Recent weeks, horrible days and where to now?

Neil_1 · ‎21-10-2014

Dear all, dear friends

This post could be placed on 3-4 other forum headings, but I've decided to lodge it here. Mainly cause of the overwhelming sense of horrible depression that I've got on board with me at this time.

I'm numb, I'm empty, I'm gutted and everything is just moving along like a blur.

Dear friends, one week ago (Tuesday night), I lost my Mum - she fought a long long fight with cancer, but the mongrel disease took her in the end. The reason you haven't had me on Beyond Blue for some time now is that I've been back in my home town with Mum and then the last week, well, you can imagine.

Yesterday was her funeral - and it was a lovely service.

A year ago Mum wrote her own eulogy and it was her wish that I read it out. Which I did. I also created my own eulogy of my personal memories of Mum and read that as well. I stumbled on a few occasions, but I had my daugther up front with me, and she held my arm, to keep me going. I did the same thing for my Dad (7 years ago) and it was something that I knew I had to do for Mum as well. I must have done ok, because many people commented to me or my brother afterwards about the eulogies and how good they were.

I've been away from "home" now for coming up to 30 years - as I commented in part of my eulogy - and that during that time, I would have phoned the family phone number thousands and thousands of times. But now, the house is empty and I won't be phoning that number ever again.

As I also said in my eulogy, I don't know how I'm going to go in the future - certainly not forward - it might just a case of sideways for a while.

So I now have both my parent's no longer here (as well as a very close brother) - my dad's and brother's deaths devastated me and now my Mum (I was a mummy's boy as well).

I'm going to miss her so much.

Neil

ps: I may post occasionally in the coming days - but they may be few and far between at this stage. I won't be going away, but I just have nothing inside to offer.

Mares73 · ‎14-12-2014

My dear Neil I miss you & am sorry I haven't written earlier but I've had to deal with police & lawyers etc re the abuse & I've been very anxious & just trying to get through each day. How are you coping? I appreciate it's a very sad & difficult time after your mums passing. How are you coping in terms of depression & anxiety along with your deep grief? Are you working? Have you got good support? Are you able to look forward to the Xmas break or is everything feeling overwhelming? Sorry I'll stop asking questions. Just concerned for you & your in my thoughts. I just read in the "Community board" that one of our longterm close members has decided to leave the forums. I knew you as well as me & others would be sad but wish them hope & recovery on their journey. It's always hard to say goodbye to our members given the wonderful network of friendships & support that BB forums facilitate. Anyway I'm thinking of you & how you are coping given the difficulties of recent events. You are such a wonderful support to so many & I'm sure others also think of you & hope you are coping and/or managing to function. I guess that's a roundabout way of saying I hope the "black dog" hasn't got a hold of you. Begged to hear from you when your a able. Lve Maresy x

bringeroflight · ‎14-12-2014

Hi Neil!

I too lost my mum and not at all trying to belittle your worries but just like yourself unfortunately she was in England and me in Oz at 12 yrs old and couldn't go to her funeral.

This obviously would affect a young 12 year old and was not a very happy time.

When you say you can't find enjoyment in many things this is a classic sign of depression as I suffered from the same thing for many years!

Please perhaps consider getting some medications such as ssri's as this may help?

I recently went on some in combination with a mood stabilizer and although it took awhile I do feel a lot better now.

All the best for the future and although not easy I know, we all must move onwards and upwards!

The cameraderie on this site is just great and is definitely a lift for the soul.

Kind Regards Greg

Neil_1 · ‎15-12-2014

Hi there Greg;

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. Losing a parent at any time is horribly sad and difficult to deal with – but I cannot imagine how it must have been for you, just as a 12yo AND on top of that, to not even be near her either. I’m very sorry to hear that – although I’m gathering that was a few years ago now for you – the rawness of it all heals, but leaves a dreadful painful scar.

It’s an interesting thing – I’m already on 3 different types of medications and I get them reviewed on a yearly basis and one of them, I’m on almost the maximum dosage; so I think they’re doing their different jobs. In fact, I couldn’t imagine the mess I’d be if I didn’t have them. But as we know, it’s not just the meds that we need – they’re just part of a number of different mechanisms that we need to have in place; and for the most part, I have my other supports happening as well. And I know that it’s in the final lead-up to Christmas, but I’m going off the beer for the next 10 days; I really do need a dry out period; especially after all that’s happened recently.

Greg, it was awesome to hear from you – and it’s always fantastic to come across a new poster and yes yes yes, I agree with you 100% about the camaraderie on this site – absolutely first class. Thanx again.

Dear Maresy

No need to apologise ever Mares – I know you’ve got big battles and issues that you’re having to deal with; so I’m so touched that you are able to still reach out to me, during what must be so very hard a time for you. I’m taking things bit by bit – yes, I’m working and I am very lucky to have a great workplace and very supportive people – things can change, cause this time last year, I was in a workplace from hell, so I’m very glad not to be there now. I’m also back at the gym now on my usual regular basis of 5 days per week – and my sessions are going great, with some good increasing of weights being lifted and it’s always an awesome way to release pressure and stress.

