When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

[Guest_1584]

lt really pisses me of the way tides can just turn emotionally and in spirits and so MH wise at times.

My world's been a bit of a fine line this last yr or two particularly people wise. My d's been over at her mums a lot, even though it was extremely stressful when she's here of late anyway with her troubles and then mine. My brother that normally lives up in my area has been down at his gf's last 4 or 5mths. They've lived 3hrs apart 20yrs now but usually only visit ea other a few wks at a time. Must admit l'm really missing our yarns with a beer and to top it of he's gonna a bit distant and weird since he went down to hers. And my gf is still interstate and will be until Dec, as it stands at the moment , so we're surviving on messaging and calls.

There's been so much time alone these days l've really been wondering about life , and to of how my ways have made my life this way to really. The thing is l don't feel like going out and joining this club or doing that thing or whatever , just to meet people, and l don't even like too many people in my life anyway, a few is plenty.Trouble is with just a few, things can easily tun into this when those few are all away or doing things for any length of time all at once. But at the same time l do this to myself as well and have most of my adult life , pushing people ways when it gets to much .

rx

[therising]

Hi rx

Time to our self is a gift at times and at other times it feels more like a curse. Being left alone with our own thoughts can definitely become taxing. On one hand, thoughts can be 'I love being on my own, being free to do whatever I want. I love having no one to answer to' etc. On the other hand, when the thoughts are challenging, challenging us to find answers to the greater complexities in life...oh my goodness. It can get dark pretty fast at times.

I think when a state of serious contemplation can go on for days or weeks, connecting with others can be a welcomed break here and there, from all that contemplation. If we're a natural born analyst or wonderer, being in a state of analysis or wonder without a break can get pretty exhausting and even depressing at times. Of course, not having certain people around who typically fast track us through challenges is another factor.

Rx, I'm a serious cycler. I'll cycle through the same process over and over. I only worked this out in the last couple of years. Better late than never. The cycle, if it was a clock: At quarter to, life can be going so incredibly well. At some point in time I'll enter into 'I love this. Why's it all going so well?'. A couple of revelations may come to mind that might lead me to think 'Of course. It makes sense'. I feel so inspired and energised by the time I hit 12. It's fantastic. Then, if someone or something challenges me in some significant way, I won't necessarily feel myself enter into a down shift coming out of that high, as I head towards quarter past. By the time I hit quarter past, I can feel the downshift while it comes with more serious contemplation/questioning. Between this point and half past, things can become depressing or potentially depressing. Stuff like 'Why does that person not care about me?' or 'Why I am so hopeless at working things out?'. At the half past point some constructive revelations begin to come in. For example, 'It's not that they don't care, they're just not actively caring' or 'You haven't been seeing enough of the person/people who lead you to feel hope and the ability work things out more easily'. Bamm, into an up shift, where things start becoming a lot clearer, before the quarter to point comes 'round again. I finally reached the conclusion...every revolution/cycle happens for the sake of evolution. Every revolution (through a challenge) raises me to a higher level of self understanding. Between quarter past and half past can be dark.

[Guest_1584]

Hi rising

Aren't you married with a family though ? Any time alone you can get is a God sent in that situation . Still , must admit, since divorce l've had some beautiful opportunities in life and really l shouldn't be in this situation now. Anyone else would've looked up to the heavens put their hands together and thanked the Gods but nooo, not me. But tbh too, l have had trouble going back to the world of 2 or 3 of us and coping, since being alone again after 22yrs of not.l wasn't sure if l wanted to remarry or maybe just live alone. l suppose and l bloody hate labels but at this age l might as well admit it though, really, l'm quite introvertish. l love people and company but on my own terms though, until l don't anymore. And at that point if l don't get the space when l need it l start pushing away and hence my situation, self inflicted as usual. People that know me know it or if they don't know me well enough l get invites and efforts but in time they put it together too and back away.

lt's a stupid way to be because l know what the out come will be and that we really have to except and be tolerable if we want people in our lives take the goods with the bads. My partner wanted to move in 3yrs ago , and now she can't atm now that l am ready and it will be longer yet now, bc of the situation l caused by pushing it away earlier. l could tell this story 20times through my life with people in one way or another. Of course a partner is far more than just people, but it has been the same outcome none the less, self inflicted.

ps , do you have a thread around for your married situation or ? People might be able to help .

rx

[Guest_1584]

Well , 6yrs here and this house had grey walls, and l bloody hate grey , could you get a more depressing colour.

But first of all , it was actually quite a nice shade of grey , for a grey. It's had a sort of beige tinge so not a typical cold grey grey. But secondly , the trim was a nice light sky blue so that softened the grey even more . But colours are a huge thing through depression , just think sunny blue sky you feel fantastic just bc , or grey cloud cold and dark , you feel like crap, just bc.

Wellll, was l gonna stay , how much work would do on the place if l didn't, to sell l'd use different colours than if l was staying didn't wanna do it twice encase l decided to stay and so one thing and another , it's stayed grey and blue trim. Until today !!!!. Went and grabbed some cans of mutual colours sat for a test run bc l'm still here and couldn't stand the grey any longer. l've done two halls today , both entrances , so that even if l do sell, it looks nice coming in. Wowwww, whata difference. l must've been crazy putting up with grey 6yrs.

Over and out.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Do people find it helps to push themselves into doing something during depression ? Be it a temp fix l suppose, but it does give at least some feel good and satisfaction.

rx

[Elizabeth CP]

Sometimes pushing yourself to do something is helpful. Feeling satisfaction for achieving something or getting a task of the to do list is very helpful. Sometimes getting moving or getting outside gets blood flowing and can make us feel a bit better and perhaps more able to keep going doing something helpful. The other day I went on an activity with other carers. It was very stressful getting there. Things I used to find easy like catching a train into the city was stressful but I pushed through and found the activity really helpful and will make it easer to go to a similar event in the future.

