Recent weeks, horrible days and where to now?

[Neil_1]

Dear all, dear friends

This post could be placed on 3-4 other forum headings, but I've decided to lodge it here.  Mainly cause of the overwhelming sense of horrible depression that I've got on board with me at this time.

I'm numb, I'm empty, I'm gutted and everything is just moving along like a blur.

Dear friends, one week ago (Tuesday night), I lost my Mum - she fought a long long fight with cancer, but the mongrel disease took her in the end.  The reason you haven't had me on Beyond Blue for some time now is that I've been back in my home town with Mum and then the last week, well, you can imagine.

Yesterday was her funeral - and it was a lovely service.

A year ago Mum wrote her own eulogy and it was her wish that I read it out.  Which I did.   I also created my own eulogy of my personal memories of Mum and read that as well.  I stumbled on a few occasions, but I had my daugther up front with me, and she held my arm, to keep me going.  I did the same thing for my Dad (7 years ago) and it was something that I knew I had to do for Mum as well.  I must have done ok, because many people commented to me or my brother afterwards about the eulogies and how good they were.

I've been away from "home" now for coming up to 30 years - as I commented in part of my eulogy - and that during that time, I would have phoned the family phone number thousands and thousands of times.  But now, the house is empty and I won't be phoning that number ever again.

As I also said in my eulogy, I don't know how I'm going to go in the future - certainly not forward - it might just a case of sideways for a while.

So I now have both my parent's no longer here (as well as a very close brother) - my dad's and brother's deaths devastated me and now my Mum (I was a mummy's boy as well).

I'm going to miss her so much.

Neil

ps:  I may post occasionally in the coming days - but they may be few and far between at this stage.  I won't be going away, but I just have nothing inside to offer.

[NicoleP]

Hi Neil

Just wanted you to know that I have been thinking about you. Hope you are OK

Kezza xxx

[Neil_1]

Dear friends

Thank you all so much for the wonderful messages of support that you've given.  I've read through them all a number of times.  Each of them mean so much to me;  from the regulars who post to the people who only lurk in the background, but are regular readers - at this time for me, each message is something very special to me.

You know, in death, you'd like to think that things would smooth a bit and bring people closer.  Unfortunately that isn't always true.  This is the case for me and what was supposed to be a cordial get together on Sunday between current family members turned really ugly.

I won't go into details, but at least I have one good bro and his family and my own;  but the events that transpired has pummeled me very badly.

So I'm existing at the moment physically but my mental state is fragile like you wouldn't believe.

Often makes you wonder what the fight, the battle with depression is really worth it!

Neil

[Jo3]

Dear Neil my friend

I'm sorry to read that you have had recent trouble in your family. It's so nice to see that your brother is close to you and your family, that is one positive.

Neil, I know what you mean when you say that family should be closer or rally together when something like a death in the family happens. 

I worry for you because you are in a fragile mental state. I know you will have the support from your partner and 2 children who dearly love you so much.

And can I just say a big thank you to you for replying back to me today on another post. I cannot thank you enough because I know you are struggling and to see your name on my thread - wow thank you so much Neil, you are a truly caring and amazing guy.

Pls take care, and know that I am thinking of you and your family.

Jo xxx

[white knight]

Dear Neil,

"Often makes you wonder what the fight, the battle with depression is really worth it!"

Of course you and I know- the battle is worth it. At this time you are so low that you think otherwise- full of doubt.

You will recover and you will triumph over people that do not show respect.

Give yourself time. Everything will turn out ok. 

[gmc]

Dearest Neil,

you know it's worth it, you told us all a number of times until we really got it. You were there for us when we needed and now it's time that we tell you this: IT'S WORTH IT.

The death of someone very close it tragic, but you'll get better.

I'm not good in words, I'm so sorry, but I want you to know I am thnking of you and I wish I'd send you some of the good vibe I feel these days. I am better, Neil, and I feel I own you one, so feel good for me.

Giving you a lot of hugs and wish I'd give you this hug someday.

Gabriela

[Mares73]

My dear friend Neil-i just wanted to remind you that you are in my thoughts each day & I wish so very much I could take some of your pain away.  But alas I'm just at the other end of the computer screen & if I could I'd do anything to support you. I hope you are holding on knowing grief takes its own farm & time. You are in my heart & thoughts everyday. Love  Maresy xxx

[Neil_1]

To everyone who has posted to me and even others who haven't, but just read;

Thank you so much - your words, your support, your thoughts mean so much to me.

And Maresy, you say 'alas i'm just at the other end of the computer screen ...';   but Maresy, yes, we're all like that - but that means so much more than just being on the end of a computer screen.  Because the fingers that are typing belong to very special people and caring people - who like most of us are doing it extremely tough in your own rights;   but there you are, reaching out - like everyone who has posted to me.

It's a tough time - but I've gotta dig in deep and be strong.  I know Mum would be wanting this from me.  I know all of you want this from me;  I know my wonderful bro and his family want that from me;   as do my own beautiful family.

So this is what I must do.  Take it day by day - even hour by hour - there's been recent events that have affected me badly;  and my massive job now is to try everything I can to put those things in the background.  Harder to do than to say (or even type).

So today is Friday.  It's bright and sunny and over the last couple of weeks, I've been spending a lot of time out in our backyard, and Mum's little dog, Tessie seems to be enjoying her new home, which is great news.

And for everyone who has reached out with support and your special hugs - I've accepted every one of them with tears flowing down my cheeks - tears of sadness and happiness, knowing I've got some amazing and wonderful friends here.  All your support - oh damn, the tears are coming again - all your support is just so special and dear to me.

THANK YOU.

Neil

[Jo3]

You are very welcome

Jo xxxxooo

[gmc]

You're very welcome, Neil. Please come back soon.

[Mares73]

My dear friend Neil , it's Saturday afternoon & yo u r never far from my thoughts. How are you sounds like a stupid question but I'm trying to find the right words to ask how your coping & what are you findin th most supportive during this painful tine? I know nothing can replace losing your Mum but are you finding some solace in anything given you've been through so much lately? I think of you every day Neil &  wish I could just sit with you & make you nice drinks. Anyway I just wanted to check in & remind you how special you are. With much love xx maresy