Don’t overly enjoy Christmas too much, but so far it’s been ok – am staying away from work parties and really just have one family (my partner’s family) get together, I think on Christmas eve; so that shouldn’t be too bad.

Our friend obviously had her reasons and needed to get away; so yes, I just hope she’s doing ok and continues to maintain all of her support networks. It came up very quickly and she was gone.

Kind regards

Neil

Helen58 · ‎23-12-2014

Hi Neil. I am so sorry to hear of your mother's passing. As you so kindly offered me support (with me being a new member) I wanted to say something to let you know that your kindness was very much appreciated and you need never worry that you are alone in how you are feeling about losing your mother. As you knew, I too lost my mother several years ago and the family squabbles afterwards were just ridiculous. Several times I felt like throttling some of my siblings for their attitude to Mum's passing but sadly, now several years later, I only have one of them left. Cancer took Mum and several siblings and then a grand niece died in a car accident at the age of 15 a couple of years ago. I'm doing much better at the moment but I'm just waiting for (what I think will be) the next roller coaster turn and it'll all spin out of control again. It's wonderful to be able to post on here and see all the wonderful support and though I'm not exactly fully functional like I used to be, I just wanted to wish you and every other kind soul on this website a happy and stress free Christmas. Losing loved ones is never easy and I'm sure your mother knew how much you loved her anyway. Your tears just prove you're human and that you have feelings and people like you all the more for being able to show that. Please, take care of yourself not only physically (great to hear about getting into the gym again for you) but emotionally as well. Take time out to grieve and remember your mother as she was. It's a bit harder than it seems but eventually you will remember her good times and good health and you will begin to heal. It's taken me a few years but trust me, your tears are understandable. I would go home from work everyday (after Mum died as I'd been with her at the end) and would cry for ages. This lasted a good couple of weeks but eventually the tears stopped which they are wont to do and I began to heal. My best wishes are with you and remember you are a valuable and valued person.

Neil_1 · ‎23-12-2014

Dear Helen

Thank you so much for your wonderfully kind message. I’m a bit emotional at the moment and it bought tears to me – as I type this. But I guess that’s good in a way, cause it just shows the high regard I held for my Mum, the love I had for her and I’m missing her so much.

I was only saying to my partner last night, that as each day gets closer to Christmas, I’m missing Mum more and more. And we all know we can’t do anything about it, it’s just something that we all have to go through and deal with.

I’m very lucky, as I have a really supportive partner and two of the most wonderful kids – who really understand and are so thoughtful and caring, so on Christmas Day I’ll have them there with me to help me through. Our Christmas Day will just be the 4 of us, which we’re all very happy to be that way – just us to share it all together.

Thank you again and I wish you and everyone else who’s reading, the most wonderfully happy Christmas that you can possibly have.

Neil

Ps: Helen, it just makes me shake my head with the aftermath of a death, where some siblings go off the deep end. Such a weak weak disposition – to say and do all they have, but to only have the guts to do it ‘after’ the death of both parents. They might be blood relatives, but they are not family.

White_Rose · ‎25-12-2014

Dear Neil

It's Christmas Day and the anniversary of my mother's death. Feeling a bit miserable even though I have had three of my grandchildren staying with me for several days. Or perhaps I'm just tired(?).

I imagine you are feeling down and wishing your mom was with you, but I hope it will not spoil your family day too much. I am going to my daughter's home in a little while. Heaps of my children and grandchildren, being spoiled with food and drink and enjoying the children having a good time.

I do hope you get through this time without huge distress.

Love Mary

white knight · ‎25-12-2014

Hi Neil,

I hope your xmas day has gone ok.

Tony WK

geoff · ‎26-12-2014

dear Neil, my good friend, I had thought hard about sending you a good well wish for Xmas as I know it would have been very difficult for you this year, but decided not to, however now it's been raised it would have been undoubtedly very lost without your Mum, so I can only offer you my sincere condolences.

I do hope that the time with your partner and two kids was a very happy time together.

You know my thoughts are with you. Geoff.

Doolhof · ‎26-12-2014

Dear Neil,

I do so hope your Christmas Day was one filled with love, hugs, care, wonderful family memories and the tears flowed in a healing manner. I usually keep my tears on the inside so I hope you were able to share yours!

Loosing a loved one is difficult at any time of year, special events and occasions make the loss seem even greater.

I'm hoping from today and onwards you can cherish your parent's memories, share your love with your family and friends who reciprocate the same to you, and you can find joy in a new day.

I've just been looking on Facebook at all the wonderful family Christmas photos friends and family have posted. The images cheer my heart and shatter it at the same time. I love that friends share these pictures with me.

Christmas especially is a time when I dearly miss not having our children with us. I have been blessed though with a pre Christmas dinner with my sister and her family including my beautiful, precious nieces and a couple of their friends.

Christmas Day we had friends come to join us and we enjoyed the company of their 16 year old son. It was a good day!

Thinking of you, your "lovely" family members and wishing you hope and peace.

Sincere greetings of comfort, from Mrs. Dools