Recent weeks, horrible days and where to now?

[Neil_1]

Dear all, dear friends

This post could be placed on 3-4 other forum headings, but I've decided to lodge it here.  Mainly cause of the overwhelming sense of horrible depression that I've got on board with me at this time.

I'm numb, I'm empty, I'm gutted and everything is just moving along like a blur.

Dear friends, one week ago (Tuesday night), I lost my Mum - she fought a long long fight with cancer, but the mongrel disease took her in the end.  The reason you haven't had me on Beyond Blue for some time now is that I've been back in my home town with Mum and then the last week, well, you can imagine.

Yesterday was her funeral - and it was a lovely service.

A year ago Mum wrote her own eulogy and it was her wish that I read it out.  Which I did.   I also created my own eulogy of my personal memories of Mum and read that as well.  I stumbled on a few occasions, but I had my daugther up front with me, and she held my arm, to keep me going.  I did the same thing for my Dad (7 years ago) and it was something that I knew I had to do for Mum as well.  I must have done ok, because many people commented to me or my brother afterwards about the eulogies and how good they were.

I've been away from "home" now for coming up to 30 years - as I commented in part of my eulogy - and that during that time, I would have phoned the family phone number thousands and thousands of times.  But now, the house is empty and I won't be phoning that number ever again.

As I also said in my eulogy, I don't know how I'm going to go in the future - certainly not forward - it might just a case of sideways for a while.

So I now have both my parent's no longer here (as well as a very close brother) - my dad's and brother's deaths devastated me and now my Mum (I was a mummy's boy as well).

I'm going to miss her so much.

Neil

ps:  I may post occasionally in the coming days - but they may be few and far between at this stage.  I won't be going away, but I just have nothing inside to offer.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Maresy

It's not a stupid question at all.  I simply don't get dates.  On Friday, it was the 14th November.  Mum passed away on the 14th October;  which for all intents and purposes was 4 weeks "last" Tuesday.  So this coming Tuesday it'll be just 5 weeks that I haven't been able to ring her.

So that muddled paragraph probably gives you a little feel for how I am - muddled, confused and missing Mum.

I've slowly started getting back to Beyond Blue and to reach out to others.  I always feel useful when I can do this and support others.

I have been wasting a lot of energy - nervous, mental, anxious, stressed, tense;  all kind of rolled into one, due to a bad family issue that's happened since Mum's passing and unfortunately, that energy should have been aimed at fixing and helping me, but I've wasted it in other directions.  I'm trying, but it's hard you know.

And I did something on Friday that I hadn't done for six whole months.  It was a good thing.  And I even felt a little light headed and tired a bit after it.  Can you guess what it was?

I went to the gym.  🙂  🙂

Hands up those who have filthy minds?

But it was good.  I went at a time when I thought it'd be far less crowded;  as yes, I did want to commence back into my weights again, but I really didn't want to see friends/mates;  not just yet.

I went again yesterday and it was another good little sesh - just easing myself back into it.

But for the most part, I'm sad, I'm down and though it always hurt so incredibly much when I didn't have my Dad;   well now it sucks massively cause I don't have my Mum either.

As I said in my eulogy, no doubt the future is going to be hard and it won't be a matter of going forward - not just yet - if I can somehow go sideways for a while, then that'll have to do.

Love to all

Neil

[gmc]

Hello Neil,

Great you went to the gym. How are you feeling?

G

[Neil_1]

Hi Gabriela

I’m feeling, well, um, pretty low actually.

I am pleased I’m now back at the gym and I’m slowly increasing the intensity of my sessions – I like the fact that your body is good with muscle memory – so it doesn’t take too long to get back to a reasonable shape and size again.

Wow, look at that – I just wrote about something that I like.   Because of late, I haven’t been able to find too many things that I do like – or do like doing.   It’s such a struggle, but I am getting up each morning.

But there’s a lot of additional stress happening for me, with the aftermath of my Mum’s passing – and that is taking an enormous toll on my energy levels;  anxious, nervous, stress levels of energy are being used, but not in a good way.  I’m shakey, and nervey and the stomach feels like it’s twisted up in a tight knot.

I hope that things will settle down soon, but for the time being, it’s a huge concern.  Night-times are filled with bad dreams and no restful sleep either.

Whoops, look at me go – whinge, whinge, complain, complain.   And all you asked was, “How am I feeling?”   I should have just said, “Not too bad thanx”.  🙂

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Remember Neil,

You are not whingingor complaining. This is what we are here for -to listen. If youd said you were fine we would bugged you more. 

I appreciate your truthful answer.

