When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

[CMF]

Oh I found you again. Thought I was going mad. Saw new posts,  then couldn't find them, now found them.

Sounds like things are the same. Are you going for a visit?

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

Oh God, know what you mean,

Ummm, not quite the same unfortunately but there's probably too much ranting there to find it ,as far as l know though we're broken up tbh, a few wks now actually, could be it this time.

l dunno cm , just about had enough of it too l mean l of all people know what she's been going through but you know, it never ends and nor does the head spinning either.  Last we spoke it was back to the l just don't think l can cope with a relationship anymore. 3 days before that she was planning a trip down to mine in Dec but doesn't think she could cope with the flight and travel now either.

More stuff had happened for her that's not good and that also blew our chance for me to go up this trip too. Honestly l think the poor thing's just cursed by the bad luck wand.

Atm , l'm back to getting on with life. l don't think it'll ever end for her unless she just drops it all and comes back here. She may still turn around again later yet though and wanna come down in Dec  next , the door will be open buttttt, l can't be holding my breath.

rx

[Guest_1584]

How ironic l chose this thread to stick with, well that was mainly bc it was the only one of my threads l could find now , at the time. But here life is again now, right there in the title. lt's prob not the best thread to turn into my main with the new circumstances and gf sitch right now butttt, it's gonna have to do.

bEen feeling very low about everything it's been 3wks now and it's really starting to sink in. My brothers also been down in Melb mths now shacked up with his gf, the brother that normally lives up here. They've been living 3hrs apart 20 yrs and just travel up and back to ea others place every few wks , stay a wk or so then whichever one heads home. They have this funny thing and fight a lot too, but it seems after 20yrs even they're managing to work it out bc he's been down there 5 or 6mths now, longest they've spent together ever.

Thing is if an odd couple like those two can somehow last all these yrs and now be getting closer, hth can't we work it out ?

l was out and about most of the wkend , see couples and single or people alone, whatever, families, you name it . But l don't wanna be one of the alone ones problem is l think of things with gf l'd never have or find with anyone else, things that mean that much to me , it's like if we do stay split, what's the use of even bothering. Don't think l could be with less now and it seems as ex w or even anyone back in my 20s never had anything like these things with gf, if there was somebody new later on , they aren't gonna have it either, so it's like what's point.

l mean ex w and l had a very special thing for a lot of yrs, but even that didn't have these things they're unique to us and her and our thing.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Tbh , l dunno how gf can think being on her own depressed and resigned, could be easier or choose that instead, l really don't.

l mean she's the most just naturally intuitive and sharpest girl l've ever known,and extremely intelligent. She also just read anyone on sight, seen her do it 100 times and she's spot on every time.

But yet there are funny sides too none the less, we all have our areas and with her there are sides and things too that she just doesn't see.

l havem , everyone has em. l see and feel things most others don't that'll just go straight over their heads. But l also don't see sometimes just everyday simple and logical things that normal people do see and so l'll make mistakes in those but yet have this other weird ability with bigger things.

Well, her thing is she often just doesn't see some things with us that to me are very very obvious and so important, it's happened a lot. She sees others , and beautiful things, and talks about them a lot but then just not others and then often not these specific things that mean so much to me either.

Well , even of her spirits do lift again l worry that with her not seeing these things, things even my daughter sees and talks about,that she'll still stay on this path.

l think the only thing will snap her out of it is if she lifts enough to think she could cope with the travel down to mine and does come and feels everything first hand and together again.

Unfortunately though, l doubt she will bc sadly there's still huge things happening for her in the next few mths.

[Guest_1584]

lf all goes ok they though should be finished by Dec and done but it's going to be very very rough on her until then and just take even more out of her. So tbh, l don't really see her recovering enough to come down anyway .

l talk here as if oh well , as l suspected and so l'm just going to do this do that and get on with things , but feeling the pinch so of course that's not gonna be quite as easy as it sounded. Talks cheap right.  Weirdly to though , l don't quite feel it is done or this will last , em said something about that too. Sooo, maybe it isn't, maybe she does start to see those things and regrets it, or decides to come down. Or maybe it's just me subconsciously not quite giving up on us yet.

rx

[ecomama]

Hey rx, sorry I lost touch a bit the last few days. Returning to work soon, so I'll be mush reduced on the forums, just a headsup lol. 

