This morning and happy.

[ABC01]

Dear all,

This morning I woke up and was having my breakfast and I thought “I kind of feel happy right now”. And my mind hated it and the reaction was to immediately started sliding back into feeling bad again.

 I wasn’t feeling euphoric or positive happy,I felt just normal. For about 20 minutes.

I have been through alot in the last couple of months and depression has taken me into dark places and the majority of my days are depressed and wanting to sleep or cry.

Why did I do that to myself? I deserve to feel even just a bit normal.

Am I now so used to feel this way,that feeling normal is uncomfortable to be in. Or is it guilt ,blame or regret of some sort. 

Can anyone help?

ABC01

[therising]

Hi ABC01

I think just about every time there's some sort of challenge a new emotion tends to pop up, which then leads to the thought 'What is this emotion that I'm feeling?'. Then it can trigger a whole stack of other questions, like

• Why am I'm feeling it?
• Have I felt it at any stage of my life before? If I have, how come I didn't feel the need to identify it then?
• How does it tie into my other emotions or feelings or challenges?

and the list of questions goes on.

Personally, I have a compulsion to identify emotions or certain feelings. I think it stems from the need to understand myself better, so that I can manage my mental health and perspective. Kind of like 'What is this feeling? Where's it heading? Is it leading me into a depression? Do I need help making sense of it?' and so on.

I think 'contentment' (for me) tends to not be a feeling of great happiness or a depressing feeling. It's neither one thing nor the other. Maybe it has a dash of peace to it, an ounce of relief, a dollop of optimism and a few other ingredients. I suppose it's a 'middle ground' kind of feeling or 'grounded' feeling. It's not super high happy 'let's take flight' and it's not an 'underground' or a 'depression' type of emotion. I've found that contentment typically comes during the absence of other emotions. If there is the absence of sadness, stress, anxiety, turmoil, despair etc (even momentarily), contentment may come to fill the void. If we're someone who feels all the time, something has to fill that void. It may as well be contentment, after all it's not a bad feeling but it can lead us to question how we've managed to come to feel it 😊

[ABC01]

Dear therising,

I'd had a good and decent sleep for once, got up at a decent time instead of letting myself sleep until it was actually almost painful to do anymore(like my body had had enough and my mind was like, we (the body and mind) need to do something else, anything else then sleep), I was watching the time for getting ready for an appointment without any financial worry this time and the day before I had had decent conversations about my mental health status with my parents and got more positive feedback then negative, which has been the prior case. None of my medications (Finally after nearly 3 whole months) were giving me any side effects. I think I had a brief interlude of relief after weeks and months of struggling and being exhausted all the time.

I am also working with the loss of someone I Ioved so dearly nearly 5 and a half months ago. So maybe I may have felt a bit of guilt for feeling happy/relief for those few minutes too.

My emotions are truly all over the place and I am overwhelmed by them. But you did pose a good question at the end of your post. How I managed to feel that?

Thank you for your reply.

But I was just seriously eating my cereal one moment and then that thought just came in the next when I realised I wasn't down as much.

I did spend the rest of the day down though. Too many memories are swirling through my mind and making me want to cry because I miss them so much. But I do know there are grief cycles. Depression doesn't help them.

But if I can identify why the feelings are down and why,then that is a start.

Thank-you again.

ABC01

[therising]

Hi ABC01

I've found that revelations tend to come at the simplest of times, like with at the breakfast table, in the shower, on the toilet etc. Of course, they come at other times too but time on our own (sometimes in contemplation) tends to conjure them more easily. Meditating on things, without distraction, tends to bring about some amazing revelations, happy ones, depressing ones, stressful ones and so on, depending on where we're at in our life. It's like, for a moment, the mind opens and a revelation comes in. Then the mind closes, just as easily and as quickly as it opened. Perhaps it's about what we do with that revelation, once it has entered and our mind has closed again. A bit of a romantic way of looking at things but I've come to see an opening and closing of the mind as a kind of 'breathing', for lack of a better word. Inspiration means breathing in. Expiration means breathing out. In and out, in and out, so many times over our lifetime. Btw, it also means certain beliefs can have an expiration date, once they're replaced by what comes to be inspirational.

