When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

[Guest_1584]

You know , should l just leave the ball in her court , what do you think ?

She said she needed this two wks mentally and as l said above it is legit she has a huge few wks. But then she also said, againnnnnn, that she's not feeling sure she can even cope with a relationship , againnnnnn !

ln other words she's basically spinning every which way again. lt sounds ridiculous l know but if l was to talk about everything she's had thrown at her this last 18mths well.

Buttttt, at the end of the day here l we are again. l feel like l've held us together at other times , and l'm sort of feeling like l might need to again now after this 2wks too but ldk , should l just leave it in her court for once ?  She's usually at least talking a little through these times but this time there's been nothing. ldk all this spinning she's been doing 19mths now, and l've heard the same words 3 or 4 times before. We never quite feel together bc l'm always cert there'll be more spinning and ins and outs.

l've been thinking , l'm not playing games but do you think it's maybe time l just leave her be [ after the 2wks to l mean } and leave us up to her for once ? l'm thinking it's about time she stops this crap whatever she's going through and either truly wants us- or not.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Unfortunately it's just been too awkward finding the right time l'm back at work and she's had her stuff, but we just desperately need to be together again, feel us again. That'd fix and answer everything either way.

Been so long since we've had any real time together it all starts to feel like some sort of a hazy dream.

[Guest_1584]

Hmmm.

Not good news on the things gf l'm afraid.

She's back to saying she's just too sick and drained and just has nothing left. She says all she can do to cope is stay in bed just trying to survive and that she'll just drag me down with her bc she has nothing left to offer me and she'll just stop me from having life. She's still in a very bad way and to top it off also had some huge let downs this last few wks too with things she'd put everything she had left into, such a shame, l really feel for her. She's also just been physically sick as well too poor thing l dunno what it is but things just do not seem to go her way. Actually l do know l think butttttt, nother story.

Anyway , this is the 3rd time she's talked like this and tbh l'm about drained myself. l talked to a few people that l have utmost respect for in these kind of departments and that know us and her and the whole situation and both had pretty well the same thoughts, which pretty well match mine too.

They've both said and it is true, l've gone above and way way way beyond and have been nothing but patient to no end and supportive right through.

But they both think there's nothing else l can or should do you can't fix somebody they have to want to help themselves and that l should step away.

Our Sep visit is of now too due to one of the things that didn't come through for her and she won't even have time off for visiting anyway and straight after that she then hit me with the above on top of it anyway.

She was , was , meant to be coming back down to mine in Dec- God knows now but they both think l should just leave it be live my life for now, leave her to cope and deal with things in her way, but kinda leave the door open for Dec too if l still want to but if that doesn't happen, it's time l got out out of this.

Must admit , unfortunately , sadly they've both pretty well confirmed my thoughts too.

rx

[Guest_1584]

We talked last night and sadly , l've never seen her as low as where she is right now.

And with her situation that won't be getting easier any time soon if she continues on the path she's on,

She's completely given up on any sort of a life and thinks she is doomed to be the way she is atm , forever and this is it.

rx

[ecomama]

Dear rx, sorry I've been MIA on your thread ughhh. 

I had SO MUCH reading to catch up on, so I felt sorry for myself too lol. 

Don't you just want to SCREAM about this situation?? 
I am really feeling the utter frustration inside you, nothing is making sense and it's crazy making stuff she's doing to you. I don't even have a combination of letters to make the sounds I'm saying.... grumphhhhgrrrblerghhh ughhh. 

What on earth could you possibly do to ease these issues in your relationship? 
I think you've done EVERYTHING humanly possible. 

Of course you're emotionally invested on a really deep level. You don't want to let it go because you know how well you both do together - when you can be together. 

Awww I'm feeling you buddy. 

It's near impossible to NOT get emotionally affected when someone you love is struggling so badly with multiple issues (plus trying to recover from many stressful years of bs legal crap). 

Of course you've done everything you can but that's not a definitive ending, this is continuing with no end of anything in sight. 

I think I know you by now (lol perhaps IDK?)... so I don't see you dropping the whole bundle of this relationship like a bowling ball. Like gone. 

How are you doing today? 
Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1584]

Hi em and thanks for the thoughts and feels.