I totally know what you mean about the specialness of that relationship. 
I'm with ya buddy. I for 100% certain that NO ONE could replace BF... I wrote this LIST of traits I wanted in my next partner after a horrid D Day and last pukey marriage blerghhh... 
That list was WAY over the top. It described THE most brilliant of men. Demon asked me to read it to him actually hahaha, so I did. It said "no man on earth is gonna be like that" and he was right to a point... no men HE knew could ever be like that. 

BF was way more than that list. In fact when I read it to BF he said "Why pitch so LOW?" OH MY GOD. 
He sees me, just as I am and adores me. 
I see him, just as he is and he's amazing. 
There's no point whatsoever in me breaking up with him. He demonstrates more love and caring from 12000 klm away than any partner I've ever had, hands down. 

Certainly he has anxiety over stuff, depression too. He works through this well. 
He LOVED the video call so we're good now lol. Tbh I think he'll end up buying in Hawaii so I can live part time there and here too. He suggested Spain lol, no, it's too far away from the kids. 

I think you're deciding to hang in there until Dec at least now rx, is this how you're thinking? 
Love EM

[Guest_1584]

Yeah , know exactly what you mean. l look around at other women and l see and know what's in there and it's not so much that in any good one she will not be something special, she would.  But there is no chance she'll be what l'm use to and those parts have become so special and important to me over the yrs.

Where am l God knows l dunno. The door will be open until end of yr though, even though l won;t be sitting round hoping, it's probably hopeless if any further though. Butttt, we talked this morng and l must admit, seems hopeless now too. Although there were a few waves in and out of the us side of things, even something about maybe still coming down but eh, she likes to keep me in there, just encase it's a very big maybe though. Mostly she was just all over the shop. She's had a huge few wks and in that moving as well. But she's still on about how sick she is and being so sick that she just can't even think of anything.That won't be changing she'll have more stress than ever over the next few mths.

ps, no worries at all em you just do your thing , l just come here to rant my rubbish more than anything seems as no one can find me anymore haha. But eh l appreciate the input of course.

[Guest_1584]

One thing though , it's been l think a few wks. But the new drama in just this few wks , bit of a wake up call. Believe it or not l sort of forget how much of it there is with this drama free little gap and of how it just follows her around.

So first thoughts were, my God her stuff is never gonna end if this is what we get all new from just a few wks ago.

Mind you , if she packed her bags back to mine, it'd all be gone, but doubt that's gonna happen.

And she did move to and at least wishes l could come up and stay , at least that was something but guess what. That's impossible bc no men are allowed in the building. lt's a unit in a unit block but the whole block is for women only from bad marriages and ex drama.

We knew that and so l was going up earlier before all this butttt, it just ices the cake now.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Unfortunately that's all she could get and if she doesn't take it that's it they won't offer her another one.

[ecomama]

Hey rx, I know about buildings of those types in Public Housing, my girlfriend from school is now living in one. 

Why couldn't you go up and both stay in a motel? 
Or holiday cabin? 

Just because she lives in a place like that and we respect those places are necessary, sure! 
It doesn't remove the fact that she's an adult and can choose to go away for a weekend at all. 

I'm getting rather concerned tbh. Is she just keeping you on the back burner? 

Perhaps she's just too traumatised (and other personal traits / FOO issues that amplify this) to be able to make any mature decisions? 

I get what you mean about you seeing other people and already KNOW they wouldn't suit you. 
Men down the street look like cardboard to me. Yep. Cardboard. 
I can talk to women and make human connections, not men at all. That's my trauma and I'm happy for this to stay lol. 

I know you're a grown up and can make your own decisions... indecision is still a decision. 

Just seeing this is really unhealthy for you mentally, pulling on your heart strings. Not good. 

EMxxxx