Whether it be mental energy we can feel through thoughts, inner dialogue, certain belief systems etc, physical energy we can feel through our chemistry and physical processes or natural energy, we can feel so much in a variety of different ways. For a deeply feeling person, this can definitely pose so many challenges. In some cases, we can be feeling the best recipe for happiness or contentment, the right combination of ingredients. The right amount of sleep, the right type/s of conversation, the right volume of energy, the right chemistry without challenging side effects and so on. So, if everything's right, there's nothing wrong, until we feel what's wrong. Again, if we're a deeply feeling or sensitive person, we'll sense both sides of the feeling coin. It may be in our nature to have the ability to get a sense of or a feel for both sides, the light and the dark.

I think what can sometimes feel so dark can involve the absence of something or someone. In the absence of someone or something that brought us joy, we'll feel the absence of joy. In the absence of someone or something that often brought us a greater sense of self acceptance, self understanding and enlightenment, we may feel the absence of self acceptance, self understanding and the absence of much needed light. In the absence of enough dopamine with which to feel high end energy, excitement and happiness through, we'll feel the absence of dopamine. Being able to sense or feel what or who is not there can be one of the greatest challenges in life. 

[ABC01]

Thank you therising,

I am well aware of everything that my lost loved one made me feel daily. I used to revel in it, tell them how much they meant to me and my life and wonder how I got so lucky. So I do know everything I am missing now. And I feel all of it.

In a way, that love is poetic and beautiful. On the other side of that coin, it can be soul crushing and cruel.

I truly need some dopamine in my life.

Are there natural ways to get dopamine?

ABC01

[therising]

Hi ABC01

My heart goes out to you as you face what has to be the most challenging aspect of love. Learning to live without someone who was such a fundamental part of our evolution can definitely lead to the question 'How do I live and love without them?'. It can be fair to say 'I don't know how to fully live'. It can also be fair to say 'No one has ever shown me how to do it, which helps explain why the struggle is so intense and overwhelming at times. I will be kind and patient with myself as I now come to learn the ways'. While everyone feels love and loss differently, I think it definitely pays to ask others how and what they learned.

While I'm a soulful gal at heart, I fully acknowledge another aspect of who we are. The unromantic version is 'A big fleshy bag of energy systems and chemical reactions'. Very unromantic, indeed. The energy systems that rely heavily on chemical reactions or chemical energy include the cardiovascular system, endocrine system, nervous system, musculoskeletal system so on and so on. On a matter of fact level, the person we love and have lost may have been a significant catalyst in our life when it comes to helping us maintain high or healthy levels of chemical energy, while also being really good for our energy systems and mental health. So, if they were good for our mind, our body and our soul, they helped us hit the trifecta in life. The loss of such a person can relate to far more than we may imagine.

Googling 'Natural methods to increase dopamine levels' could be the way to go. While people could simply suggest 'You need to get out more and exercise' or 'You need to start eating better', what they may not include is why we should do these things. The right research will tell you how the body works on a physical or chemical energy level. I've learned with depression that there's not a huge difference between being a mad scientist and a sad scientist. Experimenting with what produces the best chemical reaction/s can be a trial and error thing but it can eventually pay off. While a beaker or test tube can't feel the best or the right chemical reaction, we humans can. From tiny reactions or side effects to significant ones (or none at all), we have the advantage of being able to feel what works and what doesn't.

