wk or so andddd, she'll be moving in the middle of that too and just to ice the cake she's also been sick soooo, she needs all she can muster to just get through right now.

lt feels very weird not talking at all though and l must admit l'm really feeling it and missing her a lot first time in a long time we literally haven't spoken a word in a wk. l'm feeling really insecure about things tbh l know she can flip on a coin when things are as they are for her right now and start getting really negative about everything including us .

Then l turn around and curse myself for allowing it all and whatever frame she's in effect me in these ways or at all really. lt's all been going on so long now first all the court stuff and now her new situation and yet again dragging on and still putting her through everything that it is ad so her mental state and us on top of it.  As lf l've allowed myself to just be left waiting in the winds and at the mercy of whatever state she's in and so we're in.

lt's hard to explain but l've tried to treat us and the situation as if we aren't even together bc it's not that we aren't physically it's that we aren't securely in us or have that knowing in your soul that we do have us and there is an us and in a not just sitting around yrs on and in some holding pattern at her whim. Sometimes l've felt like l'm living a double life bc l've tried to get on with mine and go on doing thing things rather than laying about in hope and wait, but it really messes with heart and mind bc you just can't switch those things or us just off, so living like this it's all kinda forced.

And then l start cursing her for leaving us and me in this position instead of a solid plan and steadiness, a certainly that there is us and always will be there's just one more batch of garbage to get through.

 

Feel like l'm damned if l do damned if l don't.

rx

ps , l didn't mean l curse her in reality btw , only that l just start thinking all this stuff in my head . Although we have talked about all her on off though and the way it's effecting things , us, me.

Anyway , our sep/oct trip is looking all but pretty well off now sadly she's not even gonna have the time now.

 

rx