UPDATED: Hating every minute

[Quivz]

I've got no money, no job, no real friends who i can talk to about anything more serious than TV shows, am 31 living with my parents, no car, disfiguring psoriasis and a back problem that makes it impossible to stand or sit for anything longer an hour or two. I definitely have the problem of not being able to recall having felt positive about anything in years. All my friends have settled down and got married so i never see anyone anymore and I'm bored and lonely. I'm not suicidal, but i think that's only because i know what it would do to my mum.

I've tried to get professional help, but with no money i've just been run around the public system from incompetent to no english (or both) until I'd used all my free sessions and haven't even been diagnosed yet. Well i was once, but he was one of the incompetents. He was so computer illiterate he typed with only his index fingers at around 5 words a minute. He spent most of the session typing (that slowly) what i was saying into a translator, because he couldn't understand any of the words over 3 syllables i was using (I'm a uni graduate and tend to articulate using precise language), said i was definitely suffering from depression and then totally failed to save any of the documentation onto my medical records. I found this out because he told me to go back and see my GP about seeing a specialist as it wouldn't be covered if it wasn't the GP that wrote the recommendation. The GP told me i have to see a psychiatrist and be assessed first before he could make that kind of recommendation and was extremely unhelpful when i explained that the psychiatrist had sent me to him. I think he thought i was just trying to get drugs. And that was the best of all the free psychologists and psychiatrists i was able to see.

 I've been unemployed for ages and have no references i have been able to make contact with. I cant work in any form of customer service because having to deal with strangers all the time drives me crazy enough that i would rather make myself sick than go to work (i eat off food, or have nothing but dairy for days so that i get ill. I don't know if that counts as self harm, but if it does then i do that rather than deal with people constantly). And even non-customer service jobs where i have to talk to colleagues all the time makes me feel this way too (social anxiety/introversion?).

 I don't know what to do to stop feeling so helpless. I can't even see the same GP twice in a row cos i dont have a family doctor or anything like that, just a centre where there are doctors and the first one free sees you and they never want to deal with anything more complex than a sick certificate. they wont do anything about my back except recommend a physio at $65 a session which i cant afford. My psoriasis is slowly taking over my face so nobody who doesn't already know me wants to talk to me so i cant meet anyone new. My parents are the sort of people who think mental illness is an excuse to be slack or to take drugs and tell me at least once a week that I'm slack or useless cos i cant find work.

 I truly feel like I've been backed into a corner from every direction at once. I've tried to deal with things one at a time, but life just wont let me as the other problems demand attention before i can make any headway and i just end up feeling smothered again. Please tell me how i can help myself?

[Neil_1]

Hi there Quivz

Welcome back to the Beyond Blue community here.

Just reading your post, it tells me that you are certainly giving things a good go – seeking out possible employment, firstly via DES and now back to Centrelink. All that takes a lot of effort and so you should be very proud of yourself for getting so involved with this.

I can understand the lack of motivation in seeing a psych, in which you feel there is not improvement or benefit happening.  I know it’s always a big effort and major hurdle to overcome, and I’m just wondering if you feel you have a repour with this person, or might it be worthwhile, to possibly try another professional in this field?  Maybe someone else might be able to deliver a different response and style for you – because as we know, everyone is different.

I hear you when you say about the future and the lack of possibility for recovery – but for me, I rather look at it in the way of:  continuing what I’m doing – to “keep” fighting the fight;  to never stop fighting, to keep all mechanisms in place and so I keep everything in a positive frame of mind as much as I can.  That way, I try to avoid the long term thought process, as this can have bad effects on us – channel that thought process to elsewhere and dominate your mind with feelings and thoughts of positiveness.

Kind regards

Neil

[Quivz]

Always nice to hear your thoughts Neil.

