When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

[therising]

Hi rx

I get what you mean about the number of years being considered when it comes to that feeling of wasting time. I've found there a little things that come to mind that set that kind of internal dialogue off. Whether it's something like 'I can't believe we're already half way through the year' or 'I can't believe it's December. Where did the last year go?' or it might be another birthday coming around, all remind me of how fleeting time can feel. Then I may hear that little voice in my head that crops up on occasion that can sound a little like 'Stop wasting your life. Do something with it'.

Depression can definitely be a tough one to work out at times, why it comes to be. So many factors...genetics, chemistry, grief, a sorrowful lost sense of self, a serious lack of a number of things that tend to bring joy or relief, depressing memories playing out over and over, internal dialogue we just can't shift at times, a depressing lack of energy...so many factors, that's for sure.

With so many possibilities regarding the cause, sometimes it can be so hard to work out what takes us to the brink or what leads us all the way into it. Sometimes, when there seems to be no obvious reason, I think it comes down to strategy, more than anything else. Whether the strategy involves the kind of mantra that dictates in a way 'Ride the wave until it subsides' or we manage putting things in place ahead of time, for when the wave comes, or it involves a very detailed safety or survival plan, managing depression becomes a highly skillful thing. The skill development that people who face mental health challenges are forced to develop is to be admired and respected, more so when they are developed while in a state of mental and emotional exhaustion.

[Guest_1584]

For myself , ldk whether it's a good thing or what but nah , l'll always know why l am whatever l am, hence the sort of question in the title. lt's usually a life thing, a situation, serious not just everyday dramas. So in a way l suppose that is a good thing bc if l can fix or overcome that or when it fixes itself, things will hopefully pass.

Where as with so many around BB it seems, it's a more l suppose a clinical depression where there is no rime or reason it just is. lt's an altering condition and so meds might be able help but at the same time it seems very difficult just from reading around, for them to understand themselves in what's actually going on, apart from obvious triggers. Meds can't help me though as it'd just be a fake high as such bc it's usually more been about a serious situation that l'm well aware of.

[geoff]

Hello RX, 'kicking your own bum' can help only if you are prepared to look at both sides with an open mind, and if you have been on both sides of MI then you will know how to cope with this.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Guest_1584]

Hi Geoff and thanks for the thoughts.

Does it help you, even if you can't physically do much there's always music movies computer stuff and things? Have you found things that help you ?

Sometimes if l can get moving things will pass but other times that's only short lived but at least l suppose it's something and some kind of real as apposed to say meds, in my situation.

rx

[therising]

Hi rx

Definitely handy to know exactly the factors that set off a significant 'downshift'. I think, this way, you can pick what the problem is (to a degree) when you feel the downshift coming on or when you're in it. Kind of like 'I know I'm in a significant mind altering life changing challenge because I always feel this way when such a challenge arises' or 'I know I must be surrounded by depressing degrading people because I only ever feel depressed when I'm surrounded by such people'. It's like you can't necessarily pick the subtle ways they degrade but you can feel it and then analyse how they're managing to have this impact or you can simply detach from them in favour of finding a different circle of people, who you can feel raising you.

Sounds a bit strange perhaps but if someone has a catalogue of what they feel as depressing, they can run through that catalogue so as to put their finger on exactly what's setting off the feeling of depression. Kind of like a handy reference guide, if that makes sense. Sounds simple but the problem with this can come down to when a new depressing factor arises and there's no reference for it. Then you have to work it out. A new one might involve the length of time we've been living in the same house, for example. No change in where we live can become a depressing factor. 'Same old, same old' can become depressing to a degree. Add that one to the catalogue.

Developing the management strategies for managing what we know to be depressing can be such a challenge at times.

[Guest_1584]

Hi rising , l'll have to drop back tonight but just dropped by for a skim atm.

Funny though you mentioning stagnation in where we live. l do have housing drama on going 3yrs now but one thing l don't have is stagnation. l'd actually like some of that as l've moved so much in my life , to new worlds not just around the corner. l've forgotten over the yrs that while l've just craved being still and some kind of steady , others might be going through the opposite , can't win.