You read back you poor thing no need to put yourself through that God knows you have enough on your mind and plate, but thanks anyway nonetheless.

ldk , coincidentally my sister called last night to say hello and asked how things were going , she's a psychiatrist so unfortunately with the timing, she got an earful. l don't usually talk about this sort of thing with her butttt, she just yet again also confirmed what l already know. Long story short , gf is resigned but to the degree that nothing l can do will make any difference- l know. And l got all the usual in any standard over the internet forum stuff it's not my job to fix her and bla bla bla, l know.  Buttttt ,  l wasn't trying to fix her just support and help in anyway l could but nonetheless, hearing this sort of thing from others and then a professional too well, sometimes we aren't so sure , even if we are right. So in a way it sures things up a little at least and it's a huge decision so it is good to have that.

But nah sadly l do have to drop it em no choice really. l have gone way way beyond and with over 3yrs of my life at this stage only to arrive here, l have to do something about it can't just let it go on. There's a lot more to her situation too that l can't go into here my God, people wouldn't even believe how complicated it's become but with the latest l see no end to it.

Hope your doin ok.

rx 

[ecomama]

Hey rx, crikeys hey? 

I think the actual THING is that we may "know" what "the best thing to do" is for us - rationally. 
Yeah sure, other people aren't emotionally invested AT ALL. They're concerned for us, sure, but they're 100% rational in their advice >> drop her. 

Tbh the way you've left the gates open for ex girlfriends, from the past, to contact you and the depth of your emotional investment in current gf... I don't see you doing the whole "block" and No Contact jive this time either. 

You know as well as I know that it can take people like us a LONG time to get our rational heads around a direction to take in our important relationships. 
Doesn't mean our emotions are fine about it. 

What next? 
IDK. 

I understand that people wouldn't even believe her story. No one would believe mine either, it seems absolutely impossible but it's true and I lived it. 

As for you... be kind to yourself. 
Breathe out. 
All you can do at this point is to take each day at a time and hopefully find the motivation to plan some activities to do some times and perhaps you might enjoy part of them some times too. 

Make this day count for you. 
I'm so glad your sister called at the right moment for you. Hugs brother. 
Love EM

[Guest_1584]

Ahh em , your such a bottomless pit , no wonder your kids are who they are. How'd you go with that mad new neighbour btw ?

Blocking eh , so you think l should just do that. hmmm. l dunno to me all that stuff is just more of the standard internet jargon tbh. l don't believe in games and that all seems such spiteful rubbish. But at the same time of course it's supposedly the best way to go for our own good , l know ha, maybe l bloody should, l'll file it, give it some thought.

ldk about sis, l mean she's a good women but l've always had a bit of a trust thing with her. She's good when she's good but has be known to throw it back at ya next time she's pissed , the shrink that needs a shrink , so what's new eh.

Ex ahhh, ha, maybe l should block her to right. l dunno there's always been this lingering closure thing with her, things unsaid, that's all. We'd never be getting back or anything like that though. Gf knows about it and she's still hurt herself to this day the way that her ex just totally wiped the slate clean with her actually, she understands.  l had hoped just just say these things to ex, all these yrs her thinking and feeling what it wasn't.

But anywayyyy. Yeah been pretty busy actually , still getting to those mountains too and other goodies, been really enjoying wkends. The way things have been all this time with gf, sadly l've known right through don't be on hold for this.

Thanks a lot anyway em , monster hug.

rx

[Guest_1584]

There is another thing about any blocking with gf to.

lf she managed to get herself back on an even keel nearer end of yr , or the Gods forbid a few things go right for her, she still might even come down in dec.

Although l won't b holding my breath but l would like to leave that door open though just for now.

lf she did she'd find her ground again, feel us again, be in a house again , have her gardens again , and freedom , she has none of that there, it'd turn her around.

The way things are going and there's more coming for her over the next mth , she could even decide to just drop it all.

Soooo ,  l'm trying to call it done , but at the same time perhaps just for now , not quite just yet .  l'll try to get on with things meantime just for now , see what happens.

rx

[ecomama]

Oh crikeys rx! NOoooo I didn't mean you to think, I think you should block gf NO! 

Sorry I only got that far in reading before I had to post and send this off asap. 

It's just not YOU to block! 
No! 

You are brilliant. You WILL work this out, I promise you will. 
It may not be the way you always wanted but I never want you to lose hope that you will live a beautiful life. 

Now back to reading, heavens NO! 

Love EMxxxx (ughhhh IDK how that happened but I'll try to fix it ugh)