GA

[gmc]

Hi Neil

You know gym is good, right? It's not going to take all of the stress, but it will slowly get you better. You know that.

Anyway, dreams are also a good way to let go our emotions. Did you think of another way to do it?

[White_Rose]

Dear Neil

First my apologies. For some unknown (to me) reason I have consistently missed your post.You have supported others so much, including me, and here I am ignoring you. Except that I am not ignoring really, just not responding as quickly as I ought.

Please accept my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your mother. Mothers are such special people and mean so much to us. My mother died 15 years ago and I miss her still. My hope is that I am there for my children as much as she was for me and my siblings. We all have our ways of grieving but such a deep loss is hard to bear. Moms are supposed to be there forever, as they were when we were little, and the knowledge that this is not so is almost unbearable.

I am so pleased you are begining to get back to life, though I imagine it's a hard road. You are so right about taking things one step at a time. We all know we will 'get there' eventually but the road is strewn with so many boulders we must climb over or walk round that it is hardly surprising our resolution weakens at times.

Not sure of your religious beliefs but I am of mine, so may God guide and keep you in this time of pain and struggle.

With love from Mary

[geoff]

dear Neil, my friend, no you shouldn't have said '“Not too bad thanx”, because this only blocks any chance of being able to talk about your fears, and what has been such another devastating period in your life.

We are all behind you. Geoff.

[Mares73]

My precious friend Neil, you are never far from my thoughts-well actually I think of you everyday & wonder how your coping at such a painful time. I'm glad you were able to go to gym but please take it easy as you usually have the gym to help you to release those stresses & anxiety-so I imagine your body wants to release some pent up pain -but my friend just be conscious of pushing yourself. You are in a state of grief-a very painful place to be where feelings can range from numb, to anxious & depressed or to being  immobilized & losing interest, motivation & concentration. It's a roller coaster of a time & where do you feel you are currently on the spectrum I've described? There is no toolkit for dealing with grief, especially when it's your mum -your last living parent gone.I hope you've been able to have a break from work?Right now you just need to focus on yourself & coping with the roller coaster of emotions. I can relate in the sense that when my dad committed suicide-i felt as though time had stopped. I was numb & yet had periods of depression, crying, times where I was lost in my grief & unreachable to others. Time & the world had stopped.I couldn't face people, I couldn't leave the house, I felt stuck in a time warp. It took its own time. Anyway that's me. I'm sure you've got your own spectrum of emotions & that they can change so suddenly. Ive wanted to say the following for ages but didnt know how. So now -however it sounds im going to say it.Neil you are an incredible person, I don't thing many (if any) members here would disagree with the statement that you are a big part of the "backbone", foundation & crucial key person in the Beyond Blue community. Your unconditional support & compassion towards others is incredible. No matter what your personally going through-you always find the capacity to give. I don't think there's anyone like you-you are truly inspiring & are the perfect person to demonstrate & promote the core foundational supports of Beyond Blue, particularly through your generosity of spirit towards all on the forums. Beyond Blue forums truly wouldn't be the incredible resource & support system they are without you. I honestly believe that. You reach out to as many people as humanly possible & you provide such comfort, practical advice, compassion & genuine care to all those you reach out to. To me your inspirational & I can only hope to be half the person you are. My love & care is genuine-you mean so very much to me Lve Maresy

[Jo3]

Hi Neil

I have been thinking of you and your family.  I'm sorry I am not much for words at the moment but just wanted to say that I am thinking of you.

Jo xxx

[Neil_1]

Dear all;

Wow, yet again, I’m blown away with the so many kind words and thoughts that you’ve provided me.  It makes me half believe that I am an ok person.  I know I know, I shouldn’t think that, but that’s part of my make-up.

At this current time, it is just the gym that I’m using to help with releasing emotion and pent-up stressors.   Although am doing a little walking as well.  Also doing a little drinking as well, but that’s a story for another time.

I don’t know what it is when a tragedy strikes (eg:   the tragic death of Phil Hughes), but maybe it’s just me;  maybe others are affected this way as well.  But when something like this happens, it tears me up inside.  I can probably relate as I lost my brother when he was 29yo.

To Mares, thank you so much for your amazing kind and special words to me.  I’ve printed that out – so when I get down, I can go to that and read what you wrote.  Thank you.

It’s just slowly slowly ahead;   although of late with certain recent developments it’s a tough road and very stressful and exhaustive.  

My mum’s dog, little Tess is just so adorable.  I tried to leave to go to work this morning and she followed me up the stands and then sort of galloped around in a circle, very excited and I think very not wanting me to leave.  She is loving her new environment and boy, she’s fitted into our home perfectly.

Neil