 It has been difficult to avoid thinking about the long term, but a strategy that has helped me in the last week or so is actually focusing on the mid term. At some point i will be improved enough to achieve some of what i think i need to. It's not the whole package, but some is better than none and ignoring where the end point might be motivates me to get to the mid point, which brings the end point closer. I recommend trying to achieve this mindset for others who find the long term disheartening. It may not work for everyone but it's novel and certainly helps me.

 I have a pretty good rapport with my psych. I feel comfortable and its quite easy to talk openly, even if she challenges my conceptions. I just don't really know what she's trying to achieve on my behalf. I do however have a simple solution for that. I will ask her next session.

 I've found myself in an anxiety inducing situation recently, which is actually a little amusing on introspection. As part of my requirements with centrelink i'm doing a course (one day a week for 3 weeks) on job seeking. Its pretty standard, but i like these things because you can always get some new tips or even just confirmation that you're doing everything right already. However as is usual with group activities of this type my personality has drawn people to me. This is often the root of my problem with workplaces and caused me some considerable stress during my university study too. How i become the nucleus of groups is beyond me, but it always happens. Its amazing that someone like me who would rather be alone tends to make people want to interact with me. Everybody is nice, at the course, and trying to be helpful with recommendations of jobs and things i could be pursuing, but i can neither explain how, thanks to my anxiety, I'd rather they just back off or explain why some of those jobs would be unsuitable for the same reason. When I'm out of the situation its an amusing dichotomy, but when I'm in it, its just stressful. But i am working on that too and I'm less likely to be truant than i would have previously and if nothing else completing the course will reinforce my determination to overcome such obstacles.

[Quivz]

I'm amazed it's been so long since i last posted...

I have not improved in a year. I'm still unemployed and can't come up with any viable job options. I tried going back to uni, but after less than a semester it began being so difficult i struggled to finish. I made it, just, and passed 3 of my 4 topics. The 4th was incomplete for a while because there was a requirement i had not met (too anxious), but is now a fail because despite the university's extreme leniency i was not able to bring myself to finish it. I felt as if the break was 1 day even though its more like a month and couldn't get going again for the second semester. I withdrew and am now tossing up whether to return next year. So after about 2 years of stockpiling willpower i had enough for about 3 months worth of 10 contact hours a week before the tank ran dry. At that rate i'll finish my 2 year masters around 2025.

I'm on a new antidepressant but it hardly helps anymore. The simplest things remind me of my situation and bring me down again. I saw a new psych for a while, but they didn't have anything new for me either.I continue to try and use what i've learned, but its nothing i haven't been doing since i was a child so it doesn't amount to any improvement. i just know the names for things i've been doing all my life.

My last remaining friend just moved to thailand so i've lost the last vestiges of my already stunted social life. i only leave the house now to fill prescriptions or go to a drive-through. I cant manage centrelink requirements so i have no income and i'm down to my last 200 dollars. So soon there wont be any drive-through.

My psoriasis is spreading and my fitness is non-existant so i'm pretty much undateable even if i could meet someone, which i cant, so i've got myself coming and going there.

I've pretty much lost the will to do anything, since i'm cornered by my condition anyway. Every step i've taken in the last 3 years appears to lead right back to where i am, with a little more wisdom, but no new answers or options. Sometimes i fantasize about robbing a bank, because at least if i was in jail the burden i put on society will be spread around the whole tax paying society rather than just my parents.

[blondguy]

Hi Quivz

Great to have you posting back

After reading your posts you are in a dark place right now....I currently take AD's for approx 20 years that work and used to have acute anxiety so I have a partial understanding of what you are going through..

I have been on Newstart since Jan this year after being made redundant but I have a good grasp of how painful centerlink can be. Can I ask if you had any joy applying for the DSP? I just may be able to help you...

I feel 'undateable' as well as I still have this depression hanging around which doesnt make me that appealing for a date.

Just a thought, can I try to help you with centerlink? At least we can try to get some dollars coming in...If you dont mind me helping you of course.

I have read about the difficulties you are having at uni....as you know we can be here for you on that as well.