[Guest_1584]

'

On another note, for no rhyme or reason or to the degree of needing to make lists, wouldn't that then be more a clinical depression? If not then maybe they just don't know themselves and what's making them tick.

People wise ooo, that's nasty , it sounds like you def' need to be moving away from them Weird in that way l had this mate for yrs at one stage and he was like that my God he was a downing type person. He'd complain and moan and groan about anything and everything. l told him that one day and you know what he said , noooo, l love life. Huhhh, speaking of people not seeing or knowing themselves. He did also have some very good qualities though particularly as in a friend and l'd always seen and appreciated those but in the end the imbalance just wasn't worth it.

rx

[therising]

Hi rx

Definitely worth knowing, what we can manage and/or tolerate about people and what we can't. Kind of like can I manage and/or tolerate the way a friend or relative continuously puts people down? If I manage that by saying, every time they do it, 'Look, that's just degrading. Why be so degrading? Let's not go there, it's depressing and I can feel it seriously agitating me' and their response is always to laugh at me and continue speaking poop, is it really worth the effort (maintaining a connection)? If I manage by only seeing them once a month, as opposed to often, do I kind of dread going to see them? Do I get worked up before I see them, while expecting them to agitate me in regard to the way they speak about people? Should I have to manage what they flat out refuse to control? If they can't manage what they do with their thoughts while gaining more respect for me and how I feel, should I really have to manage or tolerate that?

I've found such contemplation to be a natural self esteem booster over time. 'Should I have to tolerate someone else not caring to manage the relationship I share with them?' tends to prompt a 'No' response these days 🙂

[Guest_1584]

Yeah, l had a bit of a habit earlier in life of somehow winding up around people that just weren't good for me, it was weird really. For some reason those types seem to end up the more lasting so called friendships. But as with that particular mate too , they'd also did just have things as a friend that l really liked too and so in that way it'd usually just go on.

Eventually though l started pulling the pin around people like that good sides to them or not, bc l'd still see that other side of them and have accept the fact that l basically just didn't even like them very much bc of it. That often meant so in the end not having many friends at all bc genuinely good people seem so damn rare, but then l'd think well, so bit it !

rx

[therising]

Hi rx

It's interesting, the many ways people manage depression or manage not being depressed. It's like if you know you're prone to feeling anything that's depressing and where that can take you (to a dark place, fast), you have to manage a lot of that. Bridge burning can be a productive form of management at times.

I smile as what comes to mind are the words 'Everyone should have their own form of bridge burning ceremony'. Can be hard to burn a bridge that connects us to someone, hard for a lot of reasons. Maybe we still care about them in some way but can't tolerate how deeply depressing they can be. We can feel them slowly destroying us. Maybe someone's been good to us and there's a sense of guilt or betrayal when it comes to burning that bridge. Maybe we can feel like the other person needs the bridge, they really need us in soulful ways and by taking care of that bridge we might feel like we're going to depress them. Anyone who's felt the impact of depression naturally doesn't want anyone else to experience that.

The burning ceremony can sometimes resemble a ceremony of indecisiveness, lighting matches and blowing them out dozens of times. You light one, based on what you know you need to do, then all of a sudden the other person does something really kind and thoughtful and you think 'What the heck was I thinking?!'. Then the moment comes when you light another match, all ready to go. 'I'm going to do it this time, I really am' and then they do another nice thing. I think, when we get to the end of the box of matches and there's only one left, in reality every match we've lit reflects the number of times they may have brought us down. Every match blown out also reflects the number of times where we've managed to forgive or tolerate what's intolerable. The last one can be the most tormenting one of all: Once I use this, there's no going back.

When I think about it, this bridge burning ceremony, I think of my decision to end my marriage (in it's current form). With this connection or bridge I share with my husband, I look at this last match and it's one that leads me to tears. What comes to mind is 'You can't go back. You cannot go back again. Use this wisely'. I think, once we burn the bridge, we set the boundary. There is no going back. We have to want to set the boundary, in a self respecting way.

Down the track, if what we find is a fully restructured connection with that person, that's a whole other story.