When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Hiya em, thanks for the thoughts.

Yep we could do that no worries she can take off anytime it's not that, if she was up to it and had time. But she'll be so busy and stressed next few mths now and she'll be already living in two places all through that too, she'll be going to and from a few days a time to her sons. His wifey went back to Japan for 2mths and there's moreeee buttttt, not even touching that one. But anyway so a 3rd place right now even for just a wk even living it up in the middle of all her stuff next few mths, it's just too much.She'd hardly be present she'd try it but l'm not gonna ask it's not fair on her.

Yeppppp, l know , well aware as l said in the other post. l don't take it seriously though she basically still has a slight hope and so do l that's all, l like to drop a few of my reminders too haha. But nah , admittedly though it kind of helps me through a bit, and her too.

Cardboard ha, tell me about it , been seeing that for yrs l just don't talk about it here, not nice. like she said to me one day, as soon as they open their mouths it a very big ahhh- and l can say the rest.

[Guest_1584]

PS , and yeah she's traumatized, of course

She was pretty good down here earlier and getting stronger here but going back and up through everything else since well, as l say here all the time, l can't even skim the surface here.

But also yeah , l'm protecting the heart strings, have been 8mths well, as best you can anyway.

[Guest_1584]

18mths , since she went back , new where it would prob head as l said no surprises really.

l suppose you could say l decided to take that gamble but l've tried to be careful about it too.

[Guest_1584]

Talking again the other day after a few wks gap though gees, tell you what.  l knew things wouldn't be much different for her right now maybe even more stuff but bloody hell , there is stuff !  The stuff stuff stuff my God , and it's all l talk about here too tell you what, it was a real reality check after being away from it a few wks.

l was feeling v upset but with a few days absorbing things it's just feeling ridiculous. l've been dealing with it all so long now we got through what we were aiming for we had our plan but since that that's gone out the window and there's just been more more more and it's still coming. She doesn't even have to be in most of it if we did our plan she would've been back here and we'd be starting our future.

l said to her do you realize how just completely opposite you've gone to the girl l met back when. You wanted this it's all we wanted we were living for the day. But now you've done a complete 180 and still up there just dropping yourself into it all up to your eyeballs left and right and more stressed than ever bc of it yet saying your so sick and bla bla bla and we don't even know if we have a future. Yet you could drop all that tom' and jump on a plane the way we planned and what l've stuck around for.

Well it's complicated as hell and with her situation she was backed into all kinds of corners l can't go into it here but at the same time, she could, she could also drop it all, she could be here, and if she stays there in her situation it'll never end.

Wondering wth l'm even going through it anymore, l need to reassess.

[ecomama]

Hey rx, 

It seems like GF gets stuck in stuff just because that's life.... perhaps the added stuff is because she has poor boundaries? 

Like she doesn't say "no". 
She's been in a state of overwhelm for YEARS. 

I understand her needing to be there for her son, to a point. She could travel up for periods, he's a grown up after all. 

So it's more about her making you and your relationship a priority. 
The longer she stays up there, the more enmeshed she becomes and is unable to break free. 

Making her INTENT for her own life clear for herself, then setting up boundaries to help her stick to the path.... 

I don't see her doing any of it in a direction towards you both being together. 

She seems to have pretty much lost focus on your r/ship altogether. 

I get it. 
BF and I are in a sitch and it'll stay this way, possibly forever... whatever at this point. 

I can literally see BFs mental health deteriorating in front of my eyes (and ears). 
I've taken a break talking to him for a few days mainly due to competing activities I need to do during the day. 

I need to make my OWN life a priority. Living here, managing my family, work. 
Setting up things for my ageing years. 

I have TONS to do and I want to do it. Can't get sucked down a rabbit hole! 

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1584]

Hi em. Yeah exactly in this sort of situation you we have to make our life a priority bc unless it's gonna happen we all know there'll be many many obstacles. Unfortunately knew that day she went back up.

The rest look, it's so tricky the son ha, he's only a fraction of it. There's legalities and conditions with her cases and all sorts of crap. When l say she could swap it to Vic, she'd still have to do it all and she's scared swapping right now could end her up back in court.lt's as complicated as - surprise. So she coulddddd buttttt.

That's why in the first place she's stayed until dec - only the half of it.

But yeah l see that with him and gf has too obviously, understatement. lt is a real worry l know knew it would go that way if she stayed past court ends and you watch it happening, not nice. She'll be even worse by dec so don't hold much hope unfortunately.

[Guest_1584]

Put it this way , she could've dropped it and came down after courts, but nowwwww, it'd be a huge gamble on her l couldn't ask her to take bc it'd be on me.

End of yr she could, not now though.

But she'll be too worn out by then for sure.

[Guest_1584]

Ha , by then , she is now , that's her problem.

Just on the boundaries thing, she had no control, gov n court stuff for 4yrs, poor thing.

She's actually ok about leaving the son stuff now. Her main thing us wise is as said , her health and MH now.

[Guest_1584]

The subconscious and power of thought , negativity , ideas , is just mind mind boggling isn;t , if only it was as easy to manifest good.

To top it off, her mum had all the same health issues mid 40s, they never got better and she stayed single still is- 68. Gf's been convinced for yrs she is her mum has all the same nothing she can do and now that will have to be her too.

But she isn't , she's 20times fitter than her mum was , but she doesn't think so.

[Guest_1584]

Realized last night l'm wasted a lot of time and pages skimming the problems l don't even wanna skim let alone go into fully, sometimes it helps but not in this case.

But at the end of the day it all just amounts to whether she can or wants to come back down , that's it , it is what it is , and start our life.

Well, she could've 6mths ago and wanted to but things moved so fast after the courts , she got trapped in one after the other.

Well the next chance now would be later Dec but now she thinks she's gonna be her mum forever and she's too sick to cope with or offer anything in a relationship anymore.

l said l'd rather be sick with you than without you and alone but she says she just doesn't feel like she could cope now.

Maybe people are right and if she wanted us enough she would, maybe she just doesn't want us enough now and been without us so long now she thinks it's easier .

At any rate, she says it's not like that she still loves us and me, l can sort of understand it but sort of can't. There was a long time l actually felt l couldn't cope with a relationship either. Still think though if she loved us enough she would though , dk.

Says she still might be able to she'll have to see in Dec but l'm not sitting round hoping.

rx