You are going through so much Quiv,

Welcome back too....If you could post back about centerlink that would be a start....Im sure there will be more responses coming your way. I'm Paul and nice to meet you

My kind thoughts for you

[White_Rose]

Hello Quivz

Welcome back to Beyond Blue. I am sad for you that your life has not picked as much as you would like. It was good that you managed to go to uni and completed the four subjects. I completed a degree part time as I was working, so I understand the pressures of getting assignments etc completed. Exams for me were the worst thing. I seemed to have a complete memory block. Subjects that had no exams were fantastic. Just a thought, can you complete this degree online?

What happened about the medication you were taking for your psoriasis? I thought you were getting a lot of benefit from that.

You said So after about 2 years of stockpiling willpower I had enough for about 3 months worth of 10 contact hours a week before the tank ran dry. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you cannot stockpile willpower or any thing of that sort. It's like exercise and improving body strength, you must do some every day. Sad I know. I am supposed to exercise far more often than I do but find my motivation slips at times. Yes, it's hard work, as I am finding to my dismay re exercise, but the only way to improve your willpower is to practice every day.

Do you still see your GP regularly? I thought you had found someone you could relate to and was comfortable. Another piece of sad news, antidepressants will not cure you. They help to take away the worst of your symptoms to give you more space to work on your depression. ADs help your brain to function better and help with regulating your mood.

And talking about exercise, she said taking a right turn, how about a walk every morning? The benefits of exercise are very well documented. It releases endorphins into your body and helps you to feel more refreshed. It also helps your fitness, which may be an obvious thing to say, but just being fit has a good effect on depression.

So two good things to do, see your GP and up the exercise. The third good thing is to practice your willpower and you can do this by deciding to go for a walk every day and meet with your GP. Have you ever tried Mindfulness? You can search online for information about this. Some psychs use a process called Mindfulness CBT. The great thing about mindfulness is that you can do it on your own and it doesn't cost money.

So have a go at all these things with the reward they will make you feel better, which I think is the first step.

Keep posting here. Imagine us all cheering from the sidelines.

Mary

[MarkJT]

Quivz, i have no understanding about your work or uni predicament however can offer some thoughts on your mental heath scenario.

Exercise was huge for me when i was recovering (and continue to do to maintain my mental and physical health). What I did was put my running shoes, socks, shorts, singlet, sunnies and hat beside my bed when i went to sleep. The next morning when i just about always wanted to pull the doona over my head and forget about the world, i knew that everything i needed was right there beside me. Most mornings this worked and I would get up and go for a run which felt great once i was doing it. A couple of mornings, I just couldn't do it and pretty stayed inside but it got to such a habit that i was nearly automatically getting up as if my mental health was good.

Can defiantly recommend mindfulness. I do it everyday and half the time i don't even recognise that I am doing it. It is very calming and also a fantastic grounding tool.

Great to see you back posting, that is awesome so please keep reaching out if need be, there is a whole lot of support in here for you.

Cheers

Mark

[Quivz]

Hey people. Yeah it had been ages. i guess i was really distracted with uni, which was stressful but i didn't feel as depressed during that period. Or more precisely, i did, but i didn't have the time to dwell on it.

I've applied for the DSP before, but didn't qualify. I've read all the info on it and honestly i agree with centrelink. I'm not MUCH better than their requirements, but i am better than that. It would only be a part solution anyway, as the DSP is only enough to live on if you live with others, which goes against my want of independent living. I would be much happier with my own place. It would be better than the pressure of newstart though. I know my way around the centrelink system very well having done around 5-6 years of it before. But newstart isn't a good fit, I can't look for work as readily as others. I have to be more selective in work types and work places and i cant manage that while doing newstart requirements. I was with a DESP who were great and quite understanding, but they still had their hands tied by centrelink requirements. And i cant seriously look for full time work with full time uni a few months away. And no you cant do a masters (at least not the one i'm doing) externally.