Conversely sometimes pushing through leaves you feeling worse particularly if you find you are so tired or stressed that you can't do what you planned effectively. I have done this in the past and felt far worse as it just confirms your negative thoughts.

I guess you need to decide why you should push or why you need to rest or avoid the activity to allow you more time to recover This allows you to make a better choice.

I recently went to a close relative for some advice. I felt I need to go away this weekend for a break because of my poor MH but then was asked to babysit my grandkids. Normally babysitting is pleasant and I would feel satisfied feeling I could help my dtr and her kids. Am I using my MH as an excuse to avoid doing it or am I pushing myself too hard and putting myself at risk of a complete breakdown. I am really struggling.

This relative told me to go away to give myself a chance to recover. He used an analogy of a cut which is bandaged up to stop the bleeding. It starts to heal but if you then start using the hand too soon the cut will burst open and take longer to heal and leave a worse scar. He explained my MH is like that cut. I have t bandaged up so I'm sort of coping and look OK from the outside but if I put myself in any stressful situation even if it would normally be manageable but cuurently I am too vulnerable and ay stress will make me far worse and delay recovery. I don't know if I've explained this properly.

[Guest_1584]

Hi Elizabeth and thanks for your input.

And l agree with your relative it's pretty clear you really need the break atm and l hope you can manage to get it . Taking the kids would be one of those times where you know you just aren't up to it's best if you didn't by the sounds.

l know what you mean in the things and times you describe and yeah l've found it pretty well the same to. There's the times when it will probably do me good but also no real harm done even if it doesn't but yeah, others though like the way your feeling atm , where in all honestly l know l just aren't up to it. At those times if l go against that and try or force, it will usually shake me up and set me back.

One big thing l've been questioning this last few yrs is will just getting on with things, even forcing yourself to , drag us out of it and l've tried a lot of things this last few yrs and forced others. But from everything people have talked about in this thread like your own situation and in other threads around, it seems nope , we can't really push ourselves out of it . l've found sure l might get some feel good and temp relief , but it's pretty short lived and often takes more out of me mentally in the end to .

There's been a lot of people talking and putting in huge efforts around through the forum and into their lives as well as the talk about things going on and l really take my hat of to them . But l also notice a lot of them have just disappeared later and l wonder if they also found that pushing and effort had the same effect on them to in the end.

ldk.

Take care. rx

[CMF]

Oh wow. How exciting. The house will have a completely different feel when you're done. My older d & I did same thing few years ago. Our walls were a mint green colour. We painted a neutral beige colour. I prefer soft, warm neutrals as opposed to white. White is a little clinical & cold to me. Neutrals are so much easier when it comes to furniture colours etc.

I'm excited for you. Are you changing the blue trim too?

[Guest_1584]

How nice cm especially with your daughter,

My d was suppose to help me last yr we were going to do it but unfortunately she went back into depression and just wasn't up to it. l would've loved us to do something real like that at the time and it might've helped her . lt's ridiculous really l haven't done this place yrs ago anyway l use to paint for a living and later on l was also an artists 12yrs. Dunno how far l'll get now but we see.

Funny you mention whites, on all those Aus home reno shows or even display homes on tv ads yeah, white white white, know what you mean they look like sterile hospitals, there's no earth or warmth in them at all. Anywayyyy lf l do do the whole house l do have to keep it sorta neutral bc l'm probably selling so yeah l just got this quite a nice beige and a rich cream for the trim. Trying that out on one hall and the loo which was all grey and pretty dark before but gees what a difference.

[therising]

Hi rx

I smile as hear your expression of satisfaction when it comes to the painting. Can be hard to follow through when hearing that part of us that insists on some long overdue change, especially when another part of us is insisting what we're facing isn't that bad. When finally going ahead with the change, you compare the 2 dialogues and realise how incredibly different they are: 'This isn't that bad. I don't mind it' compared with 'I absolutely love this' (the new change). I finished painting a small study area in my house just a week ago. I now go into that room just to get a hit of satisfaction and dopamine. Good on you for making the change and finding a new way to getting a high 🙂

I don't have a thread running regarding my marriage. I thought about creating one. I find the circle of people I have in my life (my family) have been incredibly helpful so far. If they start to become unhelpful and/or stressful, I'll definitely reconsider creating the thread. I have offerings of financial support from my brother (in the way of funding me leaving until the house is sold and I can pay him back) and support from my mum and sister who've both been through separating from their husbands. I'm big on researching the ways of personal reformation, which is also helping. Actually reading a truly mind altering book at the moment, 'Atomic Habits' by James Clear. One of the most brilliant books I've ever come across.

As you and Elizabeth were touching on, 'To push or not to push?', that is the question sometimes. I suppose it depends on a variety of factors. Probably the major factor comes down to knowing what state we're in, for a start. In a state of severe depression, perhaps the goal is to push our self not toward the things we can't manage but the things we can. If reaching out for help and support is the only thing we can manage at the time, so be it. The push to help others, like with babysitting, is only constructive if we've got the energy or it offers the opportunity to create energy, otherwise we're just pushing our self or being pushed by others into a state of further exhaustion. I find the most challenging push is the one that involves instinct, what you're body's telling you, what naturally comes to mind (through your higher consciousness or the powers that be) or what constructive inner dialogue is kinda nagging or screaming in some way. To go with all that can be challenging, to push against it can prove tormenting as it creates internal battle.