rock bottom

[deepdarkwoods]

Hi All,

I'm hoping to get some support and advice here as I don't know how much more I can take, of myself or my circumstances. I have suffered with depression for many years but the last couple of years I have hit rock bottom again and again. I have read a few posts on here but really haven't found much I can connect with or relate to as I feel like I haven't had anything to be happy about for some time now.

Three years ago I ended up in a psych ward with a really bad depressive episode after breaking up with my partner of 11 years who I have 2 lovely children to. I was prescribed antidepressants and started to claw my way out of the hole. Spent some time in crisis accommodation and slowly got myself back into work and started making a life and things were looking up. 6 months later I started the slide downwards again and haven't been able to pick myself up. I lost my job but managed to be positive enough to find another within 3 days. around the same time I met a girl who I really hit it off with and ended up relocating a few hours away to be with her even though I let my depression get to me again and lost my job again.

since then everything has gone from bad to worse. Long story short but it turns out my new girlfriend seems to have BPD and as soon as I moved in with her she started abusing me. She gets into rages telling me I am faking depression, using her, A burden on her, that im a terrible father, cheater - everything under the sun. She has kicked me out of the house many times, leaving me to fend for myself on the streets for days at a time before saying sorry and asking me back. I feel stupid but so many times I came back hoping things will get better.

A few months ago things I had gotten so stressed and depressed and anxious that I ended up getting admitted to hospital again and trying to get help. they started me on new antidepressants which I don't really think are working and stupidly I came back to my girlfriend afterwards. I have gotten so bad I just loathe myself for my weakness for coming back here, it just adds to the self-hate I have. I don't have anything at all other than my clothes and a few small items. I haven't answered calls from any of my very few friends and have just shut everyone out. Christmas is coming and I have no money, no job, a relationship that is toxic and just feel like I am all alone and helpless.

I really don't know where to turn to any more.

[HelenM]

Hi deepdarkwoods,

Things are really bad for you. I live in Scotland and so don't know the housing situation over there.

It seems to me though that as long as you're in this relationship you can't move forward. Obviously though you can't just live on the streets. I think as long as you're with this woman she'll pull you down. Being with her does not make you weak. You are in a situation where you have nowhere else to go.

Maybe someone on here or at some help centre could advise you on what to do accommodation wise. I think that once you get away from this relationship you could at least plan how to move forward.

Take care, Helen x

[Neil_1]

 Hi ddw (sorry, just shortened your user name;  hope that’s ok)

 Welcome to Beyond Blue and great that you made the positive step to come here and post;   and was great also to read Helen’s response back to you.   And yes, things aren’t overly good for you at the moment;  nor have they been good for some time.

You mentioned the time where you had crisis accommodation – is that a possible option for you at this time?   As I’m with Helen on this;  that being where you are is definitely not good for you.  I’m vaguely aware that there are a number of different agencies/organisations out there that do help out with accommodation issues for these kinds of situations, as I guess that’s what that particular crisis place was that you went too.  Just an option or a suggestion I guess – but if they’re not available, maybe they might know of another place – just somewhere to tide you over for a while.

I also read that you haven’t answered any of your friends calls – ok and I totally understand that;  when we’re in a bad place, we just want to hide away;  but this might be a time where you need to dig really deep and see if you might be able to contact one of your friends.  This might be very difficult for you to do, but if you’re able to do this, it could be a beneficial thing.  It wouldn’t be like charity or a hand-out or anything like that;  it hopefully might be the case of a friend coming to the fore of another friend and to provide them with support, especially at this time of year and when you’re in such dire need of support.

DDW, just a couple of thoughts there – I’m not sure if either are suitable for you, but thought I’d put them out there and hope that, even if this doesn’t help, it might spark something else for you to try.

Please stay here though and write more – we would really like to hear more from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Deepdarkwoods, which I might abbreviate to DDW, and I'd like to welcome you to the this site.

What a terrible situation you are in, as there probably won't be anyother post that yours compares to, but those who have a greater memory than I do could suggest one.

It's certainly been an arduous struggle with very little support, relaying on antidepressants which had little affect, going from job to job then back to hospital which I'm not sure whether anything was achieved but keep you safe, then released back out into society to fend for yourself, well I don't believe that any of this will help, and we are not sure about any follow-up.

I totally agree with Helen as this relationship maybe a roof over your head but it's certainly doing a lot of damage to you, and if she does have BPD then she needs to be seeing her doctor and on medication to control her moods.

You can seek help from the usual charities, Salvo's, St. Vinnies, Anglicare and there are others places to contact but this depends in which State you live in.

The soup kitchen will provide meals for you and they may ideas of where there is somewhere to stay, or that maybe difficult.

It's not a weakness by going back to your girlfriends place, it's a roof and a bed to sleep in, but then an argument begins, and I'm sure whether your girlfriend drinks alcohol, as this hasn't been mentioned.

If you let us know what state you live in that would be great. Geoff.

[deepdarkwoods]

just thought i'd post a quick update.

I was admitted to a psych ward again (4th time in 3 months now). The docs have changed my medication again and started me on another AD. I'm beginning to think there is more to my state of mind than just depression.

[geoff]

dear DDW, I tend to agree with you, but remember depression is still hovering over you, but perhaps your state of mind has created all of this. Geoff.