Exercise has always been difficult for me. I've started, and failed to continue with, so many things. Sports, running, walking, yoga, weights and the gym. I try to keep going but i seldom last more than a few weeks. Another one in a similar vein is diet. I can't eat well where i'm living with no money to do it. My parents cook once a week, if that, and they dont buy ingredients that lend themselves to healthy eating. I get buy on one meal a day most of the time and that meal is often terrible, hotdogs, egg sandwiches and cheese toasties are probably the best ones.

Honestly i don't know how i'm going to get out of the rut i'm in. I can't even imagine a job i could actually do let alone successfully apply for and get one. Living with parents who see my reticence as laziness and dont understand either depression or anxiety is a chore, but an unavoidable one until i can come up with enough income to get my own place. I certainly have no autonomy here since i only have my bedroom as my own space and even that has to conform to rules i didn't set. Since my last close friend moved away this bedroom is nearly all i've seen. I'm going to try and get out more, but doing so alone often makes me feel worse, but its better than being cooped up all the time.

[Quivz]

So... I did go to uni last semester. I did 3 topics and failed 2. One of them was the same topic i failed in 2016. I had a bad depressive episode mid semester and simply couldn't juggle everything to get back on track. Nonetheless i am going again this semester because its that or live on zero dollars, which isn't really living anyway. I've tried it for six months and it can mostly be described as "hungry". Especially since i can no longer stomach 5 meals a week of microwave hotdogs on bread.

My depression is no longer constant, but comes and goes. I think perhaps i'm simply resigned to my situation so i don't think about how i would like to be as much and just get on with what i can. I am less capable of working than ever as a result because i no longer even feel bad for a hypothetical employer. I wouldn't even try to force myself on my bad days. I would just stay away, knowing that even if i get fired i would find that easier to deal with. Neither do i feel motivated to try and find something as in the 3ish years I've been looking i haven't seen one job i could have done. So I've given up on that as its a waste of time to keep looking for things that don't exist. If I ever improve, that's when i'll go back to job hunting, but right now its totally moot.

I got some in-hospital treatment for my psoriasis which got a bit better, then instantly went back to where it was pre-treatment. So I've given up ever having another relationship since i'm now mentally, financially and physically handicapped right out of the dating game. Nothing quite like looking like one big scab for turning off the ladies. Which has pretty much left me with no goals other than "don't die". At least that one is easily achievable while i still have somewhere to live.

I despise living with my parents more and more each day, but have no other options. I've been out of ideas since my last post and don't have the willpower to look for answers anymore. So i pretty much live in this little bedroom at my desk or in my single bed that i don't actually fit on (rooms too small for any other options), waiting for things to happen. I do go to uni when absolutely necessary, but i got that down to 3 hours a week last semester, but it'll probably be 4 this one.

Hope everyone is doing well. I'll probably be back around November or December after uni wraps up with another update.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Quivz,

You might remember me from posts that I made to you, oh back a couple of years now, I reckon.

You've put together a fairly decent case for all the issues and stresses that you're encountering, and there's enough there for MORE than one person.

Aside from Uni, are there other times when you are able to get "out and about"?

Did I ever ask, way back, about other interests/hobbies that you may have? Things of enjoyment that you find? Movies, music, books, sports, things along those lines?

You write really well, so even anything to do with writing ... journals or something similar?

Neil

[MarkJT]

Quivz, motivation to continue exercise can be hard to come by that is for sure. If you exercise enough though, it becomes habit but until we can get to that, have you thought about challenging yourself?

Do you think that on the 1st of August, you do one push up and one sit up. That is all.

On the 2nd of August, you do two push ups and two sit ups.

On the 3rd of August, you do three push ups and three sit ups etc and so on until the end of the month.

Setting little achievable goals can substantially help maintaining a fitness regime.

You will find the more you do it, the more confidence you will have within yourself to continue.

Mark.