While chemistry and biology don't tend to address the power of imagination all that much (unless we're talking about the placebo effect), meditating on what we imagine can have a whole variety of positive side effects. The deeper we go into our imagination/meditation the more positive the side effects in some cases. For example, in your imagination where would you meet with your loved one? Somewhere outdoors? How would they appear? Would they be smiling? If you meet with them somewhere outdoors, can you feel the sun on you, it's warmth? Can you smell the perfume or aftershave they loved to wear? What would be the first thing that they'd say to you? Would it be comforting or would it be something to make you laugh? Would it be possible to meet with them in your imagination everyday at 6am or 6pm or a time that suits you? I won't go on, you get the gist. If you have a very strong, vivid and well exercised imagination, it should be fairly easy for you to get into it. Some people imagine a door or a gate that they open, in order to gain full access to it. The thing is we can't stay in there because reality demands we return. We have to come back through the door or gate. So, half an hour access (into the imagination) each day can be enough natural medicine for the mind, body and soul. Of course, such a meditation can be a very emotional experience. Perhaps the question becomes not about how to live without someone but how to learn to live with them in new ways.

[ABC01]

Dear therising,

 I am a reality type of person. And grief and loss are real. I don’t know if meditation in this fashion would be more harmful or not. I am trying not to hold on to them too much,whilst letting go slowly, for my own health. I am kind of stubborn and digging my heels in trying to keep them here. But at the same time, a little consumed by it all. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. I don’t know, I am having a rough morning.

Thank you for your reply anyway.

ABC01.

[therising]

If focusing or meditating on what feels, appears and sounds real completely works, then absolutely it's about whatever works. In some cases, the imagination can definitely do more harm than good. Imagining life will never change for the better can become depressing. Imagining worse case highly stressful scenarios playing out can be anxiety inducing.

The school of life is a tough gig at times, to say the least. Learning what works and what doesn't work for us as we go along can feel painfully difficult at times and the learning process can feel like it's going at a snails pace, if moving along at all. I wish helpful revelations could come to you faster so that you don't have to suffer so much. Sometimes I think that perhaps the main reason we're here in this world (part of our overall purpose) is to learn about our self, who we naturally are, how we suffer, how we thrive and so on. An extension of that involves leading each other to learn as well. It's like someone could say to us 'What what I've learned about you and have observed about you is that you are a naturally compassionate person and a naturally supportive person'. We could think 'I've never considered this to be who I naturally am'. So, that person has taught us a little more about who we naturally are. They've woken us up a little more, leading us to be a little more conscious.

I think any mind altering challenge can lead us to question our sanity. The loss of someone who led life to feel so grounding and real for us in so many ways can definitely be a mind altering reality shifter. And I think it can be in the nature of a mind altering reality shifting challenge to bring the philosopher in us to life in some way, through the questions 'Why am I here? Why do I suffer so much? What is my purpose, my reason for being here? Why do I feel so deeply and (the big one) Who am I?'. Such questions can certainly feel more depressing than philosophical. Unless we meet with people who can answer some of those questions for us or at the very least lead us to make better sense of them, it can feel quite lonely trying to work it all out for our self. Wondering whether your loved one was a bit of a philosophical person, if they had a unique way of looking at things and leading others to look at them.

One of the most painful losses would have to involve losing the one person who could have helped us the most through such an overwhelming challenge.❤️

[ABC01]

Dear therising,

The one I lost would help me through what I am going through now,so it is hard.

 I wonder why I was born sometimes. It feels like a big joke. I am a good person. Why am I always crapped on? I certainly don’t want to be reborn or bring any lives into this world. Not if theirs is a repeat of mine. And I have felt like that for years now.

But I have also learned from a grief book and it stood out. “There is no justice or logic to loss. Sometimes awful things just happen to wonderful people.”

ABC01

[therising]

Hi ABC01

It is so true, such terrible and shocking things do happen to wonderful people. Sometimes, what is almost as terrible and shocking is how wonderful people are left alone to wonder and suffer. They can be left alone with so many questions, in the way of making sense of so much (the trauma or tragedy, their own feelings in relation, why life and/or people can be so cruel and so on). It can take years of wondering alone to even touch base on making greater sense of things, to the point where suffering may be slightly lessened (if at all), yet it can take nowhere near as long when we have people to fast track us to a greater sense of understanding. Under such circumstances, the suffering can be significantly or greatly lessened. Wonderful people who are prepared to openly wonder with us, through challenging or even taboo subjects, are the kind of people who make a difference. We should never be left to suffer and wonder alone. Life feels even crueler